The Lamentations of the Father
Of the beast of the feild and of the fishes of the sea,
and all of the foods that are acceptable in my sight,
ye shall eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed beast, fried, grilled or ground into burger,
ye may eat of these, but not in the living room.
Of the ceareal grains and of the corn and of the oats,
and of all the ceareals that be of bright color and
unknown provenance, ye may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the juices, milk and fizzy beverages ofall kinds except alcoholic,
ye may drinketh, but not in the living room, neither carry such therein.
Indeed when thou reacheth that place wherein the livingroom carpet begins, of any food or beverage, ye may not eat, nor drinketh.
Laws of the table
If ye be seated in thy highchair, neither raise up thou knees,
neither raise thy feet apon the table, for this art an abomination unto me,
yay even if thou hast an intresting bandaid to show me, thou shalt not.
Drinketh thy milk as it is given unto thee, neither use apon it
any utensil, knife, fork nor spoon, for I say so.
If thou dippeth thy blocks in the milk and licketh thereof ye shall be sent away.
When thou eateth anything, ye shall not open thy mouth to show thy sister what is within. I say unto you, do not, even if thy sister hath done unto you.
Eateth food only, neither eateth that which is not food, nor biteth thy cup or utensils.
Thou shall not useth the rainment of the table to wipeth thy mouth, but leave it as it is, for we are out of laundry powder.
Though your carrot strick or sausage resembleth a pencil, write no word
nor draw anything with these apon the tableNeither secret about thyself any food for later disposal, for this shall incur my wrath.
If thou swingeth apon thy chair, also will it displease me, neither lean apon thy sister, nor slideth beneath the table, for this shall annoy me greatly.
Desert
I shall judgeth between the plate that is clean and the plate which be unclean, saying, If thy plate be clean, thou shall taste of desert,
but of the unclean plate the law is so:
If thou hast eaten most of thy meat and one third portion of thy peas in my sight, and also ye hast eaten atleast two forks of potatoe, ye shall eat of desert.
If ye eateth of lesser peas yet eateth of thy meat, still ye shall not tasteth desert, neither any portion thereof.
If thou attempteth to deceive me by moving thy food about the plate, that it may appear ye hast eaten thereof, but ye have not, neither shall ye tasteth of desert.
Screaming
Neither assult mine ear with screaming, for it is as if ye scream always.
If ye receiveth a plate, apon which are two foods touching, but ye want not
them touching, ye raise your voice unto the ceiling.
I say unto you, scream not, but yourself relocate the food that offendeth thee.
Again if ye receiveth a fish fillet, from which every trace of seasoning hath not been scoured, ye, even the seasoning be loathsome unto thee, and is steeped in vileness, still refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm thee, and cause thee to faint unto death,
make not a sound from thy throat, neither holdeth thy nose nor cover thy sight, for behold, I hath made it so and even now I eateth of it and perish not.
General
Biteth not any person, lest ye be cast into thy room.
Neither drinketh thy bath water, nor washeth my camcorder in the sink, ye even if it appear vile and covered in filth.
Blame not each other loudly for rude noises, neither asketh any visitor if it was them.
Thou shalt not inflict harm apon our pet serpente, nor cast it into thy schoolbag, lest it crapeth therin or biteth thee.
Neither delete delete thy fathers works from the pc, lest thy evoke my wrath.
Cast not thy hand to artistic persuits with magic markers apon my walls, ye even if it saith non toxic, neither shall any door or wall be defaced by thine hand, with crayon nor paint.
Lamentations 2
O my children, thou art disobedient, for when I tell thee, thou shall do this or that, ye dispute hotly, ye even shouting, kicking and casting thyselves apon the floor.
Sometimes thou shouteth blasphemies, like "poohead" and kicketh the door, and I am exceeding wrathful, and sendeth thee forth to thy room.
Straight away ye asketh, can I come out? and I answer 'no' and again and again ye asketh till i let thee out.
Ye shall know that I am thy boss until ye are old enough to leave home.
Let the child who hath ears, hear me and know that I mean it.
