# My Partner wants me to "get rid" of my snake!



## pixie (May 12, 2016)

So I've been living with this guy for a year, we are engaged and about to start ivf. 
Recently he's asked (well no, he's TOLD me) to rehome my 10y/o coastal carpet python. 

He then got the grumps that I compared it to making him choose between me and the kid he's already got! 

Totally don't know what to do. 

To put it into perspective he also hates my cats and thinks pets are a stupid and expensive hobby... This has all sort of happened because I work in healthcare and live outside the 20min radius so I sleep at work 5 nights a week (I do the late shift then I am on call until the lab opens in the morning).. So he's had to start looking after my pets because I'm only home 4 hours a day and I sleep for most of those. 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Stompsy (May 12, 2016)

*My Partner wants me to &quot;get rid&quot; of my snake!*

I'm probably jumping straight in the deep end with what I'm about to type, but here goes anyway. 

Get rid of him. Your pets are an extension of who you are and he is essentially trying to change you. That's not a good start to a marriage. 

Or you could just feed and clean up after your animals in that 4 hours you spend at home to shut him up. They are your responsibility after all. 


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## BredliFreak (May 12, 2016)

*Joke incoming*

Give him the finger and say "it's you or the Coastal, and the Coastal doesn't winge, complain and isn't half as expensive as you"

In all seriousness, I have no experience with engagement but if he doesn't want to compromise then either ditch him or stop him from his hobbies. If you can't have yours, why should he have his?

Good luck with it, I know what I would choose but it's completely up to you. It's your life at the end of the day.


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## pixie (May 12, 2016)

The extremely overtired version of me wants to leave. Find a man who earns decent money so I don't have to spend 80 hours a week at work to fund ivf. I'm exhausted. I have lupus. Everything sucks. 

Sorry for the rant


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## Stompsy (May 12, 2016)

*My Partner wants me to &quot;get rid&quot; of my snake!*

Sounds like this is a lot more complex than just you being upset about your partner telling you to get rid of your beloved pet. And it's probably not really the type of thing to be asking for advice about on a reptile forum. 

However, I believe you should always go with your gut instincts. Act on them. No one knows you better than you know yourself. 

Good luck and try not to let everything overwhelm you. 


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## Toska (May 12, 2016)

My fiance and I went through a rough patch like that.
A couple of years ago my filly nearly died and her vet bills cleaned me out so I asked if he could cover our next load of hay and wormers. He threw a fit over it because that meant he would have to wait another week to buy a part for his car.
I was angry and exhausted from my girl being sick and getting no sleep while looking after her so yelled and said some stuff I shouldn't about his car collection being expensive and stupid which he thought about my horses. It took a while for us to both calm down and actually talk it out.

Everyone has that one thing or hobby to help them cope with life. If you are anything like me then spending time with your pets is one of the ways you chill out after a rough day/week or whatever. Your fiance of all people should understand that and I'm sure he has his own similar sort of thing

I definitely would not be willing to 'get rid' of any of my pets, which admittedly I have a lot of. 
However I can understand your partner being upset that he has to look after your cats but being in a relationship means doing things for each other.


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## onelife (May 12, 2016)

If you try to take the emotions out of it and think what is best for the animal if your spending that little time at home there may be someone that will enjoy looking after the snake more than your partner - not that a snake of that age would need much effort  Sadly our life styles do change but I would always consider what was best for the animal as sad as it would be to have to part with him it would be worse off being neglected. 
That's just a different prospective


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## pixie (May 12, 2016)

To him pets are a hobby. To me they're my non human family and if he loves me he loves them.. I can't get my head around why he's got his knickers in a knot over this. 

Like it's kitty litter and the occasional snake Poop. 
It's not like I've got a zoo!


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## kingofnobbys (May 12, 2016)

Maybe since he is unwilling to care for your pets , since you are hardly ever home to do it yourself , he might be signaling to you he wants you home more . Sure the partner has to have known you have these pets and they are part of the package when it comes to having a relationship with you. 

