# good old Kiwi jokes....



## redbellybite (Nov 26, 2008)

_An Australian _*ventriloquist visiting*_ New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his verandah patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the __Kiwi_ *

'G'day mate, mind if I talk to your dog?'*_ _*

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'*_ _*

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'* *

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'* *

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)*_ :shock:_*

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)**

Dog: 'Yep'* *

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'* *

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'* *

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)*_ :shock::shock::shock:_*

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'* *

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'*_ :|_*

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'* *

Horse: 'Cool'* *

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)*_ :?:?_*

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)* *

Horse: 'Yep'* *

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?* *

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, * 
*Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'* *

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)*_ _*

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'* *

Kiwi: (in a  panic) **'The sheep's a ********* liar……':evil::evil::evil:*


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## pinkmus (Nov 26, 2008)

ROFL !!!:lol::lol:


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## frogmancorey56 (Nov 26, 2008)

lollollol
10*lol


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## LullabyLizard (Nov 26, 2008)

Hahahaha :lol: :lol:


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## boxhead (Nov 26, 2008)

hahahahaha:lol::lol::lol:


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## Camo (Nov 26, 2008)

:lol:


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## mebebrian (Nov 26, 2008)

So next time you're enjoying your roast lamb, and the gravy starts to run down your chin.... Think of us Kiwi's.
:lol::lol:


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## redbellybite (Nov 26, 2008)

well you know Brian over here in OZ we shear our sheep but in NZ you guys dont "shear em" with anyone !    you know us Aussies love our brother kiwis xxxxxxxxxx


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## Vat69 (Nov 26, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> So next time you're enjoying your roast lamb, and the gravy starts to run down your chin.... Think of us Kiwi's.
> :lol::lol:



And this ^^ is why we need a *retch* emoticon.


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## itbites (Nov 26, 2008)

lmao


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## mebebrian (Nov 26, 2008)

How bout this one:

Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the Aliens watched on the bloke sang,





"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"


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## Jungletrans (Nov 26, 2008)

Biggest seller in NZ , velcro gloves .


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## DanTheMan (Nov 26, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> How bout this one:
> 
> Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
> 
> ...


 
HAHAHAHA!!! Thats a good one
I gotta remember that next time I get ****** about being a kiwi!


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## ryanharvey1993 (Nov 26, 2008)

lol they are heaps good, the second one sounds a bit fake though, I would be thinking it would still be singing the same thing with no brain


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## Dan19 (Nov 26, 2008)

http://www.aussiepythons.com/forum/chit-chat/vantriliquist-with-a-kiwi-86326


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## natrix (Nov 26, 2008)

What does a kiwi guy use as aftershave ?......................mint sauce .


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## Luke1 (Nov 26, 2008)

HAHAHAHAHA that goods! and clever!


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## zobo (Nov 26, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> How bout this one:
> 
> Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were watching this unusual dance.
> 
> ...



Hahaha,
funny but I heard the same joke but substitute the start for an Aboriginal playing the digerido and in the end the brainless person gets up and starts the "Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."
j


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## DanTheMan (Nov 26, 2008)

zobo said:


> Hahaha,
> funny but I heard the same joke but substitute the start for an Aboriginal playing the digerido and in the end the brainless person gets up and starts the "Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."
> j


 
I think every kiwi/aussie joke is like that lol


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## Reptile_Boy (Nov 26, 2008)

A aussie sheperd was in newzealand with his only sheep. they were walking down the strreet but sheep was frientend "BAAAAAAAAAA BAAAAAAA". then the sheperd noticed the the kiwis walking to wards the sheep then the sheperd said the the group of kiwis ...... BAAAAA means no


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## rockman (Nov 26, 2008)

What F--ks Kiwi's ? .....................................











School .LOL


Hi Rob & Dave


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## m.punja (Nov 26, 2008)

Kiwi farmer leaves for the day, tells his son to cut down a row of ten tree's he no longer wants running along the drive. When the farmer gets home all but two tree's are cut down.
"why?" asks the farmer
"sentimental value dad" says the son. "That's the tree where I lost my virginity."
"And the other tree?" asks the farmer.
"Thats where her mother was standing, kept telling her to leave but she just stood there and went 'baaa'


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## Chrisreptile (Nov 26, 2008)

Haha great jokes everyone 



natrix said:


> What does a kiwi guy use as aftershave ?......................mint sauce .


For some reason this one has eluded me 
Would anyone care to explain it?
I feel really dumb right now lol.


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## mebebrian (Nov 26, 2008)

Lol, cause mint sauce goes well with lamb Chrisreptile

This one made me giggle

Eminem's tour of Austrailia is to go ahead despite concerns over a sickening attitude to women, appallingly obscene language, an irresponsible attitude to sex and violence, and, of course, the booze.

Eminem said that, despite these shocking traits, he would wait and "judge the Aussie's for himself."


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## Chrisreptile (Nov 26, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> Lol, cause mint sauce goes well with lamb Chrisreptile



Haha thanks brian


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## mebebrian (Nov 26, 2008)

And the accidental aussie...
An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"


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## boxhead (Nov 26, 2008)

why don't Kiwis take there girlfriends to the football .
they keep jumping the fence to eat the grass .


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## mebebrian (Nov 26, 2008)

Jungletrans said:


> Biggest seller in NZ , velcro gloves .


 
Velcro gloves are for beginners, those in the know get em on the edge of a cliff. Cause then they push back harder!


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## boxhead (Nov 26, 2008)

Jungletrans said:


> Biggest seller in NZ , velcro gloves .


 Ithought it was gumboots


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## mebebrian (Nov 26, 2008)

A MAN has an interview for immigration into Australia. The interviewer says to him: "Do you have a police record?" "What?" replies the man. "Do you still need one to get in?"


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## Chrisreptile (Nov 26, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> Velcro gloves are for beginners, those in the know get em on the edge of a cliff. Cause then they push back harder!



