Dear Tech. Support (Funny)

[MrBredli]

I've just been cleaing out my work (e)mailbox and found this gem. I think it may have been posted on here previously, but it's still funny so here goes..


Dear Technical Support,
>
>18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
>which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are
>apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution
>was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make
>matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
>applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
>Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
>
>I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left
>a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several
>weeks.
>Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
>same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
>other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
>
>I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
>product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
>tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with
>FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.
>
>Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
>very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically
>stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
>They then resurfaced months

>later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic
>Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch
>TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files,
>and

>I have to try to guess what the problem is.
>
>Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
>requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
>which needs to Be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
>attaches itself to my

>Saab
>93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with
>an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.
>
>Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be
>problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
>detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before
>uninstalling itself.
>
>Help requested please !!

 

[MrBredli]

Here's another good one, it's called Five Corporate Lessons..


Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

_____
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

_____
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

_____
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

_____
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep
you there.

 

[MrBredli]

>> > A Kiwi (man not bird), a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a shipwreck. They
>> > found themselves stranded on a deserted island. After being there a
>> > while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening
>> > to watch the sun set.
>> >
>> > One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red, with beautiful
>> > cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for
>> > romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and
>> > better to the Kiwi.
>> > Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but
>> > the dog got jealous and began growling fiercely until the Kiwi
>> > took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
>> > continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more
>> > cuddling.
>> >
>> > A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
>> > The only survivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful
>> > woman the Kiwi had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when
>> > they rescued her, but they slowly nursed her back to health. When
>> > the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their
>> > evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening; red sky,
>> > cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze--perfect for a night of
>> > romance. Pretty soon, the kiwi started to get "those feelings"
>> > again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in
>> > and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in
>> > her ear.............
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> > "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

 

[MrBredli]

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else
via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come
into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the
nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE).

The quickest acting WINE type is called
Swift-Hitting-Infiltrator-Remover-All-Zones (SHIRAZ) but this is only
available for those who can afford it, the next best equivalent is
Cheapest-Available-System-Killer (CASK). Take the antidote repeatedly until
WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have
already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is
DEADLY (Destroys-Every-Available-Decent-Living-Youngster).

Update 05-05-05:

After extensive testing it has been concluded that
Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy (BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may
require a more generous application.

 

[cam]

Hahahahahahhahahaahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

 

[MrBredli]

One more, the 3 stages of a man's life...

Single

Married

Divorced

 

[warp81]

love ur work MR B