Hillarious

[cracksinthepitch]

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

 

[jessb]

A good one I heard the other day. Made beer come out my nose when I read it...



A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

 

[bundybear]

A good one I heard the other day. Made beer come out my nose when I read it...



A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque. 'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

see, i bet that feels better now doesn't it jessb?

A parrot swallow a viagra...........to his owners disgust
so he puts the parrot in the freezer to cool off
later, when he opens the freezer door he finds the parrot sweating.
"how come your sweating?" he asks
the parrot replies "do you know how bloody hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chook?"

I've just seen 2 deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands in each others pants...........i think they were lip reading!

The wife's not speaking to me 'cause i wouldn't open the car door for her..........................
it's not my fault....i just panicked and swam to the surface!

Woman go's to the doctor with a rash on her genitals.
Dr. asks her "how often do you have sex?"
She says "twice a year"
Dr. says "thats not a rash, thats rust!"

How often do jumbo jets crash?
Just the once!

 

[tooninoz]

Two mexicans are stuck in he desert, trying to cross the US border, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden……..



“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet.”

“Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee”.


So with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon……every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.


“Pepe, Pepe we ees saved! Eet is a Bacon Tree!”
“Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon…..ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.


And with that ……. Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 feet, with Pepe close behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


“Pepe….go back man, you was right….ees not a bacon tree.”


“Luis, Luis, mi amigo…….what ees it?”


“Pepe……ees not a bacon tree…… ees....


ees..


ees...


ees...


ees...


ees...




ees a HAM BUSH!.”


Old but good.

 

[rodentrancher]

ROFL!!

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him,
and for Patience for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'

Sometimes this could be true in some marriages??

 

[rodentrancher]

It's my 5th wedding anniversary today and I can say from personal experience, this is a load of crap. It has been the happiest time of my life, and I only wish that everyone could be half as lucky as I have been.

I don't understand when people (men and women) roll their eyes and complain about being married and spend all their time criticising their spouse - if you aren't happy then why are you wasting your time with someone you dislike when you could be out there finding the right person?

It seems like an immature attitude espoused by people who feel compelled to buy into the tedious "marriage is the end of your happiness" generalisation which stopped being funny with those standup comedians who used that tired, lazy joke "Take my wife. Please" Otherwise they must just be idiots who are too stupid to make the right choices. (PS that is not aimed at you itbites!)

I think that most of us have really great marriages, and all these sort of jokes are really "JUST JOKES!" so please lighten up and just take them as a big joke, as I'm sure the majority really don't think this way? Cheers Cheryl

 

[shane14]

lol roflpms thats how funny the last one is!!!

 

[slim6y]

A woman wants many things from one man....

A man wants one thing from many woman...

 

[i_LoVe_AnImAlS]

im really sad at the moment so they brought a smile to my face

 

[kakariki]

Young boy goes to his mum.." Mum, why do brides wear white?" " Son," says mum " white signifies purity & innocence. A bride is saying she is of pure heart and innocent to the ways of the world." The boy didn't really understand what his mum meant so he went to find his dad. " Dad, why do brides wear white?" " Son" said dad " All kitchen appliances come in white!"

 

[RedEyeGirl]

lmao!!! That is GOLD!!!

 

[itbites]

Some great jokes there people & jessb.....umm okay then LMAO
Keep 'em coming

 

[nuthn2do]

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mummy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother, 'Don't eat it Billy, it's an ar***hole.....!!

 

[shane14]

lol rofl good joke Nuthn2do!!!

 

[GSXR_Boy]

THE 6 BEST SMART *** ANSWERS ..........


SMART *** ANSWER#6

It was mealtime during a flight on Alaska Airlines.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.


SMART *** ANSWER#5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'



SMART *** ANSWER#4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'



SMART *** ANSWER#3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said.
The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART *** ANSWER#2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, ' Low Bridge Ahead.'
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'




SMART *** ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2007

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness,
Or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

 

[itbites]

nuthn thats GOLD!

 

[redbellybite]

It's my 5th wedding anniversary today and I can say from personal experience, this is a load of crap. It has been the happiest time of my life, and I only wish that everyone could be half as lucky as I have been.

I don't understand when people (men and women) roll their eyes and complain about being married and spend all their time criticising their spouse - if you aren't happy then why are you wasting your time with someone you dislike when you could be out there finding the right person?

It seems like an immature attitude espoused by people who feel compelled to buy into the tedious "marriage is the end of your happiness" generalisation which stopped being funny with those standup comedians who used that tired, lazy joke "Take my wife. Please" Otherwise they must just be idiots who are too stupid to make the right choices. (PS that is not aimed at you itbites!)

HA HA hunny, wait till you been married 20 years had 4 kids gained kilos you thought you never could ///////its the comical stuff that keeps you married cause if ya didnt fight ,you would never do the "make up session" and if you didnt see the funny side in alot of things YOU WOULD KILL HIM!:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

 

[redbellybite]

also JESS, you dont like wifey jokes BUT you like BLONDE ones.......... .now if us blondes were as sensitive and highly strung out over that as you are with the wedding ones.........I could say your blonde joke was lame and not funny...........and old as the hill........but I wont cause I see the humour and after all its a JOKE