# Dad Jokes



## emmalene_bunny (Dec 19, 2012)

So my dad is always amazing me with these really ridiculous dad jokes, all of the time. Luckily I haven't lived at home since I was 13 and have been able to have bare minimum of these jokes. So when I first got my little children's python my god they started poring out of him because he doesn't like snakes. 
First started when I was making dinner, and he suggested that I fry up my little one with my sir fry :shock: most recently I got sunburnt and have started peeling, he said I should move into an enclosure to help me shed:| 
Any one else have to deal with dads who think they are funny? Or any dads on here have any lines that are funny (to you)


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## sharky (Dec 19, 2012)

Nope, my dad is 100% awesome! He loves the snakes too much to joke about them ,lol


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 19, 2012)

Lucky, my dad has come up with various speeches about how I could sauté him, spit roast him on a stick with a cherry in his mouth:shock: I'm the only one with a crazy dad wanting me to cook my snake, fantastic!


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## Grogshla (Dec 19, 2012)

My mum hates them, she only thinks I have 2 snakes haha.
Dad doesn't doesn't like them either.
It would get me cut if my parents said stuff like that but I guess it his way of being funny.


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## nintendont (Dec 19, 2012)

my dad thinks coastals are boring cos they just sit there during the day so asks me if he can stick his hand in front of it. Was due for a feed and I tell him he will probably get bit, but he chooses to do it anyway...I guess he didnt expect the coiling that accompanies a full-on feed response. wish I recorded it...was entertaining


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 19, 2012)

Grogshla said:


> My mum hates them, she only thinks I have 2 snakes haha.
> Dad doesn't doesn't like them either.
> It would get me cut if my parents said stuff like that but I guess it his way of being funny.



Why can't they all just love them the way we do!!



nintendont said:


> my dad thinks coastals are boring cos they just sit there during the day so asks me if he can stick his hand in front of it. Was due for a feed and I tell him he will probably get bit, but he chooses to do it anyway...I guess he didnt expect the coiling that accompanies a full-on feed response. wish I recorded it...was entertaining



You should tell him that he's more than welcome to stay up, sit still and watch him come out to play! That would have been a sight to see for sure! Not so burning snake am I now dad  I remember giving my dad my little one when I first got him before I fed him, placed him in my dads hand and he struck at nothing, he was the size of a giant earth worm & that was enough for him to not like him forever!


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## shrinkie (Dec 23, 2012)

dont have any dad jokes but my dd thinks its hillarous when i ask wats to eat and he says everything he knows i cant eat -.-


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## Umbral (Dec 23, 2012)

I've got something in my eye.... I'll take a look, hold still..... Yep thats an eyeball alright. My day is full of silly things like that lol.


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 23, 2012)

My dad once told my friend not to bother having a shower when we stayed at his house because "ugly doesn't wash off"!


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## Stuart (Dec 23, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> My dad once told my friend not to bother having a shower when we stayed at his house because "ugly doesn't wash off"!


Your dad would get along well with mine. 

I got dumped because I was constantly hanging with mates or playing computer games rather than spending quality time with here Dad told me I would do better being gay because at least then I would have a chance at a relationship longer than a couple of months.


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 23, 2012)

SniperCap said:


> Your dad would get along well with mine.
> 
> I got dumped because I was constantly hanging with mates or playing computer games rather than spending quality time with here Dad told me I would do better being gay because at least then I would have a chance at a relationship longer than a couple of months.



They could be besties by the sounds of that! I guess it all makes sense in their heads, and is funny, in their heads.


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## sharky (Dec 23, 2012)

haha, that's quite funny E_bunny! But REALLY embarrassing ay the same time :/


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 23, 2012)

sharkyy1o5 said:


> haha, that's quite funny E_bunny! But REALLY embarrassing ay the same time :/



He was always worse to one of my friends because she was so awkward and couldn't tell if he was being serious or not, and you no that voice of, "daaaad!:evil:" But now I just tell him he's getting to old to know what he's even talking about hehe!


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## Sleazy.P.Martini (Dec 24, 2012)

Dad: Ever seen the serial number on a condom?
Me: No?
Dad: Really? You mustn't be rolling them out far enough...


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 24, 2012)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That's absolutely hilarious!!!!!!


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## thomasssss (Dec 24, 2012)

furiousgeorge said:


> Dad: Ever seen the serial number on a condom?
> Me: No?
> Dad: Really? You mustn't be rolling them out far enough...


that is gold :lol:


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## Emilie (Dec 25, 2012)

Your dads are just mean, some of the stuff you are referring to is not even close to funny


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## Stuart (Dec 25, 2012)

Emilie said:


> Your dads are just mean, some of the stuff you are referring to is not even close to funny


My dad still clips me round the ear, just in case I have done something wrong. I turned out ok.

oh, and I like purple crayons.


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 25, 2012)

Emilie said:


> Your dads are just mean, some of the stuff you are referring to is not even close to funny



Each to their own I guess, I couldn't imagine my dad any other way and I wouldn't change him for the world, no matter what he always puts a smile on my face


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## Emilie (Dec 25, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> My dad once told my friend not to bother having a shower when we stayed at his house because "ugly doesn't wash off"!


One thing is to have your dad say it to you (which is where I still say MEAN), but to your friend???? I think that is bad humor and you never know how a person reacts to those kind of words. Everyone understands he's joking, but we all know the best jokes have a slight truth to them. If my friends dad had said anything like that to me or any of my friends I would surely let him know how insensitive and arrogant a saying like that sounds. Nothing funny about it for the person it's said to.


