# Joke thread



## IsK67 (Mar 21, 2007)

[SIZE=-1] A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.


After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.


Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"


The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.


The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.


By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.


The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.


The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

*

*


(Wait for it)

*

*

*

*

(It's coming)

*

*

*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)

*

*

*

*

(Ya gonna hate me)

*

*

*

*


(Take a deep breath)

*

*

*

*


"He should've quit while he was a head!"[/SIZE]


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## NaughtyByNature (Mar 21, 2007)

:lol: :lol: :lol: 
No that was good, thanks for the giggle


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## waruikazi (Mar 21, 2007)

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and helpme. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." 

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 

The Blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." 

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." 

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then..... "He said with a deep sigh "Let's put all these corn flakes back in the box."


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## moosenoose (Mar 21, 2007)

IsK67 said:


> (Ya gonna hate me)



You're right!


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## bredli84 (Mar 21, 2007)

hahahahaha corn flakes!!!! :lol:


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## krissy78 (Mar 21, 2007)

A man takes his new car out for a drive on a nice sunny sunday afternoon and decides that because he is on a nice open stretch of road he will open her up... Slowly the gauge climbs 120.....140... when he hears a siren he goes faster still 160....180 eventually though he pulls over and the police officer approaches... The officer says

"Sir you were going quite a bit over the designated speed... It is friday, i am at the end of my shift I don't want to go back to the office to do paper work. So if you can give me a really good reason for why you were speeding away from me I will let you of with a warning only..." 

The man thinks for a moment and says

"Well sir last week my wife ran away with a police officer and i thought you were him, trying to give her back..."

The officer grins 
"consider yourself warned, have a nice day"


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## bredli84 (Mar 21, 2007)

is it friday or sunday?


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## Johan (Mar 21, 2007)

*biker bar*

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a
while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I
think it's only fair, since you are blind, that you should know five
things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 
"No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


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## Chris1 (Mar 21, 2007)

hahaha,...love it!!


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## moosenoose (Mar 21, 2007)

hahahaha Now we're getting somewhere! :lol:


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## cement (Mar 21, 2007)

Hahahaha, love jokes


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## krissy78 (Mar 21, 2007)

bredli84 said:


> is it friday or sunday?


nah it's friday, my mistake.... i automatically wrote sunny sunday


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## Johan (Mar 21, 2007)

Last one from me...

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day.. and then 2 days ... and then 3 days...
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said:
.
"OK, I give up. Where's the ship?"


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## krissy78 (Mar 21, 2007)

good 1 Johan love it


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## Earthling (Mar 21, 2007)

hahahahahahaha good work.


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## mines bigger (Mar 21, 2007)

*Question*
what has hundreds of teeth and holds back a monster???


*Answer*
My zipper


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## dragons75 (Mar 21, 2007)

Q.Who is the only 80 kilo jockey to ride a melbourne cup winner ?




A. Chris munces cell mate


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## IsK67 (May 2, 2007)

*Dead Duck*

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean,you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." 

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."


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## Chris1 (May 2, 2007)

hahaha,...funny!!


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## Johan (May 2, 2007)

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
"No, I'm your son's teacher."


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## Hsut77 (May 2, 2007)

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed,
"I
warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the
owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost
us." 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the
door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they
saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a
broken
antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that
broke my window?" 

"Uh... yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,"
the husband replied. 

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to
thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in
that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm
allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if
you
don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow,
that's
great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out,
"I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." 
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now
you,
young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. 

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants from every
country in the world," she said. 

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will
always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife." 

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you
know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you
think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know,
you're
right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said
the
husband. "I'd do the same for you!" 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest 
of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After
about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly
into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" 


"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. 

"No Kidding," he said.
"Thirty-five years old..... and both of you still believe in genies?"


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## Johan (May 2, 2007)

a Guy And A Girl Meet At A Bar. They Get Along So Well That They Decide 
To Go To The Girl's Place.

A Few Drinks Later, The Guy Takes Off His Shirt And Then Washes His 
Hands. He Then Takes Off His Trousers And Washes His Hands Again.

The Girl Has Been Watching Him And Says, "you Must Be A Dentist."

The Guy, Surprised, Says, "yes, How Did You Figure That Out?"

"easy", She Replied, "you Keep Washing Your Hands."

One Thing Led To Another, And They Make Love. After They Are Done, The 
Girl Says, "you Must Be A Good Dentist."

The Guy, Now With A Boosted Ego, Says, "sure, I Am A Good Dentist. How 
Did You Figure That Out?"

The Girl Replies... ........................

" Didn't Feel A Thing."


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## AnteUp (May 2, 2007)

LOL @ Hsut and Rohan. Both great.


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## crazywhiteboy (May 2, 2007)

Heres a joke, Is it ok for me to jump in here?!


The Smiths and the Baby Photographer...

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father
was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat" After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get
a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
um...
equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big to be held in the hand very long." 

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Crazywhiteboys Girlfriend of course!

Jess


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## Hoppa1874 (May 3, 2007)

just a small one.. wot do u call a mushroom wif a 12 inch stork



















a fungi to go out wif...


