WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football
team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with
me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the bitch); will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
vasectomy.
WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football
team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with
me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the bitch); will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
vasectomy.
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football
team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with
me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the bitch); will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
vasectomy.
WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary: For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased
a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since playing on my High School football
team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart
my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it
when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is
going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter
and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in
both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I
parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with
me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a
little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the
treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone
invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some
other **** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin,
cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an
hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out
with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room.
She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine
-- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little
cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable
pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I
don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand
me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir
director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice
wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to
smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even
use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife
(the bitch); will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
vasectomy.