Thats just plain weird :lol:


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## BlindSnake (Nov 26, 2008)

How do you make a ewe turn In N.Z?




Put some gumboots on...


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## Chrisreptile (Nov 27, 2008)

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?

The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks."

"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock."

"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"

The aussie bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."


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## mebebrian (Nov 27, 2008)

There's a Aussie, an Kiwi and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train. The train goes through a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap! The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Aussie is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap. He is thinking "That the Kiwi must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me." The lady is thinking, "That Aussie must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Kiwi instead and got slapped." The Kiwi is thinking to himself..."If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that bloody Aussie in the head again."


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## Chrisreptile (Nov 27, 2008)

A Kiwi walks into the local unemployment office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate being on welfare, I'd really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the Centrelink desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.

The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The Kiwi says, "You're -bull-pooping- me!"

The Centrelink officer says, "Yeah, well, you started it".




Q What is the difference between a Limousine and a sheep?

A Not all kiwis have been in a Limousine


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## mebebrian (Nov 27, 2008)

Lol, this thread is great! Its war people!!!!

An Australian school teacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is a All Blacks fan, and my dad is All Blacks fan, so I'm a All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."


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## Chrisreptile (Nov 27, 2008)

Q: What do you call 4 sheep tied to a lamppost?
A: A leisure center.

Q: Why do the horses run so fast in New Zealand?
A: Because they know what happened to the sheep!


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## mebebrian (Nov 27, 2008)

Carlos Spencer goes into the All Black changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum. "What's up?" he asks. 

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but we've just beaten Wales and South Africa in consecutive weeks and let's be honest it's only Australia. They're crap and we can't be bothered".

Carlos looks at them and says "Well, the way I've been playing recently,I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub." 

So Carlos goes out to play Australia by himself and the rest of the New Zealand team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the telly on. 

A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "New Zealand 7 - Australia 0 (Spencer - 10 minutes - Converted Try)".

He is beating Australia all by himself! Anyway, the telly goes off and a Few more pints later the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how Carlos got on". They put the telly back on.

"Result from the Stadium: New Zealand 7 (Spencer 10 minutes) - Australia 7(Sailor 79 minutes)". 

They can't believe it, Carlos has single handedly got a draw against Australia!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. 

"I've let you down, I've let you down." says Carlos. 

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Australia, all by yourself. And they Only scored at the very very end!" says the rest of the team. 

"No, No, I have" says Spencer, "I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes


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## DanTheMan (Nov 27, 2008)

Bahahaha!! Thats a goodie! Im loving these aussie jokes mebebrian! Keep em coming!


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## mebebrian (Nov 27, 2008)

Ok, here's a cracker!

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand fan are all in Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. 

The mere possession Of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible Crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death! 

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, They are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. 

By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day, their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. 

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: 
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." 

The South African was first in line, he thought for a while and Then said: 
"Please tie a pillow to my back." 

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain. 

The Australian was next up. After watching the South African's Horror he said smugly: 

"Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do). 

The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: 

"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Kiwi replied. In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me Not 20 lashes but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you Are also very brave". 
The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish"? 

"Tie the Australian to my back."


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## Ristof (Nov 27, 2008)

this is great - making the day at work a lot better
Keep it up


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## Freemason2250 (Nov 27, 2008)

There were 3 men on a ship which was quickly sinking, There was An Aussie,A kiwi and an American.........
One of the men yells "Throw anything that is too abundant in your country overboard"

-The american picks up cases of burgers and throws them over
-The kiwi picks up a flock of sheep and throws them over
-The aussie picks up the Kiwi and says "We have way too many of these bastards in Australia"

I just stole these from Google:

Q: What do kiwi's & sperm have in common?
A: Only one in every 50,000 that comes out works!

A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "He doesn't look very vicious to me."
"Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up."
"Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his ****?"
The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth."

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, 'Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?
The big guy replies, 'Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks." 
"The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock." 
"Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?"
The first bloke says, "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."

Q: How do you know when you have arrived in New Zealand?
A: All the livestock magazines are wrapped in plastic


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## redbellybite (Nov 27, 2008)

love the last joke lmao..........ok got the old KIWI jokes now....
Q: how do you tell if a kiwi has been in your house?
A: there is a wet spot in your ugh boots and a love bite on your lamb roast....

Q:Whats a HINDO?
A:lays iggs.......

Q:how do you 'spell' SHEEP in NZ?
A:stop the kiwis from [email protected]#$ing them for about 6 weeks....


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## mebebrian (Nov 27, 2008)

Have you heard?
There's a Japanese firm that has developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually catch an Aussie with his mouth shut.





What's the difference between Aussies and pigs?

_Pigs don't turn into Aussies when they drink..._


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## mebebrian (Nov 27, 2008)

Just found this, its golden!

1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.
4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.
5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.
6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.
7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.
8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.
9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".
10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".
11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.
12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."
13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.
14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".
15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.
16. *You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.*
17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.
18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".
19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread. (Mmm...Vegemite...)
20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.
21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course. Of course - you cannot eat a hamburger without beetroot!
22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.
23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.
24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".
25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.
26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.
27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.
28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.
29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.
30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose. 
31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".
32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.
33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.
34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".
35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".
36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.
37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.
38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.
39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.
40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second. 
41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".
43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.