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## Johan (May 3, 2007)

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest wimp. 

"My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath 
our bed." 

The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that when 
my mother works nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door."


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## Glimmerman (May 3, 2007)

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. 

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of Nature had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied. 

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. 

"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. 

"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. 

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,

"No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." 

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that p00ft3r **** in our garden" she said.


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## chloethepython (May 3, 2007)

i love the photographer one pmsl


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## Johan (May 3, 2007)

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed 
and ties him to a chair.
While tying the home owner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top 
of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:......
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably 
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw 
how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't 
complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much 
he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets 
angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in 
my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any 
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you, too.


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## WombleHerp (May 3, 2007)

soooo funni  all of them lol


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

Widdle Wabbit......

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me, do you have
any widdle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on
her level, and says;
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or
one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees,leans forward and whispers ... " I don't weally fink my pet pyfon
really gives a phuk."


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked
you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60,
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly
dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife
and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar
detector went off when it did." As the officer makes out the second
ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife
and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your
mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it
off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my
back pocket"

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your
seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always
talk to you this way, ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking"


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

I told me mum about this and she got angry with me. I don't understand.




I went to the shop the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Carn mate, how about cutting me some slack?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres!

So I called him a piece of horse ****. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there
were 3 finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the

men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter

what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife

sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

"The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife"

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.

Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the

gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man

came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same

instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,

banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and

there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said.

"I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil

Don't mess with them !!!!!!!!


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!,between the legs of me wife!" 

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" 
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. 

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the 
street corner. 

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the
other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You 
know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him
come."


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

Two guys from Melbourne are quietly sitting in a boat at Lake Bolac,
Victoria fishing and tubeing down a VB when suddenly Dick says, "I think
I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2
months."

Bill takes a sip out of his stubby and says, "You better think it over
mate women like that are hard to find."


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

A blonde goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks her sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day. We aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and deliver a basket of goodies to Grandmother when her mother stopped her, saying "Little Red, you had better be careful in the woods because the Big Bad Wolf is out today. If he catches you, he is going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and **** your little red socks off."

"Oh I'll be all right," Little Red answered as she pulled out a rather large shotgun from the basket she was carrying. Assured that her daughter would be safe, she allowed Little Red to leave the house and begin the journey to Grandmother's house.

Along the trail in the woods Little Red came across her friends the three little pigs (don't ask what they are doing in the woods, after all it is just a joke)

"Little Red, Little Red," they called to her, "you had better be careful because the Big Bad Wolf is in the woods today. He said that if he catches you, he is going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and **** your little red socks off."

After showing them the shotgun and assuring her friends that she would be all right, Little Red continued her journey to Grandmother's.

Just then the Big Bad Wolf appeared and he said, "Little Red at last I found you. You know what's going to happen now, right? I am going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and **** your little red socks off."

"I don't think so..." Little Red replied as she leveled the shotgun at the wolf. She then lifted up her little red dress, and pulled down her little red panties and said, "you're going to eat me just like the book says...."


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every
morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was
making her sick. He told her he couldn' t.stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued
to rip them out. Then one thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the
turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the
innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious
thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her
husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling the bed covers back, she
pulled back the elastic waistband of his unerpants and emptied the bowl
of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband
waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling
scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bath room.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torure she reckoned she had
got him back pretty good..

About twenty minutes later, her husband came dowstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "honey you were right." "all these years you have warned me and
i didn't listen to you".

"what do you mean?" asked his wife.

"well, you always told me that one day i would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened." but by the grace of god, some
vaseline and two fingers. I think i got most of them back in."</SPAN>


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

Blonde's year in review 
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. 

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!! 

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months....box said "2-4 years!" 

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!! 

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! 

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope. 

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! 

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because the top was open. 

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it?? 

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel. 

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!! 

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking
company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the
lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer
the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after
the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop
sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a
Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning
so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal
condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.


Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me,and said, "How are you feeling?"


"Now what the F-ck would you say?


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

At the end of the financial year the Tax Office sent an inspector to
audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I
notice you buy a lot of candles; what do you do with the candle
drippings?

"Good question," said the Rabbi "We save them up & send them back to the
candle makers, & every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious
manner.

"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now
and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover
foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick".


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

Management Lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office.....but she belonged
to someone else...One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me make love to
you....but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. She thought for a
moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she
called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says "ask him
for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to
get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45
minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......

She said "The ******* used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety
before agreeing to it and getting screwed.


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although
very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with
his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back.

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a
beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the
refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...
they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that he was getting chills just
holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the
bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took
out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, sushi and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ****! SIT YOUR ASS
DOWN, SHUT THE **** UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR
HORS D'OEUVRES, BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT CRAP IS OVER, GOT IT, DIP****?"

And, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.

He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest,meanest, biker in the face and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked... Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word! His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, best I ever had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table, one more time, and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, . . . Your grandma liked it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders and looks him square in the eyes and says . . . . . .

"Grandpa. . . . . . . . Go Home, You're drunk!"


