Joke thread.....

[lilmissrazz]

Mujibar was trying to enter Australia legally through Immigration

The Immigration Officer said to him, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one. Unless you pass it you cannot enter Australia."

Mujibar replied, "I am ready."

The officer said, "I want you to make a sentence up using the words yellow, pink and green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes then said, "Mister Officer, I am ready."

"Then proceed." said the officer

Mujibar began. "The telephone goes green green, green green, I pink it up, and say, yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works at a call centre near you.



feel free to add your own.....

 

[Trouble]

PROUD TO BE AN AUSSIE!!!​

'Hello, is this the police?'

'Yes it is. How can we help you?'

'I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!'

'Thank you very much for the call.'


The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.


The phone rings at Wazza's house.
'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'

'Yeah'

'Did they chop up your firewood'

'Yep'

'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!


:lol:

Always Loved that 1, LOL​

 

[nuthn2do]

A lady was shopping at the local supermarket where she selected:
A litre of skim milk,
A carton of eggs,
A litre of orange juice,
A head of lettuce,
A 500gr can of coffee, and
A package of bacon

She was unloading the items on the conveyor belt at the check
out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued
by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the
six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her
selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know
what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're friggin ugly."

 

[kandi]

so an so was feeling really grumpy and such an such said you must have the equine flue , u r doing a bit of nagging. then such and such said u must be ok now u have stabilised. ha ha

 

[kandi]

worker says to boss co worker phil says my hair smells nice i want to make a complaint, but boss says u cannot do that he was paying u a compliment, worker anne says but boss he is a midget.lol

 

[Dodie]

Not jokes but amusing..

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set

2. A day without sunshine is like......night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

6. Depression is like anger without enthusiasm.

7. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

8. Support bacteria..........they're the only culture some people have.

9. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

10 Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

11. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

12. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? OK, then raise my hand.

13. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

14. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

15. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

16. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

18. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

19. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

20. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

21. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

22. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.

 

[kandi]

yes amusing dodie lol

 

[Bung-Eye]

well did you guys hear about the new andrew johns special at mcdonalds? you don't actually get a burger with the meal, just some coke and ice.

 

[lilmissrazz]

This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car started to move very slowly.The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life. He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car. Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town. Soaking wet exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Scotch.
Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing. Everyone in the bar listed in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story, hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying and he definitely was not drunk!
About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, “Hey, there’s the ****hole who jumped into the car while we were pushin it!”

 

[lilmissrazz]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time”, he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says:
“Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him.”
So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?” and he hears a voice cry out “Yeah, please.”
Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts again “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “Over here… on your porch swing.”

 

[cement]

how do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!

 

[cement]

A blokes wife goes missing while diving off the west australian coast.He reports the event, after searching fruitlessly he spends a terrible night worrying about what could have happened to her.
Next morning there is a knock at the door and two policemen are there. An old sarge and a younger constable.
The sarge says "mate, we have news for you, unfortunatly some really bad news, but, some good news, and then maybe some more good news".
"well" says the bloke, 'I suppose i should hear the bad news first".
The sarge says, "look, where really sorry, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying in about 5 fathoms and stuck in a cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up ,but she was dead."
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear this, and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes, he pulls himself together and asks "whats the good news.......?"
The sarge says, "well,when we got your wife up there were quite a few good size crays and a swag of nice crabs hanging of her, and we've brought you youre share."
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it
"geez, thanks, I guess its an ill wind and all that....but..... well whats the other possible good news?"
"well", the sarge says " me and Bill get off duty at 4 o clock, and if you fancy a quick trip, we're going to shoot back over there and pull her back up again.....!"

 

[cement]

New apple product.

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a new computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in womens breast implants. The new i.Tit will cost $499 or $599 depending on what type of speakers you buy with it.


This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breastsand not listening to them..

 

[bouncn]

how do you make a peach crumble?

ya kick it in the groin...

thanks Moe

 

[moosenoose]

I'm gonna post this one again...it's one of my favourites

The Bacon Tree

Two mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden...
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell, ees bacon, I is sure of eet"
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee also".
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune,and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a mirage? We ees in the desert don't forget"
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a mirage that smeell like bacon ... ees no mirage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 meters, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded
but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree"
"Luis Luis mi amigo...what ees it?
"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
.
.
.
.
Eees a Ham Bush!!!! 8)

 

[MoreliaMatt]

one of my favs!



What did the constipated mathematician do?



Worked it out with a pencil

 

[moosenoose]

eeeewwwwwwwwww!!!! :lol:

 

[Bung-Eye]

what about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac? he spent all night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

[mr black]

What does an atheist say when they come?

 

[Adzo]

What does an atheist say when they come?

"Chemical chance, chemical chance!"
Got to love Bill.