Lasting relationships involve a lot compromise and sacrifice (both ways).

We only have your side of the story so it's not appropriate to say anything more.

You and your partner need to really talk this out and come to a mutually beneficial agreement or look at making some changes which might well involve rehoming your pets.


What's the big deal with a 20min commute radius ? why do you HAVE TO sleep at work most nights ?

If you had no partner who would be looking after the pets for you ?


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## pixie (May 12, 2016)

I have to sleep at work because I am on call and whilst I am on call I must be within 20 minutes of the hospital.

If I had no partner I'd have stayed in Melbourne and would not be working the hours I do!


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## HiramAbiff (May 12, 2016)

To be honest you seem childish, comparing a snake to his child is ridiculous. Not to mention the "guy with money" comment, perhaps you should leave him so he can dodge the bullet of being married to you. 

Seems harsh but your post seems like on side of a story that you want to be assured that you are right.


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## pixie (May 12, 2016)

I am probably being childish. I am hurt. I feel like I am doing my absolute best to make sure we both have our dreams (ivf and building a house on our block of land) and to do that it means doing the crappy hours at work so we can afford both. 

And then he's angry I'm not home...

I'd love to be home. But then one of us will miss out on something important to us. 

So I'm never home. I'm always tired and when I am home he's got the grumps with me.


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## BredliFreak (May 12, 2016)

Maybe wait until you're pregnant with the whole IVF thing and have a maternity leave to sort things out? just a thought


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## pinefamily (May 12, 2016)

I'm not wanting to sound rude, but perhaps you both are trying for too much at once (ivf and building a house). Perhaps the stresses involved have brought these issues out in the open, or perhaps they are things that would normally be fine. 
What you need to do is to sit down and have a calm conversation with your partner about these issues that have arisen. Does he really feel this strongly about an almost care-free snake, and a cat? Or are the long hours of work, and the stresses of building a home plus ivf getting to him? You have acknowledged as much yourself; perhaps he is the same. Only a long quiet conversation will find this out.


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## Herpo (May 12, 2016)

My two cents:

If your partner can't accept you for who you are, don't bother with him. It's a matter of perspective; he sees your animals as a hobby, but to you they are family. Ask yourself, and him, would you get rid of family? I am obviously too young to have experience with marriage, but it's a big thing. Don't dive in if you're not 100% happy!

Good luck,
Herpo


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## PythonLegs (May 12, 2016)

If he cant look after a snake and a couple of cats, a baby may not be the best idea.


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## Planky (May 12, 2016)

Youve got it easy I have 100+ snakes spred Into 2 rooms imagine what my wife thinks


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## vampstorso (May 12, 2016)

Don't get rid of them. 
My husband pushed me to rehome some of my animals. 
I had a newborn, was recovering from surgery, and was generally depressed and caved.... Well.... Long story short good thing he smartened up and bought them back as to say I was resentful was an understatement. 
Don't ever do it. Not ever. You will be so bitter.


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## Chris1 (May 13, 2016)

If he's trying to control you at this point in your relationship it's only going to get worse. Fair enough he's 'looking after' your snake, but how much looking after is really involved? A few feed a year which I'm sure u do, and changing water once or twice a week. Sounds like an excuse to control you. I'd be holding off making this guy a permanent fixture,....


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## kingofnobbys (May 13, 2016)

pixie said:


> I have to sleep at work because I am on call and whilst I am on call I must be within 20 minutes of the hospital.
> 
> If I had no partner I'd have stayed in Melbourne and would not be working the hours I do!



Unless that's written into your contract, it's YOUR choice. 

I had many years when I was on 24 hour call, and I lived 30 - 40 minutes drive from my work, this was not an issue , I was simply paid from the moment I picked the phone up for the call-ins even if it took me an hour to wake up , get dressed and travel to work , and my boss simply had to ware it.

- - - Updated - - -



pixie said:


> I am probably being childish. I am hurt. I feel like I am doing my absolute best to make sure we both have our dreams (ivf and building a house on our block of land) and to do that it means doing the crappy hours at work so we can afford both.
> 
> And then he's angry I'm not home...
> 
> ...