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not
in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of
Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army
is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick
smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first,
because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz
all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya
uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!
Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and
even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum
stew like wot Mum makes. Youdon't get fed again until noon and by
that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' -
geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting
medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum
and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our
big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya
gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of
piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya
don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz
they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori
and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the
platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers -
he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya
know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet,but I foughthim till the
other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets
around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

This morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a
WOMAN! in a brand new Ford Territory doing 100k, with her face up
against the rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner!!


I looked away for a couple seconds, and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup.


As a man, I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the McMuffin out of my other hand.


In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone, which fell away from my ear into my coffee which was between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my pants and and disconnected an important call.


Bloody women drivers!!!!


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

Why I fired my Secretary.

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t' feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say ‘Happy Birthday!’

And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’
I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.

My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ‘Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!’

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’

I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go!’

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She
chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two
martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, it's such a
beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?"

I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's
drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, "Boss, if
you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment.
I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and
dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday".

And I just sat there...

On the couch...

Naked.


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

in the spirit of easter:
A guy who's driving down the road hits the easter bunny. He gets out of his car and attends to the accident. He realises that the bunny's dead - and that there's a possibility that easter wont be happening this year. He starts sobbing because he cant figure out to do. A lady who's driving by notices the man sobbing. She pulls over and asks him "what's wrong?" He replies, "I think I've deprived the easter experience for 100's of children this year".

She goes to him, I think I've got a solution to your problem. She walks back to her car and pulls out a spray can. She empties and soaks the content of this can on the rabbit. A few seconds later, the bunny miraculously wakes up, picks his basket of eggs - waves to the couple and starts hopping down the road. 50 metres down the road, he turns around and waves to them once more - and ever 50 metres after that.

The man stands there flabergastered. He asks 'what the hell is in that can?'. She goes "its hair spray: it brings life to dead hairs. Permanent waves"


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## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

THE LOVE DRESS 


A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. 

She knocked on the door then immediately walked 
in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the couch, totally 
naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. 

What are you doing?" she asked. I'm waiting for Michael to come home from 
work." 
The daughter-in-law answered. 

But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. 
'This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. 
Love dress? But you're naked!" 

Michael loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. 
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly 
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours. He can't get enough of me". 

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on 
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the 
couch waiting for her husband to arrive. 

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so 
provocatively. 

What are you doing?" he asked. 

This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. 

Needs ironing," he said, "What's for dinner?".


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

The Parrot 

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a 
beautiful African Grey parrot. 

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it's an absolute steal at 
only $20." 

"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks. 

"Well", replies the assistant, "It used to live in a brothel and as a result 
its language is a touch fruity". 

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, 

"I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So 
saying,she buys the parrot and takes him home. 

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the 
woman. "F.... me, a new brothel and a new madam". 

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel," scolds the woman trying not to 
laugh. 

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home. 

"Un f...king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new 
prostitutes," says 
the parrot when he sees the daughters. 

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the 
girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet. 

A short while later, the woman's husband, Dave, comes home. 

"In-******ing-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the 
same old clients.... How ya doin', Dave?"


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

Reasons not to flirt:

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked," Did you dance much?" He replied, I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

" You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life".


----------



## militant_vixen (May 3, 2007)

A normal 30 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks,

"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island.

I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he said. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?"

She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"You mean...", and he swallows excitedly and tears start to
form in his eyes..............................
..............
..................................
..........................
.................."Don't tell me you've got Sky Sports"


----------



## -=Surflifesaver=- (May 3, 2007)

NEWS JUST IN!

The west coast Eagles have just got a new BIG TIME sponsor "Hungry JACKS", Now Hungry Jacks have made new meals to go with their new team some of the meals included were

A Beau Waters meals for the Kiddies which was a junior whopper, small fires , and a small coke

A Ashely Hansen meal which included a Double whopper with bacon, large fries, extra large
coke.

and there last new meal was a Ben Cousins meal which had no burger, no fries, just.......... COKE AND ICE


----------



## eerin (May 3, 2007)

why did the chicken cross the road?

firstly who know's
secondly it didnt make it


----------



## DiamondAsh (May 3, 2007)

*A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow
physicians, family members, and friends. A huge heart covered in flowers
stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.


At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral .I'm a gynecologist."*


----------



## DiamondAsh (May 3, 2007)

* A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.

He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer
from New York and is certain that he has a better education then any cop
from Houston. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the
deputy's expense.

"License and registration, please" asks the Deputy

"What for?" asks the lawyer.

"You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign" the Deputy
replies.

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."

"What's the difference?" asks the lawyer.

"The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that' s the law.
License and registration, please!" the Deputy replies.

The lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow
down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give
me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Deputy says, "sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating
the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop
or just slow down?"*


----------



## IsK67 (May 5, 2007)

How does the man on the moon get his hair cut?


Eclipse it!



IsK


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## slim6y (May 5, 2007)

::Walks up to IsK and shoots him::


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## IsK67 (May 5, 2007)

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. 

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." 