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 25, 2012)

Emilie said:


> One thing is to have your dad say it to you (which is where I still say MEAN), but to your friend???? I think that is bad humor and you never know how a person reacts to those kind of words. Everyone understands he's joking, but we all know the best jokes have a slight truth to them. If my friends dad had said anything like that to me or any of my friends I would surely let him know how insensitive and arrogant a saying like that sounds. Nothing funny about it for the person it's said to.



Well good for you, nice to know how you'd react, and that you clearly don't have any sense of humer at all. I think in all fairness go ahead and think it's "bad humor" I guess I can see who the sensitive one is in this conversation. And no, not all jokes have slight truth to them, my best friend who I have been friends with for over 10 years he said it to and she is absolutely stunning, so it's pretty funny in my eyes.


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 25, 2012)

I was just thinking it would very much depend on the circumstances and the relationship between your dad and your friend. Context makes all the difference. Glad you qualified it – makes the difference between funny and really rude.

I gave up telling jokes to my kids, almost before I got started. The drawn out “Dad!” and groan that went with it, were far too frequent compared to the occasional muffled laughter. I can take a hint.

I think last time I tried was when they had all the M & M adds on the tele. I said: “What do you call an M&M with an erection?” Answer: “A thumbtack. “Not funny!” came the only reply. Haven’t bothered since.

Blue


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 25, 2012)

I think as I get older I appreciate my dads little jokes here and there, because being younger all I did was that "dad!" groan and the "I know everything" attitude. 

Don't give up Blue! Don't stop making those little jokes, because they will always remember them, and it's nice to look back and think about those little moments in life, even if if they smile for a second because the joke was completely ridiculous, a smiles still a smile and a little memorie to go with it


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## Stuart (Dec 25, 2012)

Bluetongue1 said:


> I
> I think last time I tried was when they had all the M & M adds on the tele. I said: “What do you call an M&M with an erection?” Answer: “A thumbtack. “Not funny!” came the only reply. Haven’t bothered since.
> 
> Blue


You owe me a new beer, the poor dogs are looking at me funny and my wife thinks I'm even more looney than normal after reading that and bursting into laughter. 

I can understand certain folks sensitivity to various forms of humor as certain things tickle a persons funny bone differently to someone else. The only time it becomes an issues is when the wrong humor pushed (as Blue rightly said) or when someone tells you your sense of humor is wrong. 

Im sure certain jokes I told and was told while waiting for time to pass between patrols would certainly not be suitable for a family dinner and visa versa


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## Rob (Dec 25, 2012)

Bluetongue1 said:


> “What do you call an M&M with an erection?” Answer: “A thumbtack.



I really hate it when your favourite beverage starts oozing out your nasal passage, so yeah, Cheers for that Blue !


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 26, 2012)

Sorry about that *Snipercap*. I know that feeling well, *Rob*...Lol.
*e_b*, lots of hours of hours of made up stories when putting them to bed and cooking their favourite meals and lots of other tasty dishes plus running Dad’s taxi 7 days a week have more than made up for any deficit in humorous comments. They have been spoilt but they have also been given the right directions on life, so they are doing OK even if they don’t appreciate dad’s humour. Such is life.

Blue


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## humba_jumba (Dec 26, 2012)

this thread is too good, the ugly joke was great and the m & m joke was great... The best one was you should get into the enclosure to have a shed... That's just brilliant gold... haha made my morning lol...


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## sharky (Dec 26, 2012)

I agree, this thread is great! If you feel sad....*READ THIS!!!!*


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 26, 2012)

I'll have to tell my dad to get snappy with some more!  :lol:


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## humba_jumba (Dec 26, 2012)

why was the Egyptian boy confused? Because his daddy was a mummie...


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## Rob (Dec 26, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> I'll have to tell my dad to get snappy with some more!  :lol:



Maybe even try the M&M joke out on him ?


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 26, 2012)

*Humba Jumba*,
I recall a colleague at work who had to rush of to the ladies room, hand acros her mouth. A mate asked her if she'd eaten something dodgy for dinner. She replied no... but she had caught the Eygptian Flu. Always curious I walked straight into this one and said I had never heard of the Eygptian Flu, please explain. She said it is quite simple - it incubates in your body for 9 months, then you turn into a mummy. DOH!


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## Emilie (Dec 27, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> Well good for you, nice to know how you'd react, and that you clearly don't have any sense of humer at all. I think in all fairness go ahead and think it's "bad humor" I guess I can see who the sensitive one is in this conversation. And no, not all jokes have slight truth to them, my best friend who I have been friends with for over 10 years he said it to and she is absolutely stunning, so it's pretty funny in my eyes.


Thats my point. How sure can you be they don't take it the wrong way? Just look at recent events with the royal hoax. Jokes that goes on people's appearance in a negative way, even if its funny to everyone else my not be that funny to the person said to. I'm just saying joke or not, some people should think before they speak and evaluate what the consequences might be of it. That aside, if your dad Know your friend well and thought it was a good joke that's fine. I'm not a very sensitive person myself and usually could not give a damn what people say to me, but I've first hand seen what bad choice of words can do to the sensitive ones as you call it and would therefor mind my words


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 27, 2012)

You have got the memory working overtime. I now recall when the kids were younger I used to tell them what I called “Fractured Nursery Rhymes”. They actually enjoyed those. A couple of examples…

Humpty Dumpty sat one the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men,
Said I think it's omelettes for dinner again.

Georgy Porgy, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too. He’s funny that way!

