Ohhh.. What the HELL! A joke..again!

[moosenoose]

Ohhh.....you probably heard it b4..raises an eyebrow for me though! :wink:

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a bald eagle and is consequently
put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trail, the conversation
went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"
Man: "Yes I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what
happened."

Judge: "Proceed."
Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a Bald Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.

I knew that if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish. Unfortunately, in the process of taking the fish I killed the Eagle. I figured that since I killed the Eagle I might as well eat it since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

Judge: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you
didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will dismiss the charges.
But if you don't mind the court asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste
like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can
describe it is maybe a combination between a California Condor and a
Spotted Owl."

 

[moosenoose]

Okay, thanks for bearing with me this evening - I've had it and run out of red :lol: Here is my last food for thought thingy...if there even was any previously! hee hee

OK, let's consider the physical evidence.

The moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the Earth every year.

Do the math and you will clearly see that 85 million years ago it was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs; the tallest ones, anyway.

Good night all! :wink:

 

[jimmy_the_kid]

wow that was so bad i cried moosey

 

[moosenoose]

Sorry! :twisted:

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a horid vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way trying to desperately get away.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happens. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door, and pushing the door, but it just won't budge!

Doctor: Did this door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said "Pull"

 

[Greebo]

An old guy is walking around a nursing home asking the other residents to guess how old he is. He walks up to one lovely old lady in a wheelchair and says "Guess how old I am!"
The old lady reaches over and undoes his zip, slips her hand in and has a bit of a fiddle. After a few moments she announces "83".
"That's amazing!" Says the old bloke." You can tell how old I am by doing that?"
"No," Replies the elderly lady, " You asked me the same question yesterday."

 

[nuthn2do]

One penguin sitting in the middle of a huge colony is looking so distressed another comes up and asks what the problem is.
"I can't find my wife" says the sobbing penguin.
"Cheer up, I'll help you find here" the other replies
"What she look like?"

--------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "100 buck says I can stand with my forehead on the bar and shoot a nugget out with such force it will land outside on the footpath"
"Impossible ...... your on" say the barman
The man drops his strides, bends over with forehead rested on the bar and with a mighty grunt lets rip. Needless to say there's a thud as the projectile hits floor right behind him. The barman manages to curb his hysterical laughter for just long enough to get out "your an idiot, you just lost 100 bucks on a stupid bet"
The man replies "not really, see that man across the road? I bet him a thousand bucks earlier that I could come in here, take a dump on the floor and you'd laugh at me"

---------------------------------------------------------------

90 year old bloke sitting in the gutter crying
"What's up? says a passer by.
"Such a good life........... married to a 25yo bombshell, all the money I could ever spend, mansion with classic car collection housed underneath and now my doctor says i've got another good 25 years left in me" the old bloke sniffles.
"You should be the happiest man in the world" says the stranger.
Old man replies "yeah, but I can't remember where I live"

 

[womas4me]

Whats yellow and green and eats nuts? Gonorrhea

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it

What do you get when you cross two black people? Your butt kicked

Whats the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again

Why do women call it PMS? Because mad cow disease was already taken

Whats a mixed feeling? Watching your mother in law back off a cliff in your new car

Whats the height of conceit? Having an orgasm and calling out your own name

Whats the definition of macho? Jogging home from your own vasectomy

How can you tell if your at a bulemic bachelor party? The cake jumps out of the girl

How is pubic hair like parsley? You push it to the side before eating

Whats the difference between a g spot and a golf ball? A man will search for a golf ball

How do kiwis practise safe sex? They spray paint X's on the back of animals that kick

 

[moosenoose]

I've heard different versions of this - the blonde one is the best! :wink:

Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.

She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer "if I can guess how many sheep in you're flock will you give me a sheep."

The farmer says "OK".

The brunette says "485".

The farmer says "that's right but if I can guess you're natural hair color can I have my sheep back".

the brunette says "OK".

The farmer says "blonde".

The brunette says how did you know.

The farmer says you just picked the dog.

 

[Fuscus]

well, it may have been a sheep dog

 

[moosenoose]

Those are absolute rippers W4M :lol: I love the PMS one! :lol::lol:

 

[moosenoose]

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".