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. 

A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. 

The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." 

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. 

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" 


And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."


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## Jungletrans (May 5, 2007)

A drunk was riding home on his bicycle when he ran into a parked Mercedes . As a crowd gathered he took out a pen and paper and left a note on the windscreen . It read ; l have just run into your car , the people watching think l am leaving my name and address . the fools .


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## Jungletrans (May 5, 2007)

Power toilet bowl cleaning ; Pour half cup of pet shampoo into toilet , casualy stroking cat make your way into toilet and drop cat into bowl . Important ; shut lid and sit on to avoid malfunction , prewash should take 2mins , when silent it is time for power wash , half flush should do but for bad stains or big moggy use full . When ready for rinse cycle use full flush . Now for air drying , make sure there is a clear path to outside for the cat , stand back and open lid . Not recomended for chemical or pan toilets .


----------



## angua21 (May 5, 2007)

A man in a bar declares that he has a pet octopus who can play ANY instrument given to him, and that he will give $1000 to anyone who can stump him.
He sits the octopus on the bar ans asks for challengers. Noone else seems keen, so a guy with a guitar steps up. the octopus takes the guitar, turns it over a few times, then plays the most incredible solo anyone in the bar has ever heard.
this encourages a few more people to find an instrument to show to the octopus. over the next hour, he plays violins, flutes, harmonicas, and even the pub piano.
At this point, the quiet Scotsman in the corner stands up, walks over, and shows a set of bagpipes to the octopus. The octopus turns the bagpipes over one way, then another, looking quite obviously confused. "HAH!" says the scotsman, "He can't play it!! wheres my $1000?!"
the octopus stops, looks up, and glares at the scotsman. 
"Play it be buggered, as soon as I work out how to get its Pyjamas off, I am going to make love to it!!"


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## IsK67 (May 5, 2007)

Jungletrans said:


> Power toilet bowl cleaning ; Pour half cup of pet shampoo into toilet , casualy stroking cat make your way into toilet and drop cat into bowl . Important ; shut lid and sit on to avoid malfunction , prewash should take 2mins , when silent it is time for power wash , half flush should do but for bad stains or big moggy use full . When ready for rinse cycle use full flush . Now for air drying , make sure there is a clear path to outside for the cat , stand back and open lid . Not recomended for chemical or pan toilets .



I just fell off my chair after spurt coffee all over my monitor.

Thank you very much.


IsK


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## IsK67 (May 7, 2007)

A young man called Ron, wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long, and she lived a considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister, and decided after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic, and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods Ladies Department, and they selected a pair of dainty, fur-lined quality leather gloves.

His sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift-wrap offer, but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves, and Ron got the knickers.

Good old Ron sent off his gift-wrapped present in a parcel, with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these, because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it hadn't been for my sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones, and says that they are much easier to remove.

These are a very delicate shade, and I chose them because the lady I bought them from, showed me a similar pair, which she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and she looked really smart in them, even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring, which helps keep it clean. In fact, she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I could be there to put them on for you, the very first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow into them a little bit because they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine, how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Ron.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.


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## MoreliaMatt (May 7, 2007)

hehehe good one isk!


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## mines bigger (May 7, 2007)

that is the best joke i have read in a while, i said read because i have heard better LOL


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## stringbean (May 7, 2007)

a man walks into a bar


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## stringbean (May 7, 2007)

lol sorry had to be said


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## Serpant_Lady (May 7, 2007)

A boy goes into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a piece of string and demands a hooker with cooties. The lady says he is too young so the boy goes away and comes back with a bag of money and again demands a hooker ith cooties. The lady sighs and says "Go up the stairs and the door at the end of the right passage has a hooker with cooties"

So the boy goes up and has his way with the hooker. When he comes back do everyone wants to know why he wanted a hooker with cooties. The boy says "Coz when I go home I am going to sleep with the babysitter, who will sleep with my dad, who will sleep with my mum, who will sleep with the milkman who ran over my damn frog!"


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## Johan (May 9, 2007)

Just had to share this one...

Plane Trouble 
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. 
The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat. 
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. 
The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat. 
The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. 
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! 
Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?" The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." 
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" 

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper"


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## IsK67 (May 9, 2007)

*Exercise for mature adults*

Exercise for mature adults

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5Kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10Kg potato sacks.

Then try 50Kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100Kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks!


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## Johan (May 9, 2007)

How News Headlines in India are made:
A man sees a woman getting chased by a dog. When the dog is about to bite the woman, the man intervenes and kicks the dog.
A reporter was seeing all this.
He said "That was great. I'll definitely publish this in newspaper. Tomorrow the headline
will be 'LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM A DOG'."
The man replied "Thank you, but I'm not from here. I am from US".
Reporter " OK. Then the headline will be 'US CITIZEN SAVES WOMAN FROM A DOG'".
Man: Actually, I live in US but I'm not a US citizen. I'm a Pakistani national".
Next day, the headline in the paper read


....

....

....

_TERRORIST ATTACKS A LOCAL DOG


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## angua21 (May 11, 2007)

now this one is all in the telling, so I am not sure how it will come across in type, but here goes nothing...

