Having/Not having Kids

[saximus]

A couple of different posts have got me thinking this might be a good place to ask.
The last few years, it seems the older I get the less I want them. I know I'm only "young" but I know myself and I think I wouldn't be a good parent. I'm way too selfish, I enjoy being able to do what I want whenever I want and I'm a dirty capitalist who wants to have as much money as possible to spend on myself whenever I want.
I love my reptiles like children specifically because they don't beg for anything (one of my strange pet hates about children and other types of pet), they don't make noise and they live contented lives so long as I provide the basic requirements. After owning reps I can't imagine having to look after a "real" pet again let alone raising a whole person.
This may be a turning point in my six year relationship with my girl and I need to know if I'm making an intelligent decision given the evidence I have now.
So basically I just want to know how many of you have chosen not to have kids and do you regret this decision?

 

[kawasakirider]

I don't think if you had the kids, you'd regret it. If you didn't have them, it may be something you regret down the track when it's too late. If the mrs wants them, you should both have a long chat about it. No point deciding you want different things, and then 12 months later realising you wouldn't mind kids and you've missed your chance with that one girl.

 

[spilota_variegata]

This can be a real emotive subject... Probably best left alone. My only comment is that it's a personal choice.

Good luck with whatever decision you eventually make

 

[vampstorso]

Yeah I think having your own children would be a different feeling Saximus...
e.g. you'd have some control over their neediness (by not making them a spoilt brat!)

and in essence when they mess up you'd handle it differently to someone elses kids.

and unlike pets, kids grow out of needing you, but like pets they wont beg if you don't give in!


I just think gauging your feelings towards children off experience with other kids and pets probably isn't the way to go

 

[kawasakirider]

Yeah I think having your own children would be a different feeling Saximus...
e.g. you'd have some control over their neediness (by not making them a spoilt brat!)

and in essence when they mess up you'd handle it differently to someone elses kids.

and unlike pets, kids grow out of needing you, but like pets they wont beg if you don't give in!


I just think gauging your feelings towards children off experience with other kids and pets probably isn't the way to go

Could have the complete opposite effect, too... He could feel OK with other peoples kids, and then realise he hates having them because he didn't know what it was like to put up with them 24/7 like other peoples kids.

My nephew wears my patience within 30 minutes if he's in a hyper mood.

 

[Nathan_T]

My wife and I both came to the decision independently to not have kids, and it's working well so far. Given that I'm open about this fact to my parents/grandparents, I've copped every argument that you can think of. My philosophy is that it's flat out wrong to have a child on the basis that "once you have em you'll love them", as that's not an assumption you should risk a child's life over.

That said, you definitely need to have the discussion with your partner sooner rather than later. And to be honest, this is a deal breaker for you guys if you disagree. At the end of the day though, it's better in the long run. Convincing someone to see your side of this thing is only going to destroy a relationship eventually, so if your partner is dead set on kids you should be willing to allow her to achieve that in life. That said, it's the modern age so there's no guarantee she doesn't feel the same as you

 

[Audio_anthrax]

U saythat but then when it happens ur whole attitude towards it changes, sounds stupid but its just one of those things that happens...

 

[vampstorso]

Could have the complete opposite effect, too... He could feel OK with other peoples kids, and then realise he hates having them because he didn't know what it was like to put up with them 24/7 like other peoples kids.

My nephew wears my patience within 30 minutes if he's in a hyper mood.

never said it'd be all fun and games and they'd never annoy him.

 

[saximus]

Thanks for the quick replies guys. Nathan your post pretty much nailed it and I agree entirely with your first point. I have heard the "it all changes as soon as you see them" theory on a number of occasions and I think I know myself well enough to know that won't be the case. Or if it is, I will end up like my own father and stop caring at a certain point.
We have spoken about it and we definitely disagree. It didn't end in a fight but it ended in a stalemate which just means it will need to come up again in the future. I want her to be happy and if staying with me means her having to sacrifice that happiness that isn't gonna fly with me.
Anyway I think I've already gotten too far into my personal life. I'll be interested to hear from others like Nathan (or Red-Ink if you're out there ) who have actually made this decision

 

[kawasakirider]

never said it'd be all fun and games and they'd never annoy him.

Yeah I know that, anything's possible.

I do know one parent that "loves" his kids but doesn't do anything for them. It's my sisters partner. They have 3 kids, the eldest boy is 9, the daughter 7 and the youngest one 3. In their whole lives their dad has never been to any of the eldest two's sporting activities. My sister is a trooper, she works and just graduated uni and wipes his *** while he does nothing at home. My dad minds the kids and takes them to footy games and dance practice.

My nephew questioned his dads love for him infront of his father and I. It was really sad... So it's a big decision, and the repurcussions are very real if you're not into it.

 

[sookie]

I fell pregnant,was never going to,out of six kids everyone said i would be the one who would never have kids.don't like the screaming,pooping snotballs.Well decided if it was there it was going to happen.
His natural father didn't want him from day one,wanted me to abort.He was super selfish,no discussion,do it.Well i didn't.I am proud of my 13n yr old son.He has buried his stepdad who loved him like he was his own.Grown up in turmoil watching mum do it hard,working when he could.Now his new stepdad is a good bloke.
I have been thru lows and highs and there has always been a cuddle when i need it,he does funny stuff.Yep its hard work and a fulltime job that doesn't end ever really,but very rewarding.

 

[Karly]

My fiance and I have decided not to have children. When I picture my future, I just don't see children as a part of it. I'm much more interested in pursuing other goals. I think if you are going to bring a child into the world, it should be because you really WANT it, not just because it's something people expect from you.... like you get married and have children... it's just what happens.

