moosenoose
Legendary
I saw the latest Steven Segal film last night on DVD and I'd just like to say how incredibly bad I thought it was!!
Anyway, not happy to just suffer in silence after an hour and a half of crap acting, poor script and coiffed hair, I thought I'd better find out some things I didn't already know about the man who is Steven Segal!
Here is what I discovered:
* When Steven Segal goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Steven Segaled.
* When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Steven Segal.
* Steven Segal counted to infinity - twice.
* Steven Segal invented every colour. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
* When Steven Segal does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
* Steven Segal hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
* Steven Segal gave Mona Lisa that smile.
* Steven Segal can slam a revolving door.
* Steven Segal once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
* Steven Segal's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Steven Segal.
* Steven Segal can speak Braille.
* Steven Segal's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
* Superman owns a pair of Steven Segal pyjamas.
* Steven Segal owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
* Steven Segal sleeps with a night light. Not because Steven Segal is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Steven Segal.
* Steven Segal doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
* Once a cobra bit Steven Segal's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
* Steven Segal divides by zero.
* When Steven Segal exercises, the machine gets stronger.
* Steven Segal doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
* Steven Segal sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled drinking ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Steven kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
* Steven Segal can kill two stones with one bird.
* Steven Segal once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
* Steven Segal once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "*****ting bricks" wasn't just a figure of
speech.
* The only time Steven Segal was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
....and that was about all I could find. Some of those things I found a little hard to believe..but hey, it is Steven Segal we're talking about here
Avoid the film at all costs!!!
Anyway, not happy to just suffer in silence after an hour and a half of crap acting, poor script and coiffed hair, I thought I'd better find out some things I didn't already know about the man who is Steven Segal!
Here is what I discovered:
* When Steven Segal goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Steven Segaled.
* When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Steven Segal.
* Steven Segal counted to infinity - twice.
* Steven Segal invented every colour. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
* When Steven Segal does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
* Steven Segal hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
* Steven Segal gave Mona Lisa that smile.
* Steven Segal can slam a revolving door.
* Steven Segal once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
* Steven Segal's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Steven Segal.
* Steven Segal can speak Braille.
* Steven Segal's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
* Superman owns a pair of Steven Segal pyjamas.
* Steven Segal owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out
of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
* Steven Segal sleeps with a night light. Not because Steven Segal is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Steven Segal.
* Steven Segal doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
* Once a cobra bit Steven Segal's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
* Steven Segal divides by zero.
* When Steven Segal exercises, the machine gets stronger.
* Steven Segal doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
* Steven Segal sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled drinking ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Steven kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
* Steven Segal can kill two stones with one bird.
* Steven Segal once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
* Steven Segal once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "*****ting bricks" wasn't just a figure of
speech.
* The only time Steven Segal was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
....and that was about all I could find. Some of those things I found a little hard to believe..but hey, it is Steven Segal we're talking about here
Avoid the film at all costs!!! 