A man is out on a walk with his pet monkey. as he wanders around the block, he starts tongueing for a beer, and as his favourite watering hole is just around the next corner, he decides to stop in for a quick drink.
as he walks through the door, the barmaid calls out to him "hey John, you know theres no pets allowed in here!" to which John replies, "aww, c'mon, you know me, and I swear he will be on his BEST behaviour! if he plays up, i will leave straight away.."
the barmaid looks at him for a little longer, then replies "just this once John, and if he so much as looks at me the wrong way, you're out!"
so John goes to the bar, and sits down for his beer. He gets about one third of the way through his schooner, when the monkey goes berserk! it runs over all the tables, screeches in peoples faces, throws things around, and finally, jumps onto the pool table and swallows the 8 ball!
well, the barmaid goes off! but John is already out the door with his monkey in tow....

A few months later, John is out walking with the monkey once again...he has the same craving for a beer, and thinks 'ahh, its been a while, she will have calmed down, maybe even forgotten about it by now, i will go in for a quick beer'
as soon as he sticks his head through the door, the barmaid shakes her head and says "no way!! after what that monkey put us through last time, he is not coming back in here!"
John begs her "oh come on, i have been training him, he is really well behaved now, hasnt put a foot wrong...i swear, he will be ok, and if he screws up this time, you can ban me for life..."
the barmaid thinks for a bit, then reluctantly agrees... "ok, but if he does ANYTHING wrong this time, you will never drink in this bar again!"
John is sure that he has the monkey under control, so he walks in and sits on his favourite stool. But before he has even touched his beer, the monkey starts again... screeching, running around, it tips the beer nuts out, then goes out the back... The barmaid screams at the monkey, comes out to face John and says "THAT IS DISGUSTING!! do you know what that HORRID little thing just did?!?!?! it went out the back, got into the jar of pickled onions, pulled one out, put it into its bum, then ATE IT!!
John looks apologetically at everyone in the bar..... "oh no, I'm really sorry about that" he says..
"Ever since the 8 ball incident, he measures everything BEFORE he eats it!"


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## meecrob (May 12, 2007)

A lady walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. 

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. 

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. 

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" 

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" 

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to ***** yourself when I tell you the price."


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## =bECS= (May 13, 2007)

heres one of my faves--------


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. 

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action. 

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. 

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a frim grip. 

She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. 
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. 

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, as her head is struck against the ground again and again. 

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when.................... 

The woolies manager comes to her rescue and unplugs the horse!


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## =bECS= (May 13, 2007)

and another -------- a long one but a good one!!!


An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" 

"Roll of chicken wire." 

"What you gonna do with that?" 

"Gonna catch some chickens." 

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" 

"Roll of duct tape." 

"What you gonna do with that?" 

"Gonna catch me some ducks." 

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!" 
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?" 

"It's a pu.ssy willow." 

the old man jumps up from his seat and says

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."


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## IsK67 (May 13, 2007)

True Love

An old couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling a sleep, but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.

She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said. "Then you use to bite my neck. "Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going ?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"


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## Jungletrans (May 13, 2007)

The young married couple were still very shy about sex . They had pet names for everything and called sex " washing machine " . One night the young man rolled over , cuddled his wife and wispered washing machine . She was tired and pretended to be asleep . She lay there thinking , this was no way to start a marriage so she rolled over and said washing machine . He replied ; its ok it was only a small load so l did it by hand .


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## Scleropages (May 13, 2007)

stringbean said:


> a man walks into a bar


 

GGRRR , no

A seal walks into a club


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## pythonlover (May 13, 2007)

hahahah trousa thats just wrong!


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## IsK67 (May 13, 2007)

Come on children keep it clean. Try using common sense and a little decency.

IsK


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## Scleropages (May 13, 2007)




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## DiamondAsh (May 13, 2007)

*
Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls for
the Melbourne market:



"South Yarra Barbie"
This princess Barbie is sold only in Toorak Road. She comes with an
assortment of Prada Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named
Honey and a designer kitchen. Available with or without tummy tuck and
face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented
version.

"Balwyn Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Wind star Minivan and
matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.

"Footscray Barbie "
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife,a
Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only
available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small,
untraceable bills) ...unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are
talking about.

"Armadale Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2..
Included are her own cappucino cup, credit card and country club membership.
Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You
won't be able to afford any of them.

"Altona Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small,
a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack
of Carlton Midstrengh and a Jimmy Barnes CD set. She can spit over 5 feet
and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup
truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.

" South Melbourne Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print outfit
and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription
available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

" Frankston Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled
sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased beer-gutted Ken out of
Butler Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans,
fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile
home.

" Brunswick Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks.
She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll,
but if you purchase two Point Breeze Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon,
you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.

" Broadmeadows Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories
include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available,
but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.

"Portsea Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's always
out playing golf or fishing.

