A Contractor Joke

[moosenoose]

I thought this one was priceless!! I think I may have done this sort of thing once before :wink:


A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!"
The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

 

[Bryony]

LMFAO!!!!!!
nice one moosey

 

[westhamsc]

rotflmfao

love it moosy

 

[angelrose]

hahahaha yeah i love it...

Heres another.

Three young boys were sitting around in the play ground at school, swapping sandwiches and inane stories, one pipes up and says, my dad is one of the fastest humans in the world, he i a formula one racing car driver and has been clocked doing more than 300 kms per hour!. The second lad steps up the the plate with a rather large grin, and sayd to the other two boys, im sorry lads, but my father way outstrips you there, my father is a fighter jet pilot for the airforce. He has been clock doing MACH 5 and shooting his guns at the same time.....The first boy gasps in amazement commenting on how he wished to meet this revered man, while the third boy scoffed, that's not even close to fast lads. My dad works for the council and is unequivicoly, the fastest man in the universe! My dad knocks off work at 5pm everyday, stops at the pub for an hour and reaches home before 3pm!.

Angel

 

[Mr.K]

hehe, good ones. I may as well join the bandwagon and add one too!!!

A little skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this BIG African American guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:

"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small man faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.

The big fellow says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?.....THANK GOD!!!

I thought you said 'Turn Around." :lol: :lol:

 

[craig.a.c]

LMAO..... Love 'em. Yours was a ripper Mr.K