So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', I knew he was gonna jump off that cliff."

And the blonde says "Well, i saw it too! But I never would have thought that he would do it again!"

 

[soulweaver]

superman is flying along one day when he sees wonder women laying butt naked on her roof. Superman freezes for a moment and thinks to himself i can fly down there at super speed, do my thing and then get away unnoticed.

So he flys down there, does his thing and flys away.

then wonder women goes "what the hell was that?"
Invisable man replies. "i don't know, but my ar se sure hurts."

 

[moosenoose]

Okay...sigh.......I'm reaching! :lol:

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that big tree over there?" he asked.

"YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I damn well didn't!"

 

[phantom]

3 blondes go into a bar ,1 orders 3 shots
and passes them to the other 2 blondes
they throw them down then yell 51
they order 3 more ,throw them down and yell 51
the bartender watching this ,finally after the 3rd time
ask whats the go with 51.
well 1 of the blondes being very smug say's
we just finished a jigsaw puzzel in 51 days
and the box said 3-4 years. 51

 

[instar]

This morning on the Freeway,

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Calais doing 100 kph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much;

I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Damn women drivers

 

[moosenoose]

This is about as accurate as it gets with some of the people I work with! :wink:

Two engineering students were walking across campus - one was pushing a brand new expensive bicycle. The other one says "Where did you get the bike"

The first one said "I was sitting under a tree studying, when a beautiful woman came riding up on this bike - tore off all her clothes, threw herself on the ground and said TAKE WHAT YOU WANT"

The other engineering student said "Good choice - the clothes wouldn't have fit anyway"

 

[moosenoose]

Oh it's all true!!! :? :lol:

You Might Be An Engineer If.........

The only jokes you receive are through e-mail (APART FROM THIS ONE )

At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma

Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room

In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling

You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday

You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

You forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months

You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects

You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area

You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life

You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married

You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

You know what http:// actually stands for

You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

You see a good design and still have to change it

You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring

You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep

You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)

You window shop at Radio Shack

You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite

You know what the geosynchronous satellite function is

Your checkbook always balances

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work

Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 700Mhz Pentium

You've already calculated how much you make per second

You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio



Thank whatever being I'm not an Engineer! :lol: :lol:

 

[soulweaver]

a teacher was teaching her class one day when she said ok children its time for today's magic word which is.....'beautiful'

The teacher calls sally to the front of the class and asks, "can you put the word beautiful into a sentence on the blackboard?" Sally walks over to the blackboard and writes, my mum is the most beautiful personin the world.

The teacher says thats very sweet and then calls frankie to the blackboard and asks the same question. Frakie writes on the board i saw the sunrise today and it was beautiful. The teacher thanks frankie then calls little johnnie to the front of the class. The teacher asks johnnie to put the word beautiful into a sentance.

Little johnnie writes on the blackboard.....my sister told my dad last night she was pregnant, and my dad said "beautiful, just F***ing beautiful"

 

[angelrose]

3 blondes go into a bar ,1 orders 3 shots
and passes them to the other 2 blondes
they throw them down then yell 51
they order 3 more ,throw them down and yell 51
the bartender watching this ,finally after the 3rd time
ask whats the go with 51.
well 1 of the blondes being very smug say's
we just finished a jigsaw puzzel in 51 days
and the box said 3-4 years. 51

**** i must be stoned, this one nearly made me fall off my chair.....
The gonnerea one made me puke though, thanks w4me lmao

 

[angelrose]

Oops im in trouble,

You know whats really funny, im not even an engineer and that joke was embarrassingly close to both me and my husband lmao

OK here's one...

A blonde is driving along a country road and she see's a blonde in a row boat seriously try to row in the middle of a big open field.
She stops the car and gets out, goes to the side of the field and yelled out to the blonde in the boat.
You stupid blonde, you give the rest of us a bad name, If i could swim, i would come right out there and beat you up!.

[edited bad language - DON'T DO THIS AGAIN - LAST WARNING]

What happens if i accidently do it again? Anyone know?



Angel