Ohhh.. What the HELL! A joke..again!

[moosenoose]

Sitting here bored to death and half tanked :lol: Hit me with em cos I need a good laugh!!! Otherwise I'm just gonna keep rollin' em out............ :twisted:



There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'.

Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"

The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

 

[diamond_python]

Keep rolling them out.....

 

[moosenoose]

Uhh..why not? It's not that rude is it - an oldie but a goodie!!!


A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, "I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!"

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. "Henry", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff." And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, "Stop, Henry, you'll kill yourself." But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy."

"Shhhhh," Henry whispered, "The buzzard is getting closer."

 

[dobermanmick]

:lol: Keep rolling moose !

 

[diamond_python]

Getting better, keep em coming.

 

[moosenoose]

Okayyyyyyyyyyyyy Here we go again! :twisted:

There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up.

"Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?" She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning"

 

[moosenoose]

OK ok they'll get better :lol:

 

[diamond_python]

A Panda walks into a bar...

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian orgin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

 

[moosenoose]

hee hee

 

[diamond_python]

Good Doggie


One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse."My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill."What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."

 

[diamond_python]

ur turn moose.

 

[moosenoose]

Santa and the blonde

One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!
I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa says, "Ho Ho Ho I gotta go, gotta go!
I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off everything and asks "Santa, now will you stay with me?"

Santa replies "Hey Hey Hey I gotta stay, gotta stay!
I can't get up the chimney with my Pr**k this way!"

Hope I'm not over stepping the mark here! I reckon thats a ripper!

 

[diamond_python]

That was GOLD............

 

[moosenoose]

Why doesn't Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

 

[Fuscus]

Hope I'm not over stepping the mark here! I reckon thats a ripper!

You probery are. But it is a ripper

 

[instar]

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars."

The bear replies, "If you don't give me a beer, I'll eat that lady over there."

The bartender says, "Go ahead."

So the bear eats the lady and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears on drugs."

"What do mean," says the bear. "I'm not on drugs."

"Yes, you are, that was the barbituate."

 

[moosenoose]

Hahahaha Inny! I like it!

and then............


A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to
meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about
you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or
what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

 

[moosenoose]

A motorist pulls up to the gas pumps and says "fill it up, please". The Attendant notices that the front and back seats of the car are
occupied by penguins.

"Hey Buddy" says the attendant to the driver, "These birds can't be happy like this...they're wild animals, you should take them to a zoo
or something.."

The motorist agrees to do so.

The next day the guy drives into the filling station and once more the attendant sees the penquins installed in the front and back seats, and they are all wearing sunglasses and holding towels...

"What's this?" he says to the driver, "I thought you agreed to take these birds to the zoo?"

The driver says "I did...and they had such a great time that today I'm taking them to the beach."

 

[instar]

LMAO A Sdaji joke! :lol:

 

[moosenoose]

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess
happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I
was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.
One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can
marry, move into the castle with my Mum and you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy
doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't think so."