another joke

[peterescue]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.

This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!". "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus?", the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the landlord.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!", says the landlord. The duck looks confused, "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"

 

[Shamus]

While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk we all know about, asked .....
"What's your hurry?"
"I'm late for work."
"What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher"
"A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well, I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
"And just what do you do with a six-foot a*&hole?"
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

 

[Bryony]

he he he he
thats gross, but so effective in the humour section!!!!!

 

[trader]

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog
spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn
me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again
the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you
I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
:wink:

 

[Fuscus]

This guy ran a 'skill' game at the travelling shows, you know, throw three balls to knock down five cylinders to win a prize. Anyhow, one of his prizes was a tortoise, with lived up on the top shelf. The tortoise remained unwon for years and the guy grew quite fond of it.
One night this guy turned up, as relaxed and comfortable as a newt, and said ''give ush a go' and paid for his go. Dispite a near inability to stand he actually knocked over all five cylinders and won a prize.
'I'll have that thanksh' he said and pointed to the tortoise. The owner was a bit sad but gave the drunk the tortoise and the drunk left.

About an hour later the intoxicated gentleman turns up again, has another go and wins another prize.
"What do you want?" said the stallholde, pointing to the remaining prizes.
"Another one of those crusty pies thanks"