Friday Jokes!
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moosenoose
Legendary
An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one
of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or
Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they
were both equally qualified and both did excellent
work. He finally decided that in the morning,
whichever one used the water cooler first would have
to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some
water to take an aspirin and the executive approached
her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but
I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like crap
of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or
Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they
were both equally qualified and both did excellent
work. He finally decided that in the morning,
whichever one used the water cooler first would have
to go.
Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some
water to take an aspirin and the executive approached
her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but
I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like crap
herptrader
Very Well-Known Member
moosenoose said:
my wife impresses me all the tiime
:wink: :wink: :wink: I think this thread should be renamed 1001 Moose Jokes!
moosenoose
Legendary
If I told you, I'd have to kill you! :wink: :lol:
danep
Not so new Member
A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:
Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
" What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"
She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire."
Y'know sump tin, honey, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.
From now on, when I says 'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
When I says Bell two', you jump on de bed.
When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."
The next night he came home and shouted 'Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
" What de hell is 'Bell Four', woman?"
She replied : "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire."
danep
Not so new Member
The Australian Tax Office sends their auditor to a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says,
"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he
asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then,
they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious
way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?
What doyou do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs
from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the
manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole
box matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well,
Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Tax
Office, and about once a year they send us a
complete d#$k like you."
The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi, and says,
"I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he
asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we
have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then,
they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious
way... "Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?
What doyou do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs
from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the
manufacturer and every now and then, they send a whole
box matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well,
Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the Tax
Office, and about once a year they send us a
complete d#$k like you."
moosenoose
Legendary
Oh Look!! It's Friday again! :lol:
Caught napping at work or school? ...try this one.
Guaranteed to work!
Just pick your head up real fast and say:
"...in JESUS' name...AMEN!"
(he-he...it can't fail )
Caught napping at work or school? ...try this one.
Guaranteed to work!
Just pick your head up real fast and say:
"...in JESUS' name...AMEN!"
(he-he...it can't fail
)
moosenoose
Legendary
or this one :wink:
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve`s wife gave it to me."
"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`"
She said, "`No, I`m not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve`s wife gave it to me."
"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`"
She said, "`No, I`m not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
moosenoose
Legendary
one more, then I'm having a breather (back to work lol)
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
moosenoose
Legendary
Yipee Friday yet again! :lol: I was ill last week so I had an excuse not to post :lol:
Here we go! :wink:
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says
That her body hurts wherever she touches it. ?Impossible!" says
the doctor,"Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams.
Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She then
pushes her knee and screams even louder, likewise she pushes her ankle and
screams louder still. Everywhere she touches makes her scream in agony.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
Here we go! :wink:
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says
That her body hurts wherever she touches it. ?Impossible!" says
the doctor,"Show me." The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her
left breast and screams.
Then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She then
pushes her knee and screams even louder, likewise she pushes her ankle and
screams louder still. Everywhere she touches makes her scream in agony.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
rodentrancher
Very Well-Known Member
:lol: :lol: :lol: :wink: Onya Moosey
moosenoose
Legendary
Ahhh Chezz always appreciates my jokes lol
This one was a goodie
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
This one was a goodie
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the students raised their hand and asked - "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
moosenoose
Legendary
Most probably won't notice these because they are all too busy fighting
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"They're in three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly!
The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he shows his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"They're in three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly!
The wife responds wryly, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".
moosenoose
Legendary
At least I seem to amuse myself :lol: Yay for Friday!! Go the Sainters!!
There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"
So Dr. Chang said, "First ta off all ur clothes." So she did.
Then he said, "Now, get on ur hands and knees and crawl wheel fass away frum me, den craw weal fass back to me." So the young lady did.
Dr. Chang looked at her said, "I know what wong with yoo...
Yoo got weal bad case of Zachary disease!!"
The lady asked, "What the heck is that?!"
Dr. Chang replied, "Dat's when ur face look zachary like ur butt"!
Go the Sainters!!There was this woman who was desperate to meet a companion.
She went to single bars, singles dances etc., but she could never meet anyone who would go on a date with her, much less sleep with her. So in her desperation she went to see a sex doctor, named Dr. Chang.
She asked Dr. Chang, "Doctor, please help me find out what's wrong with me!"
So Dr. Chang said, "First ta off all ur clothes." So she did.
Then he said, "Now, get on ur hands and knees and crawl wheel fass away frum me, den craw weal fass back to me." So the young lady did.
Dr. Chang looked at her said, "I know what wong with yoo...
Yoo got weal bad case of Zachary disease!!"
The lady asked, "What the heck is that?!"
Dr. Chang replied, "Dat's when ur face look zachary like ur butt"!
BLONDE JOKE ALERT
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor." She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why,
officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down and
says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes
out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the
answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is
all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what
is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my
answers."
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided
to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside
the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was
the following note.
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another!
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says,
"What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor." She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get
your act together. Yesterday you take away my license and then today you
expect me to show it to you!"
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why,
officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out," he says. She looks down and
says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another
blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the
other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the
wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian
said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at
night!"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of
yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes
out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the
answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is
all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what
is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my
answers."
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided
to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a
little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note: I have kidnapped
your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in
the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde. She pinned the note inside
the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown
bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was
the following note.
Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to
another!
moosenoose
Legendary
Opps....almost forgot! :lol:
Kelly limps into his favorite pub...
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
Kelly limps into his favorite pub...
My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley", whispered Kelly to the beertender.
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's right tit." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!"
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