Blue


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

Emilie said:


> Thats my point. How sure can you be they don't take it the wrong way? Just look at recent events with the royal hoax. Jokes that goes on people's appearance in a negative way, even if its funny to everyone else my not be that funny to the person said to. I'm just saying joke or not, some people should think before they speak and evaluate what the consequences might be of it. That aside, if your dad Know your friend well and thought it was a good joke that's fine. I'm not a very sensitive person myself and usually could not give a damn what people say to me, but I've first hand seen what bad choice of words can do to the sensitive ones as you call it and would therefor mind my words



Look you are taking this all out of proportion again, from dad jokes, seriously, you make some points in regards to hurting people's feelings, I agree that people should consider more on how they other person *might* take it, but I don't feel like the royal hoax doesn't even compare to my original post itself, so there is no need to compare this banana is bigger than that banana. So again, nice of you to make some points, I'm sure plenty of adults think before they speak and the harmless jokes they say, you have singled out one joke and made it into a big deal, when its not a big deal at all. I would think twice before assuming I don't understand or haven't taken into consideration of some of the outcomes that can happen due to a poor choice in words.


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## Emilie (Dec 27, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> Look you are taking this all out of proportion again, from dad jokes, seriously, you make some points in regards to hurting people's feelings, I agree that people should consider more on how they other person *might* take it, but I don't feel like the royal hoax doesn't even compare to my original post itself, so there is no need to compare this banana is bigger than that banana. So again, nice of you to make some points, I'm sure plenty of adults think before they speak and the harmless jokes they say, you have singled out one joke and made it into a big deal, when its not a big deal at all. I would think twice before assuming I don't understand or haven't taken into consideration of some of the outcomes that can happen due to a poor choice in words.



Maybe when I'm 20 like you I find it funny then. Currently I still think that joke was mean, and yes I singled out that joke because a lot of the other jokes here was funny but the one I'm talking about I still think it was mean, maybe it's not so mean amongst adults, but say a joke like that in my classroom I'm pretty sure I would be expelled


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

Emilie said:


> Maybe when I'm 20 like you I find it funny then. Currently I still think that joke was mean, and yes I singled out that joke because a lot of the other jokes here was funny but the one I'm talking about I still think it was mean, maybe it's not so mean amongst adults, but say a joke like that in my classroom I'm pretty sure I would be expelled



Look I personally don't think that age has anything to do with this factor what so ever, you have made your point on that you think it's mean thing to say, I think you need to stop pinpointing the one joke and move on, my original thread was started to hear more jokes, not the possible repercussions and outcomes, you need to consider in the first place that they are just jokes!


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## junglemac (Dec 27, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> Look I personally don't think that age has anything to do with this factor what so ever, you have made your point on that you think it's mean thing to say, I think you need to stop pinpointing the one joke and move on, my original thread was started to hear more jokes, not the possible repercussions and outcomes, you need to consider in the first place that they are just jokes!



Haha mate. You realize you are arguing with a twelve year old? I can understand very well why someone that age find the joke in question mean, and age HAS a lot to do with this. I think I will agree with Emily here lol


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## Stuart (Dec 27, 2012)

What do you call a train carrying toffee?

A Chew Chew Train....

HA


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

junglemac said:


> Haha mate. You realize you are arguing with a twelve year old? I can understand very well why someone that age find the joke in question mean, and age HAS a lot to do with this. I think I will agree with Emily here lol



Again, that is your personal opinion, and if you read back to my original comments, I said each to their own in the first place, there is no point continuing a conversation when I was in agreeance with many points that she made and was simply trying to get the post back on track.

- - - Updated - - -



SniperCap said:


> What do you call a train carrying toffee?
> 
> A Chew Chew Train....
> 
> HA



You have just made my morning so much better since I'm stuck at work with no real holidays this year!

What do you call a snake who is employed by the government?

A civil Serpent!:lol:


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## junglemac (Dec 27, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> Again, that is your personal opinion, and if you read back to my original comments, I said each to their own in the first place, there is no point continuing a conversation when I was in agreeance with many points that she made and was simply trying to get the post back on track.



Lol, you have to take the last word don't you. I think Emily has plenty valid points, and the one repeating herself is you. Take a breath and listen to yourself, everyone must be entitled to an opinion even if you don't like her calling your dad mean. You stand up for yourself Emily


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

junglemac said:


> Lol, you have to take the last word don't you. I think Emily has plenty valid points, and the one repeating herself is you. Take a breath and listen to yourself, everyone must be entitled to an opinion even if you don't like her calling your dad mean. You stand up for yourself Emily



Get back on topic already and get over it, I was never shutting her down & *AGAIN *I agreed with her on most points that she made, I've got no problem with her calling my dad "mean" so how about re-reading the entire conversation over again before you start jumping down my throat!


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## Rob (Dec 27, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> I'm stuck at work with no real holidays this year!



 Best treat yourself to a day out at the VHS expo then.


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

Rob72 said:


> Best treat yourself to a day out at the VHS expo then.



I know I'm so excited! It will be my first time attending and I have already convinced many of my friends to come with me


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## Rob (Dec 27, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> I know I'm so excited! It will be my first time attending and I have already convinced many of my friends to come with me



You will love it. I dare say even your non-herp friends should enjoy it, just not as much as you.