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## mebebrian (Nov 27, 2008)

*You Know You're From New Zealand When...*
You know what to do in an Earthquake: get into the nearest doorway before any other bugger and say, "Nah, I don't reckon it's the big one this time. We'll be right."
You can hum the theme song to Coronation street.
You know what apples really taste like (and that there are more than four different kinds).
You know rugby league is not, and never will be, an international sport.
You're not sure about cricket, either. Or hockey. Or netball. Or swimming. Or the women's 400m. Or any other sport in which Australia are world champions. Yes, you're even having doubts about real rugby.
You know what happened to the lead singer of Push Push.
You're seen Split Enz, or former members thereof, performing live at least once.
You reckon anyone who carries on about how great they are is an up-themselves ****er. Or an Australian.
You wouldn't dream of wearing thongs on your feet. Thats what jandals are for.
The name "Chappell" still makes you queasy
You know someone who worked on _The Lord of the Rings_ or _Xena_.
You wish Fitzy, Zinzan and Josh were still playing for the ABs.
The dairy sells more than just stuff from cows.
You rolled Snifters, rather then Jaffas, down the aisle at the movies.
You know something's horribly wrong if you've been driving for more then 2 hours without the scenery changing.
You don't think twice about barefooting it to the supermarket
You can put up with the sound of rain on a metal roof.
You know you're a NZer when hokey pokey is an ice cream flavour, not just a dance.
When someone says, "an bring your toggs". You'd bring a towel too.
You have two adjustable wrenches in your toolbox and no shifters​


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## daniel1234 (Nov 28, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> Lol, this thread is great! Its war people!!!!
> .....


 
Mebebrian wins, a suicide comedian, and in the know

Very funny people.


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## carpetmuncher (Nov 28, 2008)

what's long and hard and *******s kiwis?

kindergarten


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## ryanharvey1993 (Nov 28, 2008)

isnt any australians gonna say some more, I dont know any, plus I cant be bothered looking for some!


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## mebebrian (Nov 28, 2008)

ryanharvey1993 said:


> isnt any australians gonna say some more, I dont know any, plus I cant be bothered looking for some!


 
Lol, common aussie problem..... cant be bothered.

Kiwis Win!


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## Ristof (Nov 28, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> Lol, common aussie problem..... cant be bothered.


 
True


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## Chrisreptile (Nov 28, 2008)

A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have 'intercourse' with when you have a headache."

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
"I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


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## paleoherp (Nov 28, 2008)

A Kiwi and a Tasmanian have neighboring properties and one day while they are out checking their boundary fence they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence

the next thing you know the Tasmanian starts having his way with the sheep and the Kiwi just looks at him

the Tasmanian Say's don't worry mate, your next 

the Kiwi Say's, I'm not worried but I don't think my head is going to fit through that fence.


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## Snakebuster (Nov 28, 2008)

Thats hilarious!!:lol::lol::lol:


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## DanTheMan (Nov 28, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> *You Know You're From New Zealand When...*
> You know what to do in an Earthquake: get into the nearest doorway before any other bugger and say, "Nah, I don't reckon it's the big one this time. We'll be right."
> You can hum the theme song to Coronation street.
> You know what apples really taste like (and that there are more than four different kinds).
> ...



Hahaha so true.
and man miss hokey pokey ice cream!


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## DanTheMan (Nov 28, 2008)

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. 

However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs. 

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance:"hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"


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## DanTheMan (Nov 28, 2008)

I should be posting more jokes against the aussies but I found this one pretty good.

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep. 

The Aussie is quite taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. 

He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!" 

The New Zealander looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody sharing this with no one!"


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## Oldbeard (Nov 28, 2008)

ryanharvey1993 said:


> isnt any australians gonna say some more, I dont know any, plus I cant be bothered looking for some!


 
Now thats unaustralian, cobber


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## waikare (Nov 28, 2008)

Why did the Aussie break his leg throwing a ball?
He forgot it was still chained to his foot


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## Trouble (Nov 28, 2008)

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussiesbuy only a single ticket between them.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi.

"Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie.

They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding. 

He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"!!!!!


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## Trouble (Nov 28, 2008)

here's another one. . . 

There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.

The train enters a tunnel and everything gets dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The woman and the Kiwi are sitting there looking perplexed. The Kiwi is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The *Kiwi *is thinking, "That Australian must have tried to kiss this lady, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The *lady* was thinking, "That Kiwi must have moved to kiss me and kissed the Australian instead and got slapped."

_*The Australian*_ was thinking to himself.... "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Kiwi in the head again."


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## mebebrian (Nov 28, 2008)

Darren Lockyer, the Pope, Kevin Rudd & a school boy were all on the same plane when the engine failed and started to plummet towards the Earth. They all realised that there was 4 of them & only 3 parachutes. Darren Lockyer got up & said I am a sporting superstar & must live so that I can please my fans & continue my career to beat the Kiwi's & the Poms in the tri- nations series. So he grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. Then Kevin Rudd got up and said I am the smartest Prime Minister Australia has ever have and I need to live to continue to govern the nation. Then the Pope said to the school boy & said I am old & have lived my life so you should take the last parachute. The school boy replied, no it's ok, the worlds smartest Prime Minister took my school bag so theres one for each of us!


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## DanTheMan (Nov 28, 2008)

Trouble said:


> here's another one. . .
> 
> There's a Kiwi rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a beautiful woman sitting next to each other on a train.
> 
> ...



nice try, I just saw that one except the other way around lol


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## mebebrian (Nov 28, 2008)

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "Bugger off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"


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## mebebrian (Nov 28, 2008)

C'mon you aussies, where's your fighting spirit?


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## GSXR_Boy (Nov 28, 2008)

How does a New Zealander find a sheep in long grass???


Delightful................


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## mebebrian (Nov 28, 2008)

Is that all you guy's have? Sheep jokes? C'mon fella's...



Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet, replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance".
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. 
"For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot." 
"Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people" God continued, pointing to different countries. "And over there, I call this place America. 
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?"
"Yes" said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah" said God. "That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them".
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, "You said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the buggers I'm putting next to them"


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## GSXR_Boy (Nov 28, 2008)

How do you know if a New Zealander has broken into your house??

Your thongs are missing and there is love bites on your lamb roast!


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## DanTheMan (Nov 28, 2008)

By thongs do you mean jandals?