Maybe both you need to do some serious growing up in the maturity stakes. Learn to compromise , and maybe knock back some the O/T and call-ins IF your relationship is important to you , so what if you don't build that huge dream home on your own block of land as soon OR EVER.


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## Herpo (May 13, 2016)

The issue here is that the relationship is already very progressed. They must love eachother to be this far ahead, so it's not really an option to "drop" him. [MENTION=41275]kingofnobbys[/MENTION] may have been a bit harsh, but compromising is the key. Make it clear your a package with your animals and that they mean a lot to you, but that he does to and your willing to compromise in other ways.


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## pinefamily (May 14, 2016)

I agree with what Herpo said, plus he is obviously a package deal himself, with a child of his own. A snkae and a cat or two is not a hobby, but as you said Pixie, part of you. A reptile collection is a hobby (or is that obsession? lol).


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## Bluetongue1 (May 14, 2016)

People keep pets for a range of reasons. For some they are a substitute for human contact, for others a way to act out their motherly instincts and for a few, just a status symbol. For many, however, there is a natural affiliation with other forms of living things, whether its cats, dogs, birds, reptiles, fish or whatever. These are the type of people who are virtually never without some form of pet throughout their lives. This affliation is not about having a substitute or pleasing anyone else... it is about the bond between the person and their animals. This type of pet keeper does not quite feel ‘whole’ if deprived of their pets. My twin sister is one such person and it would seem 'vampstorso' is likely in the same category. Only you know if you are too.

There has been some excellent advice given. I’ll simply try to add to it. 

Clearly, your present situation is incredibly stressful on both of you. High stress levels do affect one’s ability to think, feel and react normally. Communication is often an early casualty in such situations. Somehow, you guys need to get back to the basics of communicating... working together in a cool, calm and collected frame of mind in order to be able to realistically attempt to resolve your issues. The ability to do so is essential in maintaining a relationship. Once genuine communication is lost, you cannot expect any relationship to flourish. And only genuine communication will reveal the true nature of your relationship and provide the guidance you seek.


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## Snapped (May 15, 2016)

Well, I think he's being unreasonable, and I'd never get rid of my snakes/other animals for any guy, well, anyone for that matter.

Tell him to get a part time job so you don't have to work 80 hours a week to fund the IVF and you can be home and care for them yourself. He sounds quite selfish, I don't think that will change much when you have kids either.


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## notechistiger (May 16, 2016)

I mean... is he not doing anything while you're working 80 hours a week?

If he's working just as hard as you are (not necessarily the same hours), he may be resentful that he has to do all this work also and then look after these pets which he clearly doesn't like all that much.

Alternatively, if he's sitting around playing video games all day and can't be bothered to see if a snake is still alive once a day and feed some cats, I'd be inclined to find a new man. There's clearly a lack of effort in this scenario which I'd be hesitant bringing a baby into!

Obviously two very different sides of the spectrum, but I think there's a lot of one side of the story coming through and not the other.

Of course all relationships are different, but I can't imagine my fiance and I not having enough respect for one another to appreciate the other has a hobby. I like having tons of animals, he likes having expensive vehicles. We might not always agree where expenses should go, but that's the extent of our disagreements in this regard.


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## pixie (May 16, 2016)

He doesn't work the same hours, but he does work. 
His job doesn't give him the same 
Opportunities for overtime etc. And when we were looking at places to live he didn't want to move to a town where I could be close enough to be on call from home... 

It is hard. He has depression and doesn't really see us as an "us" sometime 

I had a talk to him because he said to me that ivf was my hobby and I was only working as hard as I was to pay for things that were for me.


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## Chris1 (May 16, 2016)

Lol, IVF sounds like such a fun hobby!

Wow, how selfish,...he made you move out of the zone and is being difficult about helping out?,....run like the wind,...find him help for his depression and get out of there!!! 