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## thomasssss (Dec 27, 2012)

junglemac said:


> Lol, you have to take the last word don't you. I think Emily has plenty valid points, and the one repeating herself is you. Take a breath and listen to yourself, everyone must be entitled to an opinion even if you don't like her calling your dad mean. You stand up for yourself Emily


bahahaha take a breath and listen to YOURSELF your moving in on an argument started by a kid with nothing better to do , there harmless jokes and anyone who cant see that then well i kinda feel sorry for you , no ones picked on the condom joke , you girls have no idea how that could knock a young mans confidence about  but noooo all the girlys pick on the joke about ugly not washing off  must be personal for you huh


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## junglemac (Dec 27, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> Get back on topic already and get over it, I was never shutting her down & *AGAIN *I agreed with her on most points that she made, I've got no problem with her calling my dad "mean" so how about re-reading the entire conversation over again before you start jumping down my throat!



What topic? She said the joke was mean, you said she had no sense of humor, she continued saying the joke was mean and some people should think before they speak, there is a no win situation with you. No matter how subtle one argues you can't let it go, I think this will be my last word in this conversation.


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## Stuart (Dec 27, 2012)

Two cows standing in a field. One turns to the other and says, "Aren't you worried about this Mad Cow Disease?"
The other turns around and says, "It doesn't bother me, Im a helicopter".

Its a joke thread Ladies and Gents, the merits and perspectives of which can be discussed at length but at the end of the day a joke is a joke. Sometimes they offend, sometimes they don't, how you choose to respond dictates the major outcome.

Now, enough of the serious stuff, I was enjoying the thread


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## junglemac (Dec 27, 2012)

thomasssss said:


> bahahaha take a breath and listen to YOURSELF your moving in on an argument started by a kid with nothing better to do , there harmless jokes and anyone who cant see that then well i kinda feel sorry for you , no ones picked on the condom joke , you girls have no idea how that could knock a young mans confidence about  but noooo all the girlys pick on the joke about ugly not washing off  must be personal for you huh


i love nothing more than to fire up a youngster with troubles admitting faults. I'm having a gooood chuckle here


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

Rob72 said:


> You will love it. I dare say even your non-herp friends should enjoy it, just not as much as you.



I will be planning & preparing greatly of how much it's going to overwhelm me (and possibly my credit card)

Now Rob I have one for you 

If you crossed a snake with a Robin, what kind of bird would you get?

A Swallow  :lol:


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## Elapidae1 (Dec 27, 2012)

My dad had the annoying habit of running for the phone when we were expecting friends and later girlfriends to call.
He would answer with stupid jokes like the old "Pauls mortuary you kill em we chill em" or just random dumb business names. If it was a new friend or girlfriend often they would often just hang up and we would miss a much anticipated call. My dad thought this was hilarious.

If we were hurt. "Don't worry it won't hurt when the pains gone"


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## thomasssss (Dec 27, 2012)

never mind , i wont feed the trolls 

now back to the jokes people


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

Elapidae1 said:


> My dad had the annoying habit of running for the phone when we were expecting friends and later girlfriends to call.
> He would answer with stupid jokes like the old "Pauls mortuary you kill em we chill em" or just random dumb business names. If it was a new friend or girlfriend often they would often just hang up and we would miss a much anticipated call. My dad thought this was hilarious.
> 
> If we were hurt. "Don't worry it won't hurt when the pains gone"



My step dad did the same thing to myself and my step brothers! He wouldn't let us to answer the phones so he could make up ridiculous pet names for our boyfriends/ girlfriends, sorry to my year 7 boyfriend who got stuck with Shawn the Sheep every time he called!

- - - Updated - - -



thomasssss said:


> never mind , i wont feed the trolls
> 
> now back to the jokes people



This ones just for you!

What do you call a snake that builds things?
A Boa Constructor! :lol:


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## Endeavour (Dec 27, 2012)

I thought my jokes were bad.


Kindest regards

Endeavour

- - - Updated - - -

Went to the doctors the other day and told him I felt like a pair of curtains, all the doctor said was pull yourself together. (point well proven I think).


Kindest regards


Endeavour


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

Endeavour said:


> I thought my jokes were bad.
> 
> 
> Kindest regards
> ...



I keep finding little snake ones that are as silly as possible/ hisss-terical  
But I think you topped it with that one! 
I love that I'm so easily amused it's getting me through this slow day at work


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 27, 2012)

Think it must have been that era Elapid1. Dad used to occasionally answer the phone with: “Dis is da morgue. How can I help ya?”. My older brother took over from him. His favourite was “Helen’s Happiness Haven” (for some reason). The caller would usually ring straight back and start off with: “You know the strangest thing just happened….” 

Had all but forgotten the ‘What do you get if you cross…?’ jokes. I still like the kangaroo crossed with an elephant – Flamin’ holes all over Australia. And for an unexpected change of pace… What do you get if try and cross a rooster with a rooster? Two very cross roosters.

Then there’s all the definition jokes. One of my favourites is a definition of “naïve”… The little old lady working in the condom factory, thinking she’s making raincoats for snakes. (Had to a put a reptilian touch in there). Enough for now. Don't want you wincing too much.


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

Thanks for this Blue, raincoats for snakes:lol:


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## Ralphee (Dec 27, 2012)

A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."


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## harlemrain (Dec 27, 2012)

Bluetongue1 said:


> Think it must have been that era Elapid1. Dad used to occasionally answer the phone with: “Dis is da morgue. How can I help ya?”. My older brother took over from him. His favourite was “Helen’s Happiness Haven” (for some reason). The caller would usually ring straight back and start off with: “You know the strangest thing just happened….”
> 
> Had all but forgotten the ‘What do you get if you cross…?’ jokes. I still like the kangaroo crossed with an elephant – Flamin’ holes all over Australia. And for an unexpected change of pace… What do you get if try and cross a rooster with a rooster? Two very cross roosters.
> 
> Then there’s all the definition jokes. One of my favourites is a definition of “naïve”… The little old lady working in the condom factory, thinking she’s making raincoats for snakes. (Had to a put a reptilian touch in there). Enough for now. Don't want you wincing too much.



