Friday Jokes!

[moosenoose]

Okay, lets have em!! Here's the opener! :lol:

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

So he was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500. He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

"Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

You want to know the real joke? I thought the word ornery was a misprint - I thought they were trying to spell horny and stuffed it! hehehe So next time someone gets narky on here and I stay I think you're ornery - don't think I'm trying to crack onto you! I'm NOT!!!! lol

http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&biw=995&q=define:+ornery&meta=

You learn something everyday! :lol:

 

[moosenoose]

Fine!!!! HUH!!! Not good enough! Well, get this one into you! :lol:

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant

you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed

to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you

wish for,your husband will get times ten."

The woman said, "That's okay." and for her first wish, she wanted to

be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You

do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome

man in the world,an Adonis whom women will flock to. "

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful

woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM! she's the most

beautiful woman in the world.



For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the

world and he will be ten times richer than you.

"The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's

his is mine." So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd

like a mild heart attack."













Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



ATTENTION ALL FEMALE READERS: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop

here and continue feeling good.



MALE READERS: Please scroll down.







































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really

smart.







Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this, it only goes to

show that you women never listen! :wink:

 

[rodentrancher]

:lol:

 

[Shimarah]

LMAO!! Good ones Moose :lol:

 

[lutzd]

Liked the second one best! ;-)

 

[rodentrancher]

Me too! I scrolled down. I'm a woman that doesn't listen or read instructions. LOL! :lol:

 

[moosenoose]

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is
taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have
grounds for a divorce?"

To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."

"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.

Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you
have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."

At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady.
Why the heck do you want a divorce?"

"Because he can't hold an intelligent conversation!"

:wink:

 

[moosenoose]

Sorry, I kind of find this personally amusing lol

"I'm worried that I'm losing my wife's love," the husband told the counsellor.

"Has she started to neglect you?"
"Not at all," the dejected man replied.
"She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, she's a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch, or says she has a headache."

"So what's the problem?"

"Maybe I'm just being too sensitive," the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks I'm sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, 'Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'"

 

[Mr.K]

hahahahahhaha, awsome man. what can i say.....excellent stuff. :lol:

 

[Mr.K]

I hate blonde jokes usually but now i live with one i luv em..................

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a
'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had
any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said,
"How much will you charge me?" The blonde, after looking about, responded,
"How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other
materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the
house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize
that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She
should; she was standing on it.
Do you think she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke
emails we've been receiving."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked "Yes," the blonde replied, "and
I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to
her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus

 

[Ricko]

i love that one mr k but i heard the bit at the end was a ferrari instead of a lexus but hey still a funny joke.

 

[moosenoose]

Here we go again! :wink:

A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, "Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother-in-law."

 

[instar]

LMAO Funniest in ages! :lol: :lol: :lol: I Think Moose deserves his own humor forum, what do you say admin?
I think the majority, enjoy these threads as a diversion from the usual fare.

 

[lutzd]

A Fireman is polishing a fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look, "That's a lovely fire engine," says the fireman admiringly. "Thanks," says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

"Little colleague," says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run our fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.

The little girl pauses for a moment to think, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks up into the fireman's eyes and says...

..........

"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a ***** siren, would I"

 

[instar]

LMAO DAve! :lol: "Wrrrowllllll" :lol:

 

[moosenoose]

Must just be my sense of humor with this one :? :wink:


How To Impress a Woman:

Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Tease her
Comfort her
Hug her
Send her flowers
Wine and dine her
Listen to her
Care for her
Hold her
Support her


How to Impress a Man:

Show up naked..... with beer. :wink: Perfect!

 

[nuthn2do]

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a male or female Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Male", is the mans' response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there".

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, pitbull, shotgun and a pair of hand cuffs. He then gives the man some instructions.

"Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the pitbull is trained to lock onto the gorilla's testicles. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on".

The man asks "What's the go with the shotgun then?"

"If I fall out of the tree, shoot the dog"

 

[moosenoose]

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I actually did once."
"And how did your husband look?"
"Angry, very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us!"

 

[instar]

LMAO! :lol:

 

[moosenoose]

Courtesy of Tom

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"