Hey guys, I’m still an APS noob, but when I joined up a few months ago I knew next to nothing about the care of reptiles in captivity. Since then I’ve learnt enough to consider myself almost ready to take the plunge. What I didn’t realise at all was what a thriving and fervent hobby reptile keeping was. I’ve spent quite of a lot of time researching threads on old topics on everything and nothing, and naturally see many of the ones that pop up every day. As with any hobby, the enthusiasts who partake in it are very passionate about it. The following is a (hopefully) humorous look at some of APS’ topics as seen by an outsider. I tried to represent two sides when possible. It is not meant to be taken seriously in any way, shape or form and written completely in jest. What are we if we can’t laugh at ourselves? Even monkeys do! ( I have no idea if that’s true or not, but it sounded good.) I apologise for the abundance of capitals, it just added to the superior and obviously exaggerated tone of voice it’s meant to be read in. Hope you guys get some chuckles out of it. Please ignore if it’s not to your taste.
11 Things I’ve Learned From APS…or the unofficial APS site rules.
1)[FONT="] [/FONT]Cats are EVIL. Anyone in the presence of cat should immediately consider relocating themselves as simply LOOKING at one has been known to kill innocent reptiles across the globe. One cat can kill ONE THOUSAND reptiles in ONE MINUTE.
2)[FONT="] [/FONT]Exotics are also EVIL. Any snake or lizard from another country will DECIMATE native wildlife as its escape from captivity is INEVITABLE. Once escaped the specimens will AUTOMATICALLY adapt with no problems and begin their reign of TERROR. They are also MUCH uglier than native wildlife. The numerous multicoloured Ball Python morphs have NOTHING on a Children’s Python.
3)[FONT="] [/FONT]Hybrids are the SON OF EVIL. They are an offense to the NATURAL order and NEVER EVER occur in nature. Hybrids, like any exotic, are also PHENOMENALLY ugly. Anyone who likes the look of hybrids should have their EYES removed and replaced with MARBLES since that will not only make the said person look better, but also be of more USE to them.
4)[FONT="] [/FONT]Feeding live is TANTAMOUNT TO EVIL. It is also ILLEGAL. Yes, in almost ALL other instances we fight for keeping things NATURAL but c’mon, OBVIOUSLY not this. Feeding live is ONE step away from being a SERIAL KILLER. In NO cases is feeding live acceptable. It is INHUMANE and IMMORAL. We LOVE animals. Unless you are an INSECT or FISH, then NOBODY CARES.
5)[FONT="] [/FONT]Your substrate DEFINES how much you love your reptile. Breeders Choice pellets are in the AXIS OF EVIL. Obviously Snake Ranch are CRAZY. BC pellets have been known to SNEAK up on snakes while the SLEEP and stage ELABORATE schemes to try to suffocate them. NEWSPAPER is the only viable substrate, which is convenient as it is also NATURALLY what snakes use in the WILD.
6)[FONT="] [/FONT]Never post a question that has been ASKED BEFORE. Regardless of WHEN it was last asked. It will WASTE the valuable TIME of the 7 people who INSIST on pointing that it has been PREVIOUSLY answered INSTEAD of simply answering it themselves and will definitely NOT possibly start an INTERESTING discussion. There will ALSO be NO chance of more RECENT data or DIFFERENT opinions that were not previously aired. ONLY ever bring ORIGINAL questions to the forum. IF you are a 10 yr old potential herper you BETTER have read up on the LATEST genetically relevant research on snakes so as to bring something NEW to the forum. This way, we can ADVANCE at a rate of APPROXIMATELY 1 new post a WEEK.
7)[FONT="] [/FONT]If you post a QUESTION that has already been answered 3 times that WEEK you are OFFICIALLY one of those people who needs MARBLES for eyes.
8)[FONT="] [/FONT]When you post, make sure you can SPELL. If not, your writing may PHYSICALLY ASSAULT reader’s eyes causing them to respond with UNREASONABLY HARSH and SARCASTIC remarks. These remarks can also be motivated by the above mentioned PREVIOUSLY ANSWERED QUESTIONS. What’s that? You’re 9? Who CARES? We are a REPTILE FORUM and therefore also ADHERE to the rules that would apply to a “SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR” forum.
9)[FONT="] [/FONT]If you’re 30 and are ALSO receiving UNREASONABLY HARSH and SARCASTIC remarks, well, why can’t you SPELL?