Bahaha Raincoates for snakes!!! Lol, what do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A wooley jumper


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

coastalcarpet12 said:


> what do you get when you cross a kangaroo and a sheep? A wooley jumper



Such a classic!! :lol:


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## harlemrain (Dec 27, 2012)

The jokes on here are so funny, but couldn't help thinking to myself when reading it "_all we are saaaayingg....is give peace a chaance!!!!"

_Lol, random I know but hey world peace guys, world peace ;P


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

coastalcarpet12 said:


> The jokes on here are so funny, but couldn't help thinking to myself when reading it "_all we are saaaayingg....is give peace a chaance!!!!"_Lol, random I know but hey world peace guys, world peace ;P


Wait I have one, what do you call a hippies wife?
Missesss-hippi :lol:

Like the state... Awkward.. :shock:


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 27, 2012)

*Ralphee*,
Did you hear about the American Indian that won the tea drinking competition? poor fellow almost drownwed in his teepee.

A few oldies that that have done the rounds but the kids actually enjoyed most of these...
What do you call a dinosaur thta is about to eat you? "I-think-he-saurus".
What do call a man with no arms and no legs who goes swimming? Bob.
What do you call a man dressed in a suit made of brown paper? Russell.
What do you call a man with a rabbit stuck up his backside? Warren.
What do you call a stag that has had its eyes gouged out by another stag's antlers? No idea.
What do call once wanders out on a road and gets run over by a truck? Still no idea.

I hope you day wasn't oo bad. It's always a bummer having to work between Christmas and New Years.

Blue


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## Sleazy.P.Martini (Dec 27, 2012)

thomasssss said:


> bahahaha take a breath and listen to YOURSELF your moving in on an argument started by a kid with nothing better to do , there harmless jokes and anyone who cant see that then well i kinda feel sorry for you , no ones picked on the condom joke , you
> girls have no idea how that could knock a young mans confidence about  but noooo all the girlys pick on the joke about ugly not washing off  must be personal for you huh



Didn't knock my confidence about at all, I was gonna get upset but thought "no, I'll be the bigger man"...does that count as a dad joke?

- - - Updated - - -

P.s...See the cemetery? Its the dead centre of town. Yeh, had to put a fence around it, people were just dying to get in


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 27, 2012)

I have been a little bit concerned about comments. I have no desire to reignite that which has hopefully put out. I would, however, like to share a little of the understandings I have gleaned from my time on the planet.

I spent a lot of years in the classroom with high school kids and I figure I have a reasonable insight into what they go through in the beginning years. I also clearly remember my own early teens. That dawning of self awareness that comes with adult hormones kicking in, has a huge effect on kids. They need all the positives and regular interaction you can muster as a parent. Hopefully by that by stage you should have them involved in some form of regular activity that they enjoy and are good at and get lots of positive feedback from. These are protective factors. Suddenly becoming aware of self, kids are uncertain who they are and how others view them. The mean comments that other kids make in the schoolyard or down the shops etc, that used to be forgotten in an hour, now can eat away at their self image and do some real damage. As a parent, there is no substitute for spending time with your kids. I hate the expression “quality time” because it says to me you are too damn busy to get your priorities right. If you spend an hour watching a TV show with your child parked next to you and leaning against you, not a word has to be exchanged. That child will know that he or she is loved and worthwhile, because you have taken time out from all that you do to spend it with them. Obviously you need to interact with your children. But the point I am trying to emphasise is that it is your time that counts. Spending time with them, showing interest in what they like… being there!

I do understand where the concerns about the “ugly” comment come from. As I mentioned in a post, context is everything. Initially, there was no context given. I myself was somewhat taken aback that a dad would say that to his daughters friend. However, my concerns were alleviated when the context was explained. Clearly the girl was friendly with the dad and new what his sense of humour was like. Under those circumstances, referring to a knowing individual as ‘ugly’, in a sarcastic comment, actually conveys the opposite sentiment. It says that the dad is so comfortable that he is not going to be taken literally, he is can afford to be extremely cheeky. To the recipient of such a remark, under those circumstances, it is actually a compliment on their good looks.

My elder brother was the cheeky one of the family and extremely quick witted. One of my older sisters had a number of friends she used to invite over occasionally, one of which my brother thought was particularly hot. To cut a long story short, my brother had this expression: “Do you take ugly pills?”. He actually used it on this particular lass and with a fortnight they were an item.

Context (familiarity, understanding, that which has gone before etc) makes all the difference to meaning and effect. 

Blue


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 27, 2012)

Thanks for your insight Blue  i really enjoyed your perspective on the topics.
Now all you need to do is add a "dad joke" or any at the end and I will deem this post as completely perfect 

- - - Updated - - -

So I think I'll post this little photo that I've been laughing at the last hour  I love this little grumpy cat, he keeps popping up everywhere!
View attachment 275387


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## cathy1986 (Dec 27, 2012)

A guy walks into a shrinks office in nothing but clingwrap and says
"doc i been feeling a bit weird lately, could you tell me whats wrong"

And the dr replies 
"well lad i can clearly see your nuts"

Cathy


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 27, 2012)

Hang on. I have the ideal cat picture if I can find it.