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## mebebrian (Nov 28, 2008)

Two Aussie cattle drovers standing in an Outback bar. 
One asked, "What are you up to, Mate?" 
Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." 
"Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?" 
"Ah, probably the Missus; after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought."


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## GSXR_Boy (Nov 28, 2008)

Q.Why did the bird fly over New Zealand upside down ?

A.Because there is nothing worth crapping on.

Q.Why are there always clouds over New Zealand ?

A.God is trying to cover up his mistake.


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## GSXR_Boy (Nov 28, 2008)

DanTheMan said:


> By thongs do you mean jandals?


 
Yeah bro right near the shrimping gear and "chilli bin"


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## mebebrian (Nov 28, 2008)

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin. 
Steve falls off and is killed instantly. 
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." 
Kevin says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." 
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. 
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Kev?" 
"Steve's wife gave it to me," 
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" 
"Well not exactly," Kevin said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'. 
She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' 
And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."


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## ali_snake (Nov 28, 2008)

god thats an old one, but good to read it again LOL


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## mebebrian (Nov 28, 2008)

Dazza's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and he spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some [COLOR=green! important][COLOR=green! important]news[/COLOR][/COLOR] for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again!


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## mebebrian (Nov 28, 2008)

I was on the phone to a mate of mine the other day.
He's moved to Australia as part of his Job. 
So after a while there he got himself a big morgage and is having a big house built just outside woolloomaloo

Anyway I was on the phone and every five minutes I hear him scream "green side up boys"
It was odd and at first I ignored it, but eventualy I asked him if it couldn't wait till we were off the phone.
He apologised and said "I'm afraid I need to keep on top of the aussie tradesmen. They're laying my new turf"


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## daniel1234 (Nov 28, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> Lol, common aussie problem..... cant be bothered.
> 
> Kiwis Win!


PMSL--walked straight into that one
Actually I am PMSL so much I'm damn near swimming in it!:shock:


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## bruce34 (Nov 28, 2008)

Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem.
The Gorilla was on heat......

To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.

While reflecting on the problem, the Zoo management noticed Graham, a big Kiwi lad and former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery.
Graham, like most Kiwi's, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisify a female of any species...
So the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.

Graham was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Graham showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Graham announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"Fust" he said "I don't want to have to kuss er"
"Sicondly, you must niver tull anyone about thus"
The Zoo administrators quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Wull," said Graham "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.


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## mebebrian (Nov 28, 2008)

three Australian all decide they want to get into the guiness book of records.

The first is pottering around trying to see how he could do it when he notices he has really really small hands !! so he grabs the others and legs it to the GBOR offices he goes in on his own and comes out 10 mins later, "Ive done it, ive got the smallest hands in the world, im in the records.



The next day, the second Australian is wondering around trying to see how he can get into the book when he spots his feet are massive, size 17 !! **** me, this has to be a record, so he grabs the other 2 and they all leg it to the GBOR offices again, he goes in on his own and comes out 10 mins later, "Ive done it, ive got the biggest feet in the world, im in the records

The next day the third Australian is getting really worried now that he wont be able to come up with anything. then he remembers what all his girlfriends have told him and runs of to find the others, "lads, lads, I have the smallest penis in the world, so once again they all run off to the GBOR offices, he goes in on his own. the other two wait patiently outside, 10 mins, 15 mins, 25 mins then half an hour later he comes out the office in bits............. "Lads, Who the hell is K. Rudd???


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## Creed (Nov 28, 2008)

A kiwi, an american and an aussie are walking through the bush. As they wander they find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence, the rear end facing the trio.

The american says "I wish that was Angelina Jolie...........I'd give her a reason to wiggle."

The Aussie says "I wish it was Jennifer Hawkins.........I'd make her glad she was an aussie."

The kiwi says "I wish it was dark"


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## links (Nov 29, 2008)

*What do the Wallabies.Australian rugby league team and Catholic school boys* have in common,

They have all been stoinked by M*en in Black*


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## lilmissrazz (Nov 29, 2008)

An Aussie, a Kiwi and an African American in the hospital waiting room expecting to be proud fathers for the first time very soon.
Suddenly the door to the waiting room burst open and the doctor runs in!
"Congratulations Guys! You're all proud fathers of healthy baby boys and coincidentally they were all born with in seconds of each other!!" Say's the Doctor excitedly. "One problem tho... in the confusion of all these births we got a little confused and we're not sure who's baby is who's."
The Aussie is out of his seat as fast as you like and into the maternity ward, immediatly picking up the black baby, obviously the African Americans child, and starts to run out of the hospital.
"Wait, wait!!" Shouts the doctor. "That's definitly not your baby!!"
"I know!" yells the Aussie on the hoof out the front door.
"... But one of the other two baby's is a Kiwi and I'm not taking the chance!!!"


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## lilmissrazz (Nov 29, 2008)

An aussie and a kiwi sheep herder were flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground. Aussie: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump! Kiwi: What about the sheep?!? Aussie: **** the sheep!!!! Kiwi: (pause) Do you think we have time?


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## lilmissrazz (Nov 29, 2008)

What do you call a kiwi sheep dog?
A: A pimp.

Why do kiwis end up marrying women?
A: Sheep can't cook.


Bruce and Cobber are driving into town from the ranch and it's Bruce's first time driving on a tarred road.
A bit nervous at how Bruce will handle the narrower roads Cobber says, "Bruce, have you ever made a u-turn?"

Bruce replies: "No, but I once made a ram's eyes water."


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## redbellybite (Nov 29, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> Just found this, its golden!
> 
> 1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".
> 2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.
> ...