10)[FONT="] [/FONT]We are a REPTILE FORUM. Post only REPTILE related topics. The CHIT CHAT section is there for DECORATIVE purposes only. Screw COMMUNITY we only care about REPTILES. We are a REPTILE FORUM. If you have OTHER interests or want to SHARE with or GET TO KNOW other members then HARDEN UP. REPTILES are our ONLY concern. We are a REPTILE FORUM.
11)[FONT="] [/FONT]If 90% of your posts are in the CHIT CHAT section then WHAT THE HELL? We are a REPTILE FORUM. Go play MARBLES with your EYES.
11 Things I’ve Learned From APS…or the unofficial APS site rules.
1)[FONT="] [/FONT]Cats are EVIL. Anyone in the presence of cat should immediately consider relocating themselves as simply LOOKING at one has been known to kill innocent reptiles across the globe. One cat can kill ONE THOUSAND reptiles in ONE MINUTE.
2)[FONT="] [/FONT]Exotics are also EVIL. Any snake or lizard from another country will DECIMATE native wildlife as its escape from captivity is INEVITABLE. Once escaped the specimens will AUTOMATICALLY adapt with no problems and begin their reign of TERROR. They are also MUCH uglier than native wildlife. The numerous multicoloured Ball Python morphs have NOTHING on a Children’s Python.
3)[FONT="] [/FONT]Hybrids are the SON OF EVIL. They are an offense to the NATURAL order and NEVER EVER occur in nature. Hybrids, like any exotic, are also PHENOMENALLY ugly. Anyone who likes the look of hybrids should have their EYES removed and replaced with MARBLES since that will not only make the said person look better, but also be of more USE to them.
4)[FONT="] [/FONT]Feeding live is TANTAMOUNT TO EVIL. It is also ILLEGAL. Yes, in almost ALL other instances we fight for keeping things NATURAL but c’mon, OBVIOUSLY not this. Feeding live is ONE step away from being a SERIAL KILLER. In NO cases is feeding live acceptable. It is INHUMANE and IMMORAL. We LOVE animals. Unless you are an INSECT or FISH, then NOBODY CARES.
5)[FONT="] [/FONT]Your substrate DEFINES how much you love your reptile. Breeders Choice pellets are in the AXIS OF EVIL. Obviously Snake Ranch are CRAZY. BC pellets have been known to SNEAK up on snakes while the SLEEP and stage ELABORATE schemes to try to suffocate them. NEWSPAPER is the only viable substrate, which is convenient as it is also NATURALLY what snakes use in the WILD.
6)[FONT="] [/FONT]Never post a question that has been ASKED BEFORE. Regardless of WHEN it was last asked. It will WASTE the valuable TIME of the 7 people who INSIST on pointing that it has been PREVIOUSLY answered INSTEAD of simply answering it themselves and will definitely NOT possibly start an INTERESTING discussion. There will ALSO be NO chance of more RECENT data or DIFFERENT opinions that were not previously aired. ONLY ever bring ORIGINAL questions to the forum. IF you are a 10 yr old potential herper you BETTER have read up on the LATEST genetically relevant research on snakes so as to bring something NEW to the forum. This way, we can ADVANCE at a rate of APPROXIMATELY 1 new post a WEEK.
7)[FONT="] [/FONT]If you post a QUESTION that has already been answered 3 times that WEEK you are OFFICIALLY one of those people who needs MARBLES for eyes.
8)[FONT="] [/FONT]When you post, make sure you can SPELL. If not, your writing may PHYSICALLY ASSAULT reader’s eyes causing them to respond with UNREASONABLY HARSH and SARCASTIC remarks. These remarks can also be motivated by the above mentioned PREVIOUSLY ANSWERED QUESTIONS. What’s that? You’re 9? Who CARES? We are a REPTILE FORUM and therefore also ADHERE to the rules that would apply to a “SPELLING, PUNCTUATION AND GRAMMAR” forum.
9)[FONT="] [/FONT]If you’re 30 and are ALSO receiving UNREASONABLY HARSH and SARCASTIC remarks, well, why can’t you SPELL?
10)[FONT="] [/FONT]We are a REPTILE FORUM. Post only REPTILE related topics. The CHIT CHAT section is there for DECORATIVE purposes only. Screw COMMUNITY we only care about REPTILES. We are a REPTILE FORUM. If you have OTHER interests or want to SHARE with or GET TO KNOW other members then HARDEN UP. REPTILES are our ONLY concern. We are a REPTILE FORUM.
11)[FONT="] [/FONT]If 90% of your posts are in the CHIT CHAT section then WHAT THE HELL? We are a REPTILE FORUM. Go play MARBLES with your EYES.
