Jokes for Anybody! LOl!

[rodentrancher]

Subject: Test for Dementia



Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)







First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?



Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!



Try not to screw up in the next question. To answer the
second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.




Second Question:


If you overtake the last person, then you are...?


Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?



You're not very good at this! Are you?





Third Question:


Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.






Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?


Scroll down for answer.












Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?






Fourth Question:


Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene,
3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?






Answer: Nunu?


NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the
question again.




Okay, now the bonus round:


There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?


He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

 

[rodentrancher]

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage roll and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

[rodentrancher]

Last one! LOL!


>A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand

>new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in

>an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the

>window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have

>in your flock, will you give me one?"

>

>The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then at his peacefully

>grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

>

>The young man parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects

>it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he

>calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his

>location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area

>in an ultrahigh resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital

>photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in

>Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot

>that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a

>MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of

>complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry

>and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a

>full-colour, 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet

>printer.

>

>He finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

>

>"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the

>shepherd.

>

>He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as

>the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

>Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly

>what your business is, will you give him back to me?"

>

>The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

>

>"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

>

>"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"

>

>

>"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even

>though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew;

>to a question I never asked; and you don't know a damn thing about my

>business.

>

>

>

>Now give me back my dog.

 

[Scorpio19]

LOL.....ur in fine form today cheryl...

 

[rodentrancher]

Yeah Scorpio those jokes just came in from my friend Janey in Canada. She lives in Alberta. Funny lady!

 

[Ginajam01]

What can be driven yet has no steering wheel?
What can be sliced and remain whole?

This is sad as are all of my jokes but have a go b4 you scrool down.
















A Golf Ball

 

[Ginajam01]

What do ducks say when they land on a lake for the first time in the morning?




OOh me doo$le, OOh me doo%le man that's cold.

Sorry guys I'm sad I know

 

[Ginajam01]

Whats the best thiung about telling a clean Joke?


There's a good chance noones heard it

 

[Ginajam01]

What did Homer Simpson say when asked why the Chicken crossed the road?




MMMMMM Chicken

 

[Ginajam01]

Mary had a little skirt, with splits right up the sides,
Everytime she wore it the boys could see her thighs,
She also had another skirt with a split right up thefront,
She didn't wear that skirt much.

 

[Ginajam01]

Bloke was telling his neighbour about the new hearing aid he'd bought, state of the art developed in a fancy world class lab.

What kind is it?', asked the neighbour

12.30

 

[dobermanmick]

:lol:

 

[Ginajam01]

President Bush got a letter from Osama Bin Laden-

370H55V 0773H

He was stumped! didn't understand so he called the pentagon together with the leading caodebreakers the US had to offer.

Noone could decipher it until the boy pouring everybodys tea called from across the table,' Try Reading it upside down Sir'.

 

[Ginajam01]

A bloke goes in to a library and asks to borrow a book on suicide.

The librarian scowls and says,'I suppose you expect me to believe that you'll return it?'.