 AND THIS IS WHY YOU ALL NON AUSTRALIANS ENVY US AND COME OVER AND TRY AS YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF US ...WHY BECAUSE YOU KNOW WE RULE .....LMAO......dont deny it ,we aussies may seem like we dont give a crud ....TRUTH is we dont aim to please ..we dont need too, we are an ICON to the world :lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:


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## lilmissrazz (Nov 29, 2008)

Billy comes home from school and says to his dad, "Hey dad, we had a spelling test today and I got 9 out of 10. The other kids were lucky to get 6 right. Is that because I'm a Kiwi?" "Yes son, that's because you're a Kiwi." Dad replied.

The next day, Billy says to his mum. "Hey Mum, today we had a 'rithmetic test, and I got 19 out of 20 right, the other kids were lucky to get 14 right. Is that because I'm a Kiwi?" "Yes son, that's because you're a Kiwi." sh replied.

Next week, Billy comes home all excited. "Hey Dad, we had a swimming carnival at school today, and in the showers I noticed I've got hair on my balls. Is that because I'm a Kiwi?"

His Dad replied, "No son, it's because you're 18 years old."


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## PimmsPythons (Nov 29, 2008)

just a quick one...
why is it so hard to get a h#@djob in new zealand.
because all of the c#@ksuckers are over here.


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## slim6y (Nov 29, 2008)

A kiwi Lincoln Uni bloke (that's near, Chrisrchurch, which is in New Zealand) and his Australian friend were cruising down the long stretches of the South Island highways (that's also in New Zealand) in the kiwi blokes HQ. 

There's lush ground, beautiful paddocks and gorgeous country side. But all of a sudden the kiwi spies an odd site. He spies a sheep with its head stuck in the wire fence of its paddock. 

The kiwi bloke yanks on the anchors to the HQ and skids to a halt. He reverses up. Jumps out of the car, jumps over the fence and goes up to the struggling sheep. He looks around. He sees no one there. He drops his pants and gives the sheep a good one....

The Aussie bloke just looks over in amazement as the kiwi guy finishes and pulls up his pants and jumps over the fence and back into the car. 

The kiwi fella looks over at the Aussie bloke and says.....

"Aweee mate, I'm sorry, geez, I forgot about you. Would you like a go to?"

The Aussie blokes face lights up... He smiles and nods.

He jumps out of the car, jumps over the fence, he looks around to make sure no one is coming. He drops his pants... The the Aussie fella puts his head through the fence and yells out... "OK, I'm ready for ya!"


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## slim6y (Nov 29, 2008)

Two aussie blokes were standing on a deck of their station house as the sun began drifting down over the red plains of the desert. 

They both have beers and are admiring the landscape.

In front of them a dog begins to clean itself and starts licking its genitalia region.

One of the Aussie blokes says - Gee, I wished I could do that.

The other says - Maybe if you give him a bikkie he'l let ya.


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## m.punja (Nov 29, 2008)

Aussie, Yank and Kiwi working at the top of a sky scraper. Smoko time they sit on the edge and open their lunch.
"Not vegemite again! I swear, my wife has been making me vegemite sanga's for 20 odd years. If I get it again tomorrow, I'll jump off this f%^king building!" the Aussie says.
"Grr, I got Jam again! I'm with you Aussie bloke, my missus makes me f%^king jam sandwhiches every day, if I get it again tomorrow I'll jump too!" growls the Yank.
"Peanut butter, Peanut butter! I'm always getting peanut f%^king butter! I jump tomorrow too if I get peanut butter again!" screams the furious kiwi.
Next day they all get the same stuff and one by one they throw themselves off the building and fall to their death.
At the funeral's the widow's are talking
"Why? Why didn't I believe him when he said he didn't want vegemite. I've been making it for him for more then 20 years now," cries the aussie widow.
"Jam. Jam is what I thought he liked. I made him Jam every day because I thought he liked it. I wish I never ever made him any Jam sandwhiches now," sobs the yank widow.
"The silly man, what a stupid husband of mine. He's been making his own lunch for as long as I've known him, if he didn't like peanut butter why did he make it!"


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## redbellybite (Nov 29, 2008)

slimebo said:


> just a quick one...
> why is it so hard to get a h#@djob in new zealand.
> because all of the c#@ksuckers are over here.


 so are you saying your a c#@ksucker.....because your over here?:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:


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## m.punja (Nov 29, 2008)

An Aussie bloke is driving with a nun. As they drive he notices a bird on one side of the road and a little up on the other side is a Kiwi bloke hitch hiking. The guy swerves and hits the unsuspecting bird killing it.
"I'm so sorry nun, please forgive me I just had the urge."
"I'll forgive you," says the nun, "only if you get a little closer and let me get the kiwi with the door!"


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## m.punja (Nov 29, 2008)

A lady is traveling on the train up through west aus. Over night the trip takes a turn for the worse, it bounces, shakes, jumps for track to track throwing her around her cabin with the lights flashing. Then as sudden as it all started it is calm again and traveling nicely.
The next morning when the steward is walking along she asks him what went wrong.
"Never mind Ma'am, it was just some Kiwi's doing the Haka."
"What?" cries the astonished women. "On the tracks?"
"No Ma'am, but we still got 'em."


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## m.punja (Nov 29, 2008)

A Kiwi bloke decides for a change he'll travel up the simpson desert on a camel for his next holiday. Part way through the journey he notices that there is nothing around him and after days of fantising about daisy his pet ewe at home he jumps off and tries to give the camel a quickie. The camel is too high though so he builds a mound to get some height but before he can do it the camel steps forward and is out of reach. So he builds another mound of dirt and again the camel steps forward. This goes on and on until he comes across a well and the voice of a lady.
"Help me out of this well, please!" she is screaming.
The brave strong kiwi rushes over to the well and helps her out.
The lady is young, thin and beautiful. "Thankyou," she says. "For saving my life I'll do anything in the world for you."
"Anything?" asks the kiwi smiling happily.
"_Anything_," she replies.
"Then come and hold this bloody camel still will ya!"