Of the beast of the feild and of the fishes of the sea,
and all of the foods that are acceptable in my sight,
ye shall eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed beast, fried, grilled or ground into burger,
ye may eat of these, but not in the living room.
Of the ceareal grains and of the corn and of the oats,
and of all the ceareals that be of bright color and
unknown provenance, ye may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the juices, milk and fizzy beverages ofall kinds except alcoholic,
ye may drinketh, but not in the living room, neither carry such therein.
Indeed when thou reacheth that place wherein the livingroom carpet begins, of any food or beverage, ye may not eat, nor drinketh.
Laws of the table
If ye be seated in thy highchair, neither raise up thou knees,
neither raise thy feet apon the table, for this art an abomination unto me,
yay even if thou hast an intresting bandaid to show me, thou shalt not.
Drinketh thy milk as it is given unto thee, neither use apon it
any utensil, knife, fork nor spoon, for I say so.
If thou dippeth thy blocks in the milk and licketh thereof ye shall be sent away.
When thou eateth anything, ye shall not open thy mouth to show thy sister what is within. I say unto you, do not, even if thy sister hath done unto you.
Eateth food only, neither eateth that which is not food, nor biteth thy cup or utensils.
Thou shall not useth the rainment of the table to wipeth thy mouth, but leave it as it is, for we are out of laundry powder.
Though your carrot strick or sausage resembleth a pencil, write no word
nor draw anything with these apon the tableNeither secret about thyself any food for later disposal, for this shall incur my wrath.
If thou swingeth apon thy chair, also will it displease me, neither lean apon thy sister, nor slideth beneath the table, for this shall annoy me greatly.
Desert
I shall judgeth between the plate that is clean and the plate which be unclean, saying, If thy plate be clean, thou shall taste of desert,
but of the unclean plate the law is so:
If thou hast eaten most of thy meat and one third portion of thy peas in my sight, and also ye hast eaten atleast two forks of potatoe, ye shall eat of desert.
If ye eateth of lesser peas yet eateth of thy meat, still ye shall not tasteth desert, neither any portion thereof.
If thou attempteth to deceive me by moving thy food about the plate, that it may appear ye hast eaten thereof, but ye have not, neither shall ye tasteth of desert.
Screaming
Neither assult mine ear with screaming, for it is as if ye scream always.
If ye receiveth a plate, apon which are two foods touching, but ye want not
them touching, ye raise your voice unto the ceiling.
I say unto you, scream not, but yourself relocate the food that offendeth thee.
Again if ye receiveth a fish fillet, from which every trace of seasoning hath not been scoured, ye, even the seasoning be loathsome unto thee, and is steeped in vileness, still refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm thee, and cause thee to faint unto death,
make not a sound from thy throat, neither holdeth thy nose nor cover thy sight, for behold, I hath made it so and even now I eateth of it and perish not.
General
Biteth not any person, lest ye be cast into thy room.
Neither drinketh thy bath water, nor washeth my camcorder in the sink, ye even if it appear vile and covered in filth.
Blame not each other loudly for rude noises, neither asketh any visitor if it was them.
Thou shalt not inflict harm apon our pet serpente, nor cast it into thy schoolbag, lest it crapeth therin or biteth thee.
Neither delete delete thy fathers works from the pc, lest thy evoke my wrath.
Cast not thy hand to artistic persuits with magic markers apon my walls, ye even if it saith non toxic, neither shall any door or wall be defaced by thine hand, with crayon nor paint.
Lamentations 2
O my children, thou art disobedient, for when I tell thee, thou shall do this or that, ye dispute hotly, ye even shouting, kicking and casting thyselves apon the floor.
Sometimes thou shouteth blasphemies, like "poohead" and kicketh the door, and I am exceeding wrathful, and sendeth thee forth to thy room.
Straight away ye asketh, can I come out? and I answer 'no' and again and again ye asketh till i let thee out.
Ye shall know that I am thy boss until ye are old enough to leave home.
Let the child who hath ears, hear me and know that I mean it.