Blue


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## Sleazy.P.Martini (Dec 27, 2012)

cathy1986 said:


> A guy walks into a shrinks office in nothing but clingwrap and says
> "doc i been feeling a bit weird lately, could you tell me whats wrong"
> 
> And the dr replies
> ...



Ha. Nice


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 27, 2012)

*Cathy*, I will say that reminds me of a number of jokes, none of which are reproducible here. However, this should suffice…
Blue*


*


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## Rob (Dec 27, 2012)

emmalene_bunny said:


> I love this little grumpy cat, he keeps popping up everywhere!




A bit like this one ?


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 28, 2012)

Rob72 said:


> A bit like this one ?



I love this!! 8)


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## Grogshla (Dec 28, 2012)

haha Immortal. They have some good music actually haha


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 28, 2012)

View attachment 275395
:d


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## sharky (Dec 28, 2012)

Does the cat feature of stage ?


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 28, 2012)

sharkyy1o5 said:


> Does the cat feature of stage ?



This particular cat has been entertaining me now since yesterday, truthfully I'm a bit obsessed the photos are awesome I wish he was on stage! I have another photo, but I'm not going to post in so I don't end up looking like a crazy cat lady hahah :lol:


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## sharky (Dec 28, 2012)

Everyone has cat photos! All mine don't turn out right.....they all seem to look like an albino beached whale....


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## Rob (Dec 28, 2012)

This cat features regularly in Black Metal memes. Some of them are awesome.


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 28, 2012)

HAHAHA ROB!!!! You have made my day! :lol:


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## Rob (Dec 28, 2012)

LOL. Search Black Metal Cat on Google images for more.


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## sharky (Dec 28, 2012)

:lol: :lol: OMG that is sooooooooooooooo funny!!!! You made me cry  I'm going shopping for fake plants for my snakes and lizards and now I look like Alice Cooper!!!! (Well, no loss there, he has a great look )


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## humba_jumba (Dec 28, 2012)

A man walks into a bar and say's "Ouch"!!!


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## BrownHash (Dec 28, 2012)

humba_jumba said:


> A man walks into a bar and say's "Ouch"!!!



reminds of this one 
"A baby seal walks into club...."


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 29, 2012)

Reminds me of another fractured nursery nursery rhyme...
Hickory, dickory, dock. Three mice ran up the clock. The clock sruck one... and the other two got away with just abrasions.


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## sharky (Dec 30, 2012)

No more Dad Jokes?  It was pretty hard to top Blue's joke :lol:
This ain't a dad joke but people were posting pictures, so....here's one especially for emmalene_bunny since she likes snake jokes


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 30, 2012)

YAY SHARKYY!!! Ah, my Sunday feels complete now! Thank you  you should see how big my grin is 

Ok, ok, back on track here.

What do snakes do after the fight with one another?
HISSS and make up:lol:


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## sharky (Dec 31, 2012)

I'm glad you liked it 

Hahahahaha, where do you get all these snake jokes from?! Next you'll be telling us Gene Simmons (Spelling) has a snake that is the bass player for "HISS" :lol:


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## Irbz_27 (Dec 31, 2012)

Q: How do you measure a snake? 
A: In inches. They don't have any feet!


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## disintegratus (Dec 31, 2012)

One of the first things my stepdad asked me about our snakes: "so, what does it do when it feels like having a lie down?"

And Sharky, that pic is so super-adorable!


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## saintanger (Dec 31, 2012)

Q: If you crossed a snake with a robin, what kind of bird would you get?
A swallow!

Q: Why couldn't the female snake have any babies?
A: Because she'd had a hiss-terectomy!


*When Dad drops a pea off of his plate 'oh dear I've pee'd on the table!'


Me: I feel like a sandwich
Dad: Funny, you don't look like one....

*


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 31, 2012)

I’ll bet I know what your dad says when he gets egg and beetroot in the salad.

There is a long joke the kids (Both adult now) didn’t complain about. Naah, I’ll stick with a couple of short ones…

How do you titillate an ocelot? 
Oscillate its tit a lot.

A man walked into a bar where the dress requirement included wearing a necktie. The barman told him: “Sorry but I cannot serve you as you do not meet the dress code requirements.” So he went back to his and searched for a tie but to no avail. So he used the only thing he had, a pair of jumper leaders, and put on a jacket to cover the clamps. He returned to the bar and asked: “Will this do?”. The barman looked him over thoroughly, then said: “Alright. We will serve you. But don’t start anything!” 

Blue


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## emmalene_bunny (Dec 31, 2012)

sharkyy1o5 said:


> I'm glad you liked it
> 
> 
> Hahahahaha, where do you get all these snake jokes from?! Next you'll be telling us Gene Simmons (Spelling) has a snake that is the bass player for "HISS"



I have a link bookmarked on my phone with a whole list of them haha!




saintanger said:


> Q: If you crossed a snake with a robin, what kind of bird would you get? A swallow!



Now I've already said that one  copy cat! 
So my next one is just for you! 

What do you get if you cross a snake with a pie?
A Pie-Thon!! :lol:


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## Bluetongue1 (Dec 31, 2012)

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor, can you please help me. My husband’s sex drive is too high and I would like you to lower it.” Knowing the husband, the doctor replied: “Madam, he is 75 years old. At that age it pretty much all in his head”. “That’s the problem” she replied. “It would be nice if was about one metre lower occasionally.” 

“Ahh! I see” said the doctor. “I have just the thing you need” he said reaching into his pill cupboard and producing a sample packet. “Place two of these Viagra tablets in his morning cup of coffee. Give it a little stir to dissolve them and let me know how you go.”