"St Kilda Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on body parts.
*


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## =bECS= (May 13, 2007)

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. 
The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, so she decides to go up and investigate. 
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all have white knuckles. 
The brunette asks, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" 
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"


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## =bECS= (May 13, 2007)

Learn To Speak Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding 

See me A.S.A.P. - Kum Hia Nao 

Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni 

Your price is too high - No Bai Dam Thing 

Did you go to the beach - Wai Yu So Tan 

I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni 

I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat 

It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim? 

Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting? 

I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching? 

This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King 

You are not very bright - Yu So Dum 

I got this for free - Ai No Pei 

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum 

Stay out of sight - Lei Lo 

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka 

Does this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung?


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## IsK67 (Jun 16, 2007)

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.

One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he said to the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."


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## IsK67 (Jun 17, 2007)

*Two little kids are in a hospital*

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots
of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I
was born. Couldn't walk for a year."


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## Vixen (Jun 17, 2007)

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse
full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions, an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, 

"Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining 
his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself
that there was no way he could lose the bet.

 The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved , you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"


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## Vixen (Jun 17, 2007)

Three soldiers had just been released from the Army. To celebrate, they decided to take a helicopter ride around the town. 

The first soldier was eating a banana. "Hmmm...I wonder....if we throw this peel out the helicopter, will we see it land?" The other 2 soldiers shrugged and said go ahead and throw it out. They watched with anticipation, but they didn't see it land. 

The second soldier had a rock. He threw it out the helicopter and said, "This is bigger than the peel. We oughta be able to see this land." The soldiers all watched again, but nothing happened. 

The third soldier pulled out a grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it. "Now we'll see THIS land." The soldiers watched again...nothing happened. 

After the ride the soldiers were walking home. They saw a little girl crying on the sidewalk. "What's wrong?" the soldiers asked. 

"Well," said the girl, "I was just walking along and slipped on a banana peel that came our from no where." 

The soldiers explained what had happened on the helicopter and carried the little girl home. As they were walking along once more they saw a little boy crying on the side of the road. 

"What's the matter, Son?" 

"Well," said the little boy, "I was just walking along when a rock hit me on the head." 

The soldiers again told their story and helped the little boy home. 

"I wonder what happened with the grenade," said one soldier. 

"Me too," said another, so the soldiers went running down the road where they saw an old woman laughing hysterically. 

"Ma'am...what's so funny?" 

The old woman between giggles said, "Well, I farted and my house blew up."


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## ashman07 (Jun 17, 2007)

Only read if you are not easily offended

A lady is in hospital who has just given birth when the nurse comes up and says, i have some good news and some bad news. Whats the bad news replies the mother. The nurse says unfortuantly your baby was born with red hair. And whats the good news she asks.
Your babys dead.


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## IsK67 (Jan 23, 2008)

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

What?" said his grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"


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## IsK67 (Jan 24, 2008)

[SIZE=-1]A man and his wife entered a dentist's office.

The wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm late for an appointment with my hairdresser. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

"You're a brave woman," said the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband: "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."[/SIZE]


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## IsK67 (Jan 25, 2008)

*Definition OF BRAVERY*

[SIZE=-1]Bravery is arriving home late after a boys night out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask ... "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"[/SIZE]


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## Duke_jensen (Jan 25, 2008)

Heres one, I'm surprised it hasn't been done, cause it's been around for a while and sort of relates to this site.

you have to read this with a stoner acsent

There's this goanna walking through the bush when he looks up and see's this koala up the tree, he calls out hey koala what you doing up that tree, the koala replies hey duuude just smokin this really goooooooood joint, climb up here and join me. The goanna climbs up the tree and starts smoking the joint with the koala after a while the goanna says dude I'm traaaassssshhhhed this is some gooooood weeeeed, I'm going down to the stream to get a drink. 
The goanna gets down to the stream leans in for a drink and is that smashed he falls in the stream, a near by croc see's him fall in swims over and save's him and puts him back on the shore. The goanna says to the croc thanks duuuuude you saved me, I was smoking this really gooooooooood weeeeeeeeeed with this koala up a tree over there and I got that smashed I fell in.
The croc goes over to get him self some of this gooood weeeed, he looks up at the koala and says hey koala give me some weed. 
The koala looks down rubbs his eyes and says duuuuuuuuude how much water did you drink?


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## IsK67 (Jan 26, 2008)

[SIZE=-1]When in New York, Kevin Rudd would always visit his favourite strip joint. (He said it helped him forget things.) 

But, every time he walked in, one of the girls would call out "Two hundred bucks, and I'm yours!"

"Five bucks!" Rudd would fire back, just to shut her up.

Over the years this exchange between him and the same girl became a bit of a ritual. She'd yell "Two hundred bucks!" and he'd fire back "Five bucks!"

Then, on one recent visit to New York, Julia Gillard accompanied Rudd to his favourite strip joint. As they approached the place, Rudd braced himself for "the usual offer". Julia would obviously wonder what it was all about. He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for her.

As he and Julia walked in, Rudd tried very hard to avoid the dancer's eyes.

But as they entered, the girl yelled out.

Only this time she yelled:

"See! That's what you get for five bucks!"