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## mebebrian (Nov 29, 2008)

*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] family of rugby supporters headed out last Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. [/FONT]*
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*While in a sports shop, the son picked up an All Blacks rugby shirt and said to his sister: "I've decided to be an All Blacks supporter and I would like this for Christmas." *[/FONT]
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]His sister was outraged and promptly whacked him round the head, telling him to go talk to his mother. Off goes the little lad with the black rugby shirt in hand and finds his mother. [/FONT]*
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*"Mum?" *[/FONT]
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Yes son?" [/FONT]*
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I've decided I'm going to be an All Blacks supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". [/FONT]*
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The mother is outraged and promtly whacks him around the head, saying: "Go talk to your father". Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand and finds his father.[/FONT]*
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]*"Dad?" *[/FONT]
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Yes son?" [/FONT]*
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"I've decided I'm going to be an All Blacks supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". [/FONT]*
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says: "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" [/FONT]*
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]About half an hour later they're all back in the car, heading towards home. The father turns to his son and says: "Son, I hope you've learned something today." [/FONT]*
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The son says: "Yes Dad I have." [/FONT]*
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Good son, what is it?" [/FONT]*
*[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The son replies: "I've only been an All Blacks supporter for an hour and already I hate you Aussie bastards."[/FONT]*​


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## mebebrian (Nov 29, 2008)

Aussie Love 

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?" Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself." Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag but you're a real sport too." 

And drives off.


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## mebebrian (Nov 29, 2008)

True Blue


A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years 
of living in Shanghai . He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few 
days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and 
welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door. But, on his way up 
the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard 
chasing about 10 hens; not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he 
decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to 
try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks 
through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then 
drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to 
put the welcome on hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give 
it on last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a 
bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum. 
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and 
says: Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over 
to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard 
after hens. The next day you are urinating in a glass, and drinking it, and 
then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just 
about crap on you.? The Chinese man is very taken back and says: 
Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these 
Australian Customs. What do you mean mate? says the Aussie, Those 
aren't Australian customs. Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me 
replied the Chinese man. He say to become true Australian, I must learn 
chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-___.'


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## nutta (Nov 30, 2008)

how do you give a kiwi a small business?
give him a large one to start with.


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## Oldbeard (Dec 1, 2008)

I'm beached as bro!!!


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## redbellybite (Dec 1, 2008)

listen here all you ungrateful hakka dancing kiwi's YOUR NOT IN THE LAND OF CHILLY BINS AND JANDALS NOW .........


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## mebebrian (Dec 2, 2008)

Oldbeard said:


> I'm beached as bro!!!


 
Bahhahaha! Would you like a chup bro?




redbellybite said:


> listen here all you ungrateful hakka dancing kiwi's YOUR NOT IN THE LAND OF CHILLY BINS AND JANDALS NOW .........


 
Crap! This place is full of em! Whole lot more Chilly bins and Jandals in Australia than New Zealand....Bro


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## Oldbeard (Dec 2, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> Bahhahaha! Would you like a chup bro?
> 
> Lol nah I only eat plankton bro!!!
> I wasnt sure if anyone on here would have seen that its pretty funny.
> My stepson bought me a tshirt with it on it. its pretty cool.


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## redbellybite (Dec 3, 2008)

mebebrian said:


> Bahhahaha! Would you like a chup bro?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 brian THEMS CALLED THONGS AND ESKYS in this fine southern land ..........:lol::lol::lol::lol:


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## RedEyeGirl (Dec 3, 2008)

heheehhahahahaaahahaha so funny!


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## DanTheMan (Dec 3, 2008)

Oldbeard said:


> mebebrian said:
> 
> 
> > Bahhahaha! Would you like a chup bro?
> ...


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

What's the difference between an arsonist and the all blacks?

An arsonist wouldn't waste his last 5 matches.


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## slim6y (Dec 3, 2008)

channi said:


> What's the difference between an arsonist and the all blacks?
> 
> An arsonist wouldn't waste his last 5 matches.



I think you'd mean that with the Wallabies right - you know you guys lost to Wales and NZs last five matches have all been victories - so ummmm.. The joke is on you!


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

A man was found dead on his front lawn wearing pink panties, and an all blacks shirt, with a dildo up his ..... The police removed the all blacks shirt to save the family further embarrassment.


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

Two Kiwi girls are browsing around a perfume counter, one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist and smells it. 
"That's quite nice, don't you fink Trace?" 
"Yeah Sharon, what's it called?" 
"Viens a moi" 
"VIENS A MOI, what the fock does that mean?" 
At this stage the shop assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'" 
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, 
"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?


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## slim6y (Dec 3, 2008)

channi said:


> A man was found dead on his front lawn wearing pink panties, and an all blacks shirt, with a dildo up his ..... The police removed the all blacks shirt to save the family further embarrassment.



I think again you mean a Wallabies shirt - remember - you guys were JUST BEATEN BY WALES!

yes, Wales... My God... Wales isn't even a country and they beat you...

The joke really is on you...

WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES WALES

Yep - I remember the time the Wallabies were beaten by Wales - that's because it was this weekend!!!! YES!!!

Your team sucks! Hahaha :lol::lol::lol:


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

LOL slim if I actually watched football I might care lol


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

But wait there's more.


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

A group of Kiwi guys decide to make a evening of it and head off the nearest field. They have among them a 'Novice', otherwise known as someone who has still to enjoy the Kiwi way with sheep.

So, when they arrive, everyone piles out of the van, and run headlong into the field where a large flock of sheep await.

The Novice guy is running along behind, wondering why everyone seems to be racing, so he shouts out:

NOVICE: "Whats the bloody hurry, theres must be 50 sheep in this field"






EXCITED KIWI: "Yeah but you don't want to get an ugly one!"


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## slim6y (Dec 3, 2008)

channi said:


> NOVICE: "Whats the bloody hurry, theres must be 50 sheep in this field"
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Very true - I am assuming the novice was an Aussie?