A few days later the little old lady went back to see the doctor. “So how did it go with your husband and the Viagra?” enquired the doctor enthusiastically. “An absolute disaster!” the little old lady replied. Taken aback by this, the doctor was keen to know what had gone wrong. “Did you make sure you used the Viagra tablets?” “Yes doctor.” “Did you make use of them at breakfast, like I suggested?” “Yes doctor.” “Did you take out two tablets and put both tablets into his cup of coffee?” “Yes doctor.” Did you stir his coffee so that the tablets were fully dissolved?” “Yes doctor.” “Did he drink all of his coffee?” “Yes doctor.” 

The doctor was at a loss to explain why the tablets had not worked. So he asked the little old lady to tell him everything that happened. She looked at the doctor and explained how her husband had become extremely sexually aroused after his coffee, the first time in a long time. “Well that was good.” said the doctor. The little old lady then explained how her husband had completely disrobed in front of her, erect and ready. “Sounds very much on track so far” said the doctor, “and then what?” “Well, said the little old lady, “He tore off all of my clothing.” “And then?” asked the doctor. “Well then he cleared everything off the table and we made passion love right then and there on the table, like we haven’t done in twenty years”. “That’s great!” said the doctor, clearly excited at his successful solution to her problem. “That was exactly what you wanted, was it not? Why on Earth would you describe that as an absolute disaster? “Well” said the little old lady, “I shall never be able to show my face in McDonalds again!”

Blue


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## Ralphee (Jan 2, 2013)

View attachment 275792


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## emmalene_bunny (Jan 2, 2013)

Ralphee said:


> View attachment 275792



Photo isn't working, if you could please try again


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## sharky (Jan 2, 2013)

OH DEAR GOD! The dad jokes have started at my house :shock:
Dad: What are you having for lunch
Me: Sandwhich.
Dad: I was thinking about having python.
Me: What??????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dad: Yeah I might throw one on the BBQ, tastes like chicken, y'know?
Me: Oh god.....
Dad: Might have it with a rat salad topped with lizard sprinkles.
Me: *walks slowly out of the room....RUN!!!!*

Oh and this? This is just another cat photo :lol:


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## emmalene_bunny (Jan 2, 2013)

Oh Sharky not your dad with the cooking up pythons too! 

Think its time to start re-locating, slowly, one by one.. 

And a photo just for you Sharkey 


View attachment 275827


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## sharky (Jan 2, 2013)

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahha, that is funny!!!! Made my day E_Bunny!


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## emmalene_bunny (Jan 2, 2013)

sharkyy1o5 said:


> :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
> 
> Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahha, that is funny!!!! Made my day E_Bunny!



View attachment 275833


And this one is my goodnight one to you


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## sharky (Jan 2, 2013)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
That is so cute and funny!!!!! Love it


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## emmalene_bunny (Jan 15, 2013)

Ok, so I had dinner at my dads house last night, I started to explain to him how excited I was about going to the VHS Expo next month, I think he purposely misheard me saying that it was the Victorian Herp Society Expo, I thought it was ok me just shortening it to herp, but instead he heard *Hemp*.. 
The next 10 minutes came out with all of these ridiculousness sayings of, "Why would you go an expo just to smoke snakes?" "Do you put the snakes in your pipe and smoke it?" "Do you think you can get flavored papers that go nice with them?" "Is that why some snake enclosures have those fake plant things that look like hemp plants?" and it really went on..
I think it's safe to say that I will not be bring my dad to any events to ensure that no snake (or other reptile) is "smoked" :shock:


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## sharky (Jan 15, 2013)

wow, there is no other word besides awkward :lol:


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## Rob (Feb 20, 2013)

Bumpitty Bump Bump


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## emmalene_bunny (Feb 20, 2013)

So glad you bumped this!!

Here you all go 

View attachment 282702


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## Stuart (Feb 20, 2013)




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## christopherR (Feb 20, 2013)

lol


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## =bECS= (Feb 20, 2013)

What kind of bees make milk? Boobees
What kind of pools are small? Nippools
What kind of cheese is not your cheese? Nacho cheese


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## emmalene_bunny (Feb 21, 2013)

So I just finished having dinner with my dad.
PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS JUST A JOKE, don't read if you take things too seriously!

What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables? 
Getting the wheelchair in the pot!
:lol:


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## borntobnude (Feb 21, 2013)

I started reading this thread thinking it was some great new joke , But it all seems perfectly normal to me the more I read ( Is this because I am one - these are MY jokes _sight gags -observations ) 
My local paper today had a humourus article on Gen Y but i dont think you want to read it as all it says is that their selfish ,demanding ,lazy and lack humour and the ability to recognise 



SARCASIM:lol:


Having read this thread and gone away come back and thought about it , it really should not matter if your dad tells good jokes or bad .My father passed away 5 yrs ago, he died with an OAM for services to the comunity through Lions ,Surf Life Saving and a few other oganisations all of which he was President , he worked hard and provided for his family with money but his time was always given to others . I dont mean to take the humour away from this thread but you all should be greatful for Good , Bad and Average dad jokes and be happy your dad made jokes with you at all . I have learnt that my dad did have a sense of humour -------------but not around his family


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## jacorin (Feb 21, 2013)

hell,i dont get past the first 4 numbers


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## sharky (Feb 22, 2013)

christopherR said:


> lol



:lol:

I was expecting it to say "Adopted" :lol:


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## Mitella (Feb 22, 2013)

what did the mother dinosaur say when she sat on a cactus?

mudergottasauras:shock:


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## Rob (Feb 28, 2013)




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## Stuart (Feb 28, 2013)




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## Bluetongue1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Why do elephants have red eyes? So they can hide in strawberry patches. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a strawberry patch? No. See, it works!