[/SIZE]


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## Riley (Jan 27, 2008)

eerin said:


> why did the chicken cross the road?
> 
> firstly who know's
> secondly it didnt make it


 


why'd the turtle cross the road

to get to the Shell *®*


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## Riley (Jan 27, 2008)

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working 
together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. 
"I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie. 
The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be 
forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming. 
Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans, British or Australians can come into our 
precious state." 
POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries. 
The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." 
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." 
The Aussie engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with 
water".........


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## bredli84 (Jan 27, 2008)

an old woman walks into a doctors office for a check up.
at the end of the appointment, the doctor asks if there is anything else?
the old lady replies, "yes doctor, i have been passing wind a lot lately, but it is silent and dosn't smell. in fact i have done so five times since i have been in your office and u didn't even react!"
"Really?" says the doctor rummaging through his medicine cabinet, "i want u to take these pills twice a day for the next week, then come back to see me on friday."
so the old lady takes the pill bottle and heads off home.
a week passes and the lady is back in the doctors office again. "Doctor, i dont know what u put in those pills, but now when i pass wind it REALLY stinks! but it is still silent"
"GOOD!" says the doctor, "We have fixed your sinuses, now lets see what we can do about your hearing!".


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## cement (Jan 27, 2008)

A Bronze whaler goes into a human shop and checks out the price of man and chips.
He sees that an Aussie burger with chips is 10 bucks and thinks thats reasonable.
He sees that an American and salad is 15 bucks and thinks thats a bit steep.
He then sees that a pom and fries is 25 bucks and thinks that is ridiculous.
So he asks the octupus behind the counter why the Poms are so expensive, there plentiful and easy to catch, what gives?
The octopus replies " mate, have you ever tried cleaning one?"


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## DragonKeeper (Jan 27, 2008)

An Australian, a Canadian and a Mexican are going on a mystery plane ride.

The Australian sticks his had out of the window and says "I know where we are, we are in Australia"

"How?" The other two asked.

"My hand is hot" said the Australian.

The Canadian sticks his had out of the window and says "I know where we are, we are in Canada"

"How?" The other two asked.

"My hand is cold" said the Canadian.

The Mexican sticks his had out of the window and says "I know where we are, we are in Mexico"

"How?" The other two asked.

"My watch is gone" said the Mexican.

------------------------------------------------------------------

A Mexican rode his bike into America when a security guard asked him to empty his backpack, he did but it was empty.

The Guard was sure the Mexican was smuggling something.

The next day he came on his bike again, his backpack was empty again, he did a strip search but found nothing.

This happened for 2 more weeks when the guard finally asked him what he was smuggling, the Mexican answered:

"Bicycles"


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## DragonKeeper (Jan 27, 2008)

ashman07 said:


> Only read if you are not easily offended
> 
> A lady is in hospital who has just given birth when the nurse comes up and says, i have some good news and some bad news. Whats the bad news replies the mother. The nurse says unfortuantly your baby was born with red hair. And whats the good news she asks.
> Your babys dead.



*PUREGOLD!*


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## jenjen (Jan 27, 2008)

Why you should never take your husband shopping with you.Letter: Mrs. Fenton, Our store is considering banning you family unless your husband stops hisantics. Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras. MEMO Re: Mr Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has donewhile his spouse/partner is shopping: 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's cartswhen they weren't looking. 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minuteintervals. 3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms. 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code3' in house wares..... and watched what happened. 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's onlay-buy. 6. September 14: Moved a 'Caution - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told othershoppers he'd invite the in if they'll bring pillows from the beddingdepartment. 8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cryand asks Why can't you people just leave me alone? 9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it a mirror, andpicked his nose. 10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked theclerk if he knows where the antidepressants are. 11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the"Mission Impossible" theme. 12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna Look" usingdifferent size funnels. 13. December 18: Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumesthe foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!!!" (And; last, but not least!) 15. December 23: Went in the fitting room, shut the door and waited a while;then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!


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## jenjen (Jan 27, 2008)

The Gym...one woman's story.... WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE WOMANS STORY If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong withyou. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regularworkout routine. Dear Diary. For my 50th birthday this year, my husband (the dear) purchased a week ofpersonal training at the local health club for me. AlthoughI am still ingreat shape since playing on my college tennis team 30 years ago, I decidedit would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer namedJoe, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and modelfor athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with myenthusiasm to get started!The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chartmy progress. MONDAY Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Joe waiting for me.He is something of a Greek god - with blonde hair,dancing eyes and adazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Joe gave me a tour and showed me themachines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He wasalarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next tohim in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way inwhich he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Veryinspiring! Joey was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all though my gut wasalready aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This isgoing to be a FANTASTIC week-!! TUESDAY I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.Joemade me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -- then heput weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but Imade the full mile. Joey's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feelGREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me. WEDNESDAY The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on thecounter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have ahernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steeror stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.Joe was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other clubmembers. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and whenhe scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurtwhen I got on the treadmill, so Joe put me on the stair monster. Why thehell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity renderedobsolete by elevators? Joe told me it would help me get in shape and enjoylife. He said some other **** too. THURSDAY Joe was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a halfan hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.Joe took me to work outwith dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the ladies room.He sent Muffy to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowingmachine -- which I sank. FRIDAY I hate that dick, Joe, more than any human being has ever hated any otherhuman being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,anaemic littlecheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearablepain, I would beat him with it. Joe wanted me to work on my triceps. Idon't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don'thand me the f---ing barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choirdirector? SATURDAY Joe left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voicewondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want tosmash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to evenuse the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of theWeather Channel. SUNDAY I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go andthank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year myhusband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or ahysterectomy.