Hey you know why Aussie men don't have sex with kangaroos right?

It's because they can't catch them... Streuth!!!


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

Lol.


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

How do you stop a Kiwi from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

Bada BOOM


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

Two families move from New Zealand to Australia When they arrive, the fathers make each other a bet-in a year's time, whichever family has become more Australian will win. 

A year later when they meet again, the first father says, "My son's playing footy, I had vegemite for breakfast and I'm on my to way to pick up a slab for tonight. 

How about you, mate?" 

The second father says, "F*&^ off you Sheep-shagging Kiwi c*&%"


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## links (Dec 3, 2008)

whats the difference between the wallabies, aussie rugby league team and a vacuum cleaner.

nothing they all suck


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## redbellybite (Dec 3, 2008)

Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.




(YOU SEE US AUSSIE'S CAN TAKE THE PISS OUT OF OURSELVES)


Billabonk: To make passionate love beside a waterhole 
Bludgie: A partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet 
Dodgeridoo: A fake indigenous artefact 
Fair drinkum: Good-quality Aussie wine 
Flatypus: A cat that has been run over by a vehicle 
Mateshit: All your flat mate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor 
Shagman: An unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity 
Yabble: The unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans 
Bush****er: A pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub 
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.  
And for the Kiwi's amongst us: 
Shornbag: A particularly attractive naked sheep.


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## DanTheMan (Dec 3, 2008)

channi said:


> What's the difference between an arsonist and the all blacks?
> 
> An arsonist wouldn't waste his last 5 matches.


 
Lol far from the truth, as slim said, you must mean the Wallabies.
All Blacks one the Tri-Nations & the Bledisloe Cup againts the Wallabies (and S.A) AND they just thrashed england, who the Wallabies lost to in the world cup.

I know its a joke but it needs to have a bit of logic to it!


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## ilovejordan (Dec 3, 2008)

Haha thats a good one....


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

DanTheMan said:


> Lol far from the truth, as slim said, you must mean the Wallabies.
> All Blacks one the Tri-Nations & the Bledisloe Cup againts the Wallabies (and S.A) AND they just thrashed england, who the Wallabies lost to in the world cup.
> 
> I know its a joke but it needs to have a bit of logic to it!


 
Ok I know this is hard for you to understand (otherwise you would have got it the first time I posted it) so I will talk slowly for you. 
That .... might .... matter....if.....I ..... cared.....about football....but ....I....am....just.....in....it....for....the....laughs.
LOL.
Oh and the spelling of won in this instance is not one. And I missed the rule about jokes and logic, I thought if it's funny it's a joke....my bad.


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## DanTheMan (Dec 3, 2008)

channi said:


> Ok I know this is hard for you to understand (otherwise you would have got it the first time I posted it) so I will talk slowly for you.
> That .... might .... matter....if.....I ..... cared.....about football....but ....I....am....just.....in....it....for....the....laughs.
> LOL.
> Oh and the spelling of won in this instance is not one. And I missed the rule about jokes and logic, I thought if it's funny it's a joke....my bad.


 
Hahah, your signature suits you perfectly

And sorry for not going through and seeing if you had posted again to justify yourself


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

A kiwi walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, looks at his wife lying in the bed and says, "Darling this is the pig I sleep with when your not feeling well"
The wife replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot!"
The kiwi looks at her, rolls his eyes and says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

Ah Dan this one is for you.

What do you call an Aussie who scores on an I.Q. test?

A Cheat.

Now never let it be said that I am not generous. LOL


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## slim6y (Dec 3, 2008)

It's ok channi - when Dan left his home country he raised the average IQ of both countries!


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## ilovejordan (Dec 3, 2008)

lol x1000000000000000000


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

slim6y said:


> It's ok channi - when Dan left his home country he raised the average IQ of both countries!


 
LMAO
.....HEY:x


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders are saying? 

Just by following these easy steps and you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander. 

What you hear and what it really means: 


BETTING : "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket. 

BRIST : Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "billy" 

BUGGER : As in "mine is bugger than yours". 

BUN BUTTUN - been bitten by insect 

BUG HUT - popular recording 

CHULLY BUN : Also known as an Esky 

DIMMER KRETZ : Those who believe in democracy. 

ERROR BUCK : Language spoken in countries like "Surria", E-Jupp" and "Libernon". 

EKKA DYMOCKS : University staff 

GUESS : Flammable vapour used in stoves. 

LEATHER - foam from soap 

SENDLES : Thongs, open shoes 

COLOUR : Terminator, murderer. 

CUSS : Kiss 

DUCK HID : Term of abuse directed mainly at males. 

PHAR LAP : NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP". 

ERROR ROUTE : As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets". 

FITTER CHENEY : A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger tony". 

PISSED aside - chemical that kills insects 

PIGS - for hanging out washing 

PUGS - pink animal with curly tail


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## links (Dec 3, 2008)

what is the difference between an Australian and a tub of yogurt?

The tub of yogurt has some culture!!


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

links said:


> what is the difference between an Australian and a tub of yogurt?
> 
> The tub of yogurt has some culture!!


 Hey shouldn't your name be spelled lunks.


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## slim6y (Dec 3, 2008)

Channi - when I first started teaching here I was very worried about my accent (which incidentally isn't very strong). No one picked up on it - until I was teaching chemistry.... Yes... The year 11s were all listening carefully when I was introducing the groups on the periodic table....

"Group one atoms there with lithium, group two atoms there has calcium, group three is over here with aluminium, group four with carbon, group five with nitrogen and there's group six...."

I was quickly interrupted - 

"Sir," a bright kid at the front said "Do these atoms really have group sex?"