What is the black stuff between elephants' toes? Slow running natives.

What's green and hangs from trees. Elephant snot.

What is the difference between an elephant and a mail box? You don't know. I wouldn't send you to post a letter then.

Definition of optimistic: An ant climbing an elephant’s leg with a piece of confetti to wipe its bottom.


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## Bluetongue1 (Feb 28, 2013)

Tarzans last know words: “Who put grease on the vine?”

Why don’t ants have balls? …because they can’t dance!


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## Stuart (Feb 28, 2013)

How do you get Pikachu onto a bus?

Poke em on


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## Umbral (Feb 28, 2013)

What's the similarity between a monkey and a piano?


They both climb trees except the piano.


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## borntobnude (Feb 28, 2013)

Why are Elephants big grey and wrinkled?




Because, if they small white and smooth they would be a panadol.


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## andynic07 (Mar 1, 2013)

First thing this morning there was a tap on my door. My plumber has a funny sense of humour.

what did the farmer say to the cow on his roof. GET OFF!!


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## andynic07 (Mar 1, 2013)

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees , I thought she was just joking. And then I saw her face.


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## Rob (Mar 15, 2013)

I nicked this one off Sezzzzzz, LOL


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## Sezzzzzzzzz (Mar 15, 2013)

hehehe, i thought that one was pretty good Rob. i want to make coffees like that!


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## borntobnude (Mar 16, 2013)

Hey Michael you can go through there just keep it steady 
'Thanks DAD ,Now get someone with a snatchstrap --QUICK '
(not me or my son, but my Patrol saved the day again)

ps ,this cruiser has a 4inch lift and lockers front and back


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## Col-the-Trucker (Mar 16, 2013)

i'm a dad my babies are 18, 22 and 25 and i have just purchased my first snake a stimson's and no one is going to cook her up  i don't tell any jokes, cause i think i am hopeless at it 
have a great day


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## saratoga (Mar 16, 2013)

borntobnude said:


> ps ,this cruiser has a 4inch lift and lockers front and back



ps all it needs now is someone that knows how to drive it!


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## Megzz (Mar 20, 2013)

borntobnude said:


> Why are Elephants big grey and wrinkled?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:lol: Stupid is so great.


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## Stuart (Mar 20, 2013)

"Knock knock"

"Who is there"

"You know"

"You know who?"


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## tickerbox (Mar 21, 2013)

Ok, here's a funny story about the kind of things dads get up to when left alone with the kids 

I have 5 kids. When they were younger I attempted outings with them by myself, taking them shopping, etc. Wow, what a nightmare! They would get into a place like K-Mart and instrinctively bolt off in 3 different directions (much to many onlooking mother's delight I might add).

This became quite a problem for me. That is until... the day that the concept of the "leash and harness" was introduced to me! 

My saving grace had arrived. Five children under 8 years old, all wearing harnesses with 6 foot leashes attached at the back. Bliss!

Now, as I walked my children through the most complex of scenarios, I was once again in control. And it occurred to me that this leash arrangement was bringing back fond memories to me. Of my own childhood, when I used to own a big dog, a ridgeback. Rather than me walking him, he would walk me. That was until... the day I introduced a skateboard into the equation!! My dog would hoon me along the footpath behind him to the shops, down the road, to school. It was awesome!

You can probably imagine where this is going , and yes, you would be correct! For laughs and old times sake, I reintroduced the skateboard into my 5-child-bearing sleigh. I cannot describe the sheer delight I felt as I was whisked along through the corridors of K-Mart and Coles on my dad-mobile. And added to the delight were the faces of the horrified onlooking mothers! 

Why?, you ask.

Because I'm a dad, that why! 8)

Even now, my kids still can't believe that I pulled that stunt off, but they sure do laugh that I did!


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## disintegratus (Mar 21, 2013)

That. Is. Awesome.


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## phatty (Apr 4, 2013)

View attachment 287423


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## Firepac (Apr 6, 2013)

-I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down. 
-The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 
-I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. 
-I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 
-Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. 
-She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 
-I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me. 
-A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 
-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 
-I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time. 
-A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 
-He drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how the Mercedes bends. 
-Two silk worms had a race they ended up in a tie. 
-A rule of grammar: double negatives are a no-no. 
-A backward poet writes inverse. 
-In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 
-I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede. 
-Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here. I'll go on a head." 
-John Deere's manure spreader is the only equipment the company won't stand behind. 
-A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass." 
-The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 
-Police were called to a day-care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. 
-The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 
-To write with a broken pencil is pointless. 
-When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 
-A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was the nurse said 'No change yet'. 
-I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it. 
-What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.


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## emmalene_bunny (Apr 10, 2013)

Firepac why didn't I see all of that sooner?!


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## bigjoediver (Apr 10, 2013)

I'm reading a book on black holes it's not much to look at but it really draws you in !


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## Stuart (Apr 13, 2013)

I have a terrible fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it...


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## montysrainbow (Apr 13, 2013)

heres a couple from my 5 yr old...sorry not a dad. 

knock, knock

whos there?

ipe

ipe who?

haha ha u said i poo!  

*and 1 more lol*

how do u spell i cup?

umm...i c u p

Bahhahaaa mum u saw me pee :lol:


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