I've been ridiculed by so many people for my decision who can't understand how a FEMALE doesn't have that maternal instict. I just don't have it! I never have!

I get what you mean by saying you are too selfish to have children, I feel exactly the same way, but in a way that makes you very selfLESS for being able to admit to that and not caving into social pressure and having a child that you don't really want.

 

[Sezzzzzzzzz]

being a parent is the hardest job on earth. its full time and full on. sometimes things change and u may find yourself wondering, what if there was a little saximus, but while you feel like you do, then as said above talk to your girl and let your feelings be known.

i'd be lying if i said there was no days that i didnt wish i was still free to do what i want, when i wanted to (not when some little person wanted it done....) but a hug and a kiss can make nearly everything better.

Saying that, i will happily throttle the next person who asks when i am having another.

 

[Sock Puppet]

Neither my wife or I ever felt that parental instinct or urge, so never had any desire to have children of our own. We discussed this early in our relationship once we realised we were serious & it could lead to marriage (which it did). It has been the right decision for us, & neither of us have any regrets not having kids, even now after 10years of marriage & me hitting middle age, no regrets at all.

Over the years we've been called many things due to our decision, & have copped the endless "when will you have kids" & "don't say that, you'll have them one day", "never say never" remarks, & many more. That's ok, those close to us (& are the only ones whose opinions matter to us) have accepted it & no longer hassle us (which was really only our parents), & none of them ever considered us weirdos or whatever for not having any intention of popping out some progeny. Occasionally we come across people who applaud us for sticking to our guns & not following "social norms" (for want of a better phrase).

It's a big decision, so whatever way you choose, make sure you are BOTH 100% on board with it, & get it discussed early on, otherwise it'll inevitably lead to tension & dispute down the track.

 

[Red-Ink]

I'm here mate lol...

Yeah pretty easy for me mate and as I said all ready I have low tolerance for neonates, hatchlings and Juvies. I'm not saying that I'm not good with them in fact I find it quite the opposite. Hatchlings seem to be drawn to me and are quite content and happy in my pressence. I just don't think I should breed for the sake of breeding. There are a lot of things to consider mate.. some people fear that they may want them later on down the track and that's a very valid reason. So it's something that you really need to consider. I find a good deterant from kids (as I do get clucky from time to time) is shopping in Safeway or Coles on a Saturday morning, best form of conrtaception IMO (or better yet a Maccas kids party). I have friends my age that have kids and my sister is incubating her first but for me still nothing.. just don't have that paternal instinct I guess.

Innoculate the kid or go to Madagascar
GTP or 1 term tuition
New shoes or a new enclosure
crying in the middle of the night or the sounds of cricket chirping
Talking back or the odd tag here and there
Tied down to the hatchling or freedom to do what I want at anytime
(all the above are selfish reasons for myself but I can afford to be selfish as I don't have hatchlings to take care of)


The most important thing mate is to make sure that you and your partner are OK in the decision which ever way you go. Breeding for the sake of breeding is not a good enough reason. Hoping you'll like it if you do is not a good enough reason as you can't on sell your hatchling if things don't work out. It's like a tattoo once your in your in for life (though you can get laser for tatts these days, if there was ones for hatchlings I may give breeding a go lol)

If your just clucky for a kid but not ready for the other stuff babysit somebody else's you can give them back when you get sick of them (or get a cat or dog). Plenty of responsibility having a kid mate and I commend all parents out there as it's not the easiest thing to do...

Oh my parents and in laws refer to the pets as grandkids.. lucky I guess that their understanding of our decision not to breed lol.

 

[saximus]

Thanks a lot for all the comments guys and girls. I was beginning to think I'd gotten too personal and nobody was gonna touch the thread.
It's good to hear from both sides and for anyone else reading this I'm not asking for someone else to make the decision for me, I just want examples and opinions from personal experience. So far the child-free people have confirmed exactly what I had expected.
I agree with Red that you people who made the decision to breed should be commended and you are strong people for having done so. So far I've just seen no internal evidence that it would be a good idea for me.

 

[Snakeluvver2]

It didn't end in a fight but it ended in a stalemate which just means it will need to come up again in the future.

I know that feeling hahaha.
I personally hate kids but I'm quite good with them and I've decided not to have kids untill I'v knocked a few things off my bucket list and that my life and future career is all good.
Until then, it's a party

 

[saximus]

Haha yeah I'm great with the ones who know me but generally stranger kids seem scared of the dreads and piercings. On numerous occasions I've heard "Mum why does that man have such long hair like a girl?"
I just can't imagine enjoying a life where I couldn't has as many herps as I want or couldn't go diving when/where I want. Then there is the constant fear of screwing up this person's life and have them hate me or not be able to achieve whatever they are capable of because of something I did/didn't do.

 

[Fantazmic]

I dont like other peoples children.......they annoy me.....but I like my own.....I have liked them at different times more than others if I am brutally honest....I think I like them a lot now....I started liking them when they hit mid teens (I have two boys) and now they are growing up they are becoming more and more interesting.

I have to say I could always change my own sons nappies....never bothered me...but I dont want to change anyone elses childs nappy if that makes sense.

It was very hard at the time.....especially financially...but hubby and I are glad we did it.

Remember your girlies call of nature will be stronger than yours as she has a limited time of fertility

We are now thinking that when the time comes we are going to really enjoy having grandchildren !!

 

[shellfisch]

Occasionally we come across people who applaud us for sticking to our guns & not following "social norms" .

While I have four beautiful, talented, well-adjusted, grown kids and can't imagine my life if I hadn't had them, I TOTALLY admire anyone who knows that children are not for them, and didn't succumb to the pressures to produce any to make other people happy.