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## redbellybite (Dec 3, 2008)

CHANNI....your on FIRE girl .....LMAO .........seems like the KIWIS like to dish it out ....but find it a little hard to cop it back .....when all else fails at insulting us AUSSIES ..they use the terminology and I quote 'THE ALL BLACKS.............." yes WE as Aussies KNOW the all blacks WON the rugby ...we can handle that and understand WE DONT ALWAYS WIN AT EVERYTHING......you know we look after our little brothers from the land of the long white cloud.......why we even have blow up sheep to cater for all you city type kiwis.........


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

LMAO seriously, you know we just lie in wait for you guys to say six. It makes our day, maybe small minded but hmm we/I never claimed to be intelligent 


slim6y said:


> Channi - when I first started teaching here I was very worried about my accent (which incidentally isn't very strong). No one picked up on it - until I was teaching chemistry.... Yes... The year 11s were all listening carefully when I was introducing the groups on the periodic table....
> 
> "Group one atoms there with lithium, group two atoms there has calcium, group three is over here with aluminium, group four with carbon, group five with nitrogen and there's group six...."
> 
> ...


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

Thank you, thank you, someone has to play for the home team, I do what I can. I am not finished yet I am just giving them a breather.


redbellybite said:


> CHANNI....your on FIRE girl .....LMAO .........seems like the KIWIS like to dish it out ....but find it a little hard to cop it back .....when all else fails at insulting us AUSSIES ..they use the terminology and I quote 'THE ALL BLACKS.............." yes WE as Aussies KNOW the all blacks WON the rugby ...we can handle that and understand WE DONT ALWAYS WIN AT EVERYTHING......you know we look after our little brothers from the land of the long white cloud.......why we even have blow up sheep to cater for all you city type kiwis.........


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

There was this big kiwi sitting at the bar having a few beers. When a gay looking guy walks in, the gay guy takes a fancy to the kiwi and after a few beers ask the kiwi if he would like a head job. 

Well the kiwi kicks and punch's the gay guy out in to the car park, then goes back to the bar and has another drink. 

The barman ask's if he's okay as he has never seen him act that way and wondered what the man had said to him and the kiwi replies

"I'm not sure something about a job."


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## channi (Dec 3, 2008)

Oh last one....for tonight.

Two kiwi blokes, Muck (mick) and Phul (Phil) decided to go and have a couple of coldies after work. As soon as they stepped inside the bar Muck went butt up in a pile of doggy do. The owner came rushing out apologising profusely, cleans the floor and Muck up and tells him, "Me bloody mutt, mate can't be trained, bloody thing is always crapping on the floor. Come on take a seat at the bar, free beers for you two all night."
Well Muck and Phul are having a grand old time getting pussed at the owners expence when in walks the biggest Aussie bloke either of them had ever seen, and what do you know, the bloody dog had been at it again. The Aussie guy goes sliding in it, loses his footing and lands on his butt. Muck comes running over, "Aww, Mate." he says " I just did that an hour ago."
The Aussie bloke jumps up immediately grabs Muck by the back of the neck and rubs his nose in the dog do and says," Did ya? Ya dirty bastard."


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## channi (Dec 4, 2008)

Come on Kiwi's where's your fighting spirit now?


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## DanTheMan (Dec 4, 2008)

slim6y said:


> It's ok channi - when Dan left his home country he raised the average IQ of both countries!


 
Hahaha!



channi said:


> Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders are saying?
> 
> Just by following these easy steps and you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.
> 
> ...


 
If you have an Aussie accent, those sounds pretty accurate!
Our accent is rediculous lol



DanTheMan said:


> I should be posting more jokes against the aussies but I found this one pretty good.
> 
> An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand, when he happened to glance over the fence and see a farmer goin' at it with a sheep.
> 
> ...


 
See I can take it! Even from myself!


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## Creed (Dec 6, 2008)

slim6y said:


> I think you'd mean that with the Wallabies right - you know you guys lost to Wales and NZs last five matches have all been victories - so ummmm.. The joke is on you!





DanTheMan said:


> Lol far from the truth, as slim said, you must mean the Wallabies.
> All Blacks one the Tri-Nations & the Bledisloe Cup againts the Wallabies (and S.A) AND they just thrashed england, who the Wallabies lost to in the world cup.
> 
> I know its a joke but it needs to have a bit of logic to it!



umm i think you missed the joke.

wasting 5 matches refers to the all blacks winning so easily in the early rounds of every world cup and then failing at the last hurdle when everyone thinks they have it all wrapped up.

it has nothing to do with the most recent matches, just the fact that every world cup they go in as favourites and choke terribly.


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## LauraM (Jan 11, 2009)

Lol


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## slim6y (Jan 11, 2009)

Skot_WA said:


> umm i think you missed the joke.
> 
> wasting 5 matches refers to the all blacks winning so easily in the early rounds of every world cup and then failing at the last hurdle when everyone thinks they have it all wrapped up.
> 
> it has nothing to do with the most recent matches, just the fact that every world cup they go in as favourites and choke terribly.



RUGBY LEAGUE WORLD CUP... woops.. did I shout that out *ahem*

(sorry about the delayed response skot, just noticed you'd written that there....)

Talking about choking!


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## misssullivan (Jan 11, 2009)

Im an aussie and have visited new zealand, love both countries.

My mum sent this one to me and i think its great.

Life in the Australian Army...

A letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those
of you not in the know, Eromanga is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in
the far south west of Queensland )

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that
the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in
bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta
get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta
do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya
uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack -
nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's
lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks
or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon
and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on
a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in
the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep
getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a
bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya
like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize
cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself
comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even
load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have
to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when
you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real
careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and
Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at
home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best
the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from
the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles
across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone
wringin' wet,but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to
the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before
word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,
Sheila

:shock::lol::lol::lol:


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## LauraM (Jan 11, 2009)

Haahahaha awesomess


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## Ristof (Jan 12, 2009)

Yeah thats a good one


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