A Girls Night Out
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with
that one!) Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3
times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the cat and farted."
Doctor Bob
Doctor Bob slept with one of his patients and felt guilty about doing so all the next day.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of shame and betrayal were overwhelming.
Still every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him, "Bob, don't worry about it. You're not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And besides, you're single. Let it go."
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality. "Bob, you're a veterinarian"
NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!
He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck
driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling.
The bartender says, "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.
As the truck driver is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with 12 kinds of pens and pencils,
and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.
The bartender says, "Don't worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license to do this."
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load
shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.
He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car, screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver asks, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL MARX:
It was a historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY LEARY:
Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
SADDAM HUSSEIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
RONALD REAGAN:
I don't remember.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
MOSES:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
JERRY SEINFELD:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
DARWIN:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
EINSTEIN:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
ANDERSEN CONSULTING:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position.
The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
THE VALUE OF UNDIES
Here's your weekly safety brief. Be careful what you wear (or don't,
wear), when working under your vehicle...especially in public.
From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central
west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break
down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the
shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot.
The wife returned laterto see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head
Tribal Wisdom
This would probably this sound very familiar to some!
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that when you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. In government however, a whole range of far more advanced strategies is often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Threatening the horse with termination.
4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
5. Arranging to visit other countries to see how others ride dead horses.
6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
7. Re-classifying the dead horse as "living-impaired".
8. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
9. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase the speed.
10. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
11. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders improve the dead horse's performance.
12. Declaring that, as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overheads, and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
13. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
14. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position