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## DragonKeeper (Jan 27, 2008)

Adult jokes aren't allowed right?

Because I have this awesome lymeric book...


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## IsK67 (Jan 27, 2008)

A truck load of Eastern long necks collided with a van load of Krefts.

It was a turtle disaster.


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## ace#74 (Jan 27, 2008)

dunno if these have been said yet cuz i havent read the whole thread 

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches. 

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down".


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## ace#74 (Jan 27, 2008)

Once upon a time there was a blonde with long hair, blue eyes, she was sick of all the blonde jokes. 

One day, she decided to get a make over, so she cut and dyed her hair. 

She also went out and bought a new convertible. 

She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. 

She stopped and called the sheepherder over. 

"That's a nice flock of sheep.", she said. 

"Well thank you.", said the herder. "Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.", said the woman. 

"Okay.", replied the herder. 

"If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?", asked the woman. "Sure.", said the sheepherder. 

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied, "382". 

"Wow.", said the herder. "That is exactly right. 

Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home." 

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. 

Upon watching this, the herder approached the woman and offered, "Okay, now I have a proposition for you". 

"What is it?", queried the woman. 

"If I can guess the real color of your hair... can I have my dog back?"


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## ace#74 (Jan 27, 2008)

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. 
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" 
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. 
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. 
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." 
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."


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## ace#74 (Jan 27, 2008)

Blonde in Shower All Day Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day? 
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat"


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## ace#74 (Jan 27, 2008)

thats it for me 

sorrry to all the blonds out there lol


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## IsK67 (Jan 27, 2008)

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue"?

I said "No, just a watch."


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## IsK67 (Jan 28, 2008)

A pair of birds were sitting on a branch of a tree when they see a turtle run past them, jump off the branch and flap his arms as hard as he can. 

He falls to the ground. The poor turtle repeats this process numerous times, and then one bird says to the other "dear, do you think we should tell him he's adopted?"


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## IsK67 (Feb 7, 2008)

[SIZE=-1]A bus, filled with politicians [/SIZE][SIZE=-1]on the campaign trail, [/SIZE][SIZE=-1]was driving through the countryside one day. 

The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. A farmer living nearby hears the horrible crash and rushes out to discover the wreckage. Finding the politicians, he buries them.

The next day, the police come to the farm to question the man. "So you buried all the politicians?" asked the police officer. 

"Yes" answered the farmer.

"Were they all dead?" asked the policeman.

The farmer answered, "Some said they weren't, but you know how politicians lie."[/SIZE]


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## Spilota (Feb 8, 2008)

:?
Why snakes don't play twister.


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## MoreliaMatt (Feb 8, 2008)

what did the constipated mathematician do?

worked it out with a pencil


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## thals (Feb 8, 2008)

:lol: funny jokes ppls! STill like the one with the blonde n the cornflakes, classic


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## PigFeet (Feb 8, 2008)

a man goes to the dentist and the dentist says "take a seat, what can i do for you?"
The man says " nothing, i think im a moth!"
The dentist says "what are you doing hear then?"
He replys "i saw the light on!!!"


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## GSXR_Boy (Feb 8, 2008)

A man goes to the doctor with a steering wheel down his pants.
The doc say "Do you want me to help you with that?"
"The man says yes,it's driving me nuts!"


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## Fuscus (Feb 8, 2008)

And in latest news, an AFL footballer has just tested positive for capsicum!


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## Snakeaholic (Mar 6, 2008)

bump

i feel like some more jokes - there was no point in me making a new thread when there are alredy heaps of joke threads on aps.

PS. sorry, im all out of jokes (that i can remember)


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## Snakeaholic (Mar 6, 2008)

*The Jewish Samurai*

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!? said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"


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## Dodie (Mar 6, 2008)

Vincent Van Gough walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "Can I get you a beer"?

Vincent replies "No thanks, I've got one ere"





An old man is sitting on a bench in a mall. A young man with a mohawk with all the colours of the rainbow sits next to him. The old man starts starring at the young man's hair when he asks the old man "What's the matter old timer never done anything crazy in your life"?

The old man replies "Got drunk and effed a parrot once, just wondering if you are my son"


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## Snakeaholic (Mar 7, 2008)

bump


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## spilota_variegata (Apr 19, 2008)

A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a case of beer and sticks into the shopping cart. 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife 

'They're on sale, only $10.00 for 24 cans', he says 

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping... 

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $20.00 jar of face cream and sticks it into the cart. 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man, 

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says. 

The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF BEER AND THEY'RE HALF THE BLINKING PRICE'


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