In reality,...if it's all just for you,...you can work ur butt off and find donor sperm all on you own these days. Then you'll only have 1 kid to look after not 2!


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## pinefamily (May 16, 2016)

Depression is depression, and most people have experienced it at some point in their lives, whether themselves or someone they know. From the two examples you have given, Pixie, this sounds more like selfishness. Don't let him hide behind the excuse of depression if he's being selfish.
Does he really want kids with you, or is the IVF more your idea?


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## BredliFreak (May 16, 2016)

Is it clinical depression or jut depression? If it is just depression then crack down on him, that isn't an excuse but for clinical depression I would lend him some sympathy, I have it myself and it isn't easy, in fact it is very painful. 

But this statement is ridiculous. IVF is a hobby? This guy clearly isn't ready to raise a child.


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## pixie (May 16, 2016)

BredliFreak said:


> Is it clinical depression or jut depression? If it is just depression then crack down on him, that isn't an excuse but for clinical depression I would lend him some sympathy, I have it myself and it isn't easy, in fact it is very painful.
> 
> But this statement is ridiculous. IVF is a hobby? This guy clearly isn't ready to raise a child.


Clinical. 
He's been having an awful time. I'm often the victim of how bad he's feeling. 
It's tough on both of us. It's bad timing with the ivf thing but we've been told I've got a limited window for it to work, so it's try now or not have the chance....


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## BredliFreak (May 16, 2016)

That sucks, I hope he gets better so things can work out better. For now I would try and keep positive and if you get a break spend some time with him. I hope the IVF goes well.


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## Raymonde (May 16, 2016)

To me it sounds like both of you have some fair points and that there is no easy answer to your problem. It sounds like the overtime is a temporary thing and that part of the problem is that he has to look after animals he has no connection too. Maybe its possible to temporarily house your python with a friend until you have more time, that way he gets a break and you will get your snake back. This is by no means a great solution and there are plenty of issues with getting someone to look after a pet but maybe it is a compromise that could work for you and your partner. It seems like this is a really tough and busy time in your lives and if you can figure out a way through this it may get better. He's not being completely unreasonable, but then neither are you in wanting to keep your pets, there must be a way for it to work, some compromise that both of you can be ok with.

No one on this forum can truly know what you are going through or tell you what to do. This is a complex issue and we don't really know you or your partner. Your partner must be important to you if you are engaged and planning a family, and your pets are also important. All I can suggest is try and find some temporary solution to ease some of the pressure on BOTH of you so that you get through this tough stage and still have a good life together. It sounds like he misses you and is not coping very well and that the pets are just the last straw that is tipping the balance. It also sounds like you are tired from working so hard, which it sounds like you have to do but it still sucks. Maybe you can both take a few days off to rest and get some perspective, so you can think clearly and talk things through. I hope you can figure something out.


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## kingofnobbys (May 16, 2016)

pixie said:


> Clinical.
> He's been having an awful time. I'm often the victim of how bad he's feeling.
> It's tough on both of us. It's bad timing with the ivf thing but we've been told I've got a limited window for it to work, so it's try now or not have the chance....



No expert, but it takes a LONG TIME to treat clinical depression and he'll suffer bouts of mental illness for the rest of his life, perhaps you are looking for an out for yourself.

I still think you both need to do A LOT of growing up. 

Seems to me you want IT ALL now and aren't prepared to wait or build towards your dream. Anything worth having is worth waiting for (surely the eggs can be collected and saved until you and the partner are in a better headspace).

Maybe you and the partner should reconsider things and work more on relationship building than family making and wealth building.

I suggest relationship counciling. No one here should be interfering , this is something that is best resolved by you and him ALONE after some professional counciling has been taken on board.

Be thankful you currently don't have the big house and there are no children involved.


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## krazedboarder (Jun 7, 2016)

I would try putting you partner on eBay or gumtree free to good home. Though HATES ANIMALS, bossy, tells you what to do. You might be stuck with him?

or just leave him on the side of the road and start fresh


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