Read My Story And Tell Me What You Think I Need To Know Its For My English Assessment

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DaReptileBoy

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The Time Dragons
Inspired by Death Adders.

Benny hadalways been into his dragons and snakes and in fact he owned a snake himselfbut there was always one thing on his mind. Benny always wanted to know if themighty and mystical creatures that looked like both a lizard and a snake wherereal but that was all about to change.
“Benny it’s time for school!” “Ok mum” Bennysaid as benny ran down the stairs he put out his arms and acted like he was adragon flying over a mystical valley of mystical creatures. When he hit thecreaky flaw boards of the kitchen he grabbed his lunch and breakfast and wentheading for the do when he suddenly got stoped by his mother’s voice.
“Benny youforgot your hat and where’s my hug?” Benny was hesitant to turn around as hismum always hugged him to hard and made him feel like his heart was going tocome up his thought but he didn’t mind as he loved his mum and he knew ifanything was going to happen to him this would be the last hug she would giveto him.
When Bennygot to school he was greeted by his best friend Shaun who he had be friendswith since preschool “hey Benny” said Shaun “did you remember our scienceproject?” “ahh no Benny said sorry I forgot we could make a new one” Benny replied“it’s alright I have a spear in case you went off to your dragon land” “I DON’TGO INTO ANOTHER UNIVERSE IM NOT AN ALIEN!” they both laughed and walked intothe science room.
“Today classwe are going to be heading to the computer room so some people can print offthere posters so if everybody could stand up and tuck there chairs in and thenhead over to A6” the teacher announced, as they sat down at the computer screenthey went into Microsoft Word to print out there script for the assessment thecomputer was being slow and he waited aimlessly staring at the screen, he felta dark shadow come over him and as he turned around he saw one giant scaly leg infront of him he then looked around to see where he was and there was nocomputer or desk just a big damp hole in the side of a mountain and the oncecomfy office chair he was sitting on turned into a cold and hard rock Bennystarted to freak out and then remembered the big scaly foot behind him. Themonster spoke to Benny in the tongue of an ancient tribe in the middle of Africaand somehow Benny could understand every word of what this thing said.

“Benny youhave been brought here today by the council of Jaboko as you will be the onewho will save the dragons from the evils of the giants we have had the giantsbehind the wall of scorko until an evil being broke them out his name was RobertI believe he bullied you at school?” the elder said, Benny was taking this infast thinking it was all a figure of his imagination and then started callingfor Shaun but there was no reply.
Benny thenstarted to think about this rationally and said “but why me I mean im not adragon and Robert is so much bigger and stronger than me” “ah but you have thesmarts to beat him and we need to re build the peace to this land so we haveprovided you with these tools that will help you in your quest” the dragon elderthen pulled out a blade what was as sharp as a Sabre Tooth cats claw and as shiny as a diamondwith the moons light bouncing of it, “I will help you find Robert on you questbut I can no guarantee your safety on what you are about to face” said the ElderBenny replied in a nervous voice “I never even said yes but since I still thinkit’s a dream nothing can happen to me so I accept” the dragon then grabbedBenny with its hand and flew over the valley Narita hoping to see some sign ofRobert who had thought this was all a game until Benny arrived.
They hadspotted a camp fire in the valley and where almost certain it was Robert so theElder dropped benny down into the nearby forest to go see who and what it was.Benny carefully walked through the forest not knowing what was around the nextcorner he peeked through a gap in the trees and saw a young boy laying downnext to the fire he didn’t know if it was Robert or not so he needed to get acloser look, he crept around the side of the camp fire so he could have a goodlook at the boy’s face and when he got there the body was gone.
Benny drew hissword as fast as he could and then someone tapped him on the shoulder “heybenny how nice to see you here do you like what I’ve done to the place?” bennythe turned around and tried to reason with Robert “come on man you can’t dothis it’s not nice animals and peopleare dying for no good reason” said benny dropping his sword onto the ground “Ithought you said it was all a dream and if it was a dream none of this would bereal right?” said Robert trying to get into Benny’s head “I’ll tell you what youbeat me and ill rebuild and put all the giants back behind it and if I beat youthen I get to let the giants take over Narita and everything living here, Deal?”Benny thought about this for a second and decided to take the gamble eventhought he had never thought or even used a sword in his life.
Benny pickedup his sword and so did Robert, Benny took the first move and flicked the coalsof the dying fire at Roberts face one singed his hair and burnt his cheek andhe cried in agony Robert then lunged forward striking at Benny with all hismight and he only hit him once with the tip of his blade on the side of his armbenny collapsed and fell to his knees crying in agony and Robert turned toclaim his prize, Benny with all his might picked up his sword ran and thrustedit through the back of Robert and then let go as Robert fell to the ground withblood running down his tummy Robert was dead.
The elder cameand said to benny “I’ve already put the giants and rebuilt the wall I justneeded a distraction and you did perfectly and now think you need to go back to your own time sogoodbye” “but wait I have so many questions to ask you!” Benny said as he wasbeing shouted at by Shaun.
“WAKE UPBENNY WE HAVE TO GO!” Benny woke up surprised and said “I had the most amazingtime I met a dragon and I fought Robert with a sword and everything” said Benny“no you didn’t you have been asleep for the last half hour while I’ve beendoing all the work on our project as usual” explained Shaun “but but” “no butsthis time benny” “but how about the burn mark on Roberts face I did that withcoal” said Benny Confusedly “no he got burnt by a bon fire he had last nightany way lets go get this project handed in”.
 
You need more commas,spaces between a lot of words and line breaks between paragraphs.Other that that I have no idea as it is just a huge wall of text which makes it difficult to read.
 
I think its great mate....im sure your teacher will be pleased.:)
 
No adult is going to read a wall of text and give you realistic feedback, it's a generational thing :)

Just flicking through some paragraphs, if I was marking it, it would depend on whether it was for creative expression or to test your grasp of the building blocks of grammar. I would give it a pass for creativity, and a fail for grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc.

Put it through a spellchecker first to highlight where you need the spaces, then give it another whirl. Take a big deep breath, and read each sentence slowly...how does it add to the story, and is what you are trying to say actually there on the page? Keep at it, you'll get there.
 
Read My Story And Tell Me What You Think I Need To Know Its For My English Asse

Have to admit I didn't read it all but don't end creative writing stories with the old "then I woke up" thing. English teachers hate it. I would know, I'm marrying one
 
Read My Story And Tell Me What You Think I Need To Know Its For My English Asse

I'm a primary teacher - and waking up from a dream is banned in my class!
 
Yeah I don't like any sort of waking up from a dream type story. Doesn't lead up to something and is not original at all.

You story just needs something to tie it together and make it work. Depending on what your assessment was, it does not need to "end", so to speak. It could be a day in the life of your character, it just needs to have an interesting twist or life story or so on.
 
Benny was actually on a hallucinogenic rampage after eating some toadstools he found in the forest.

Seriously though, it seems to lead up to a very anti-climatic climax. The 'elder' said Benny could beat the guy because he's smarter, while Robert is stronger. Why don't you make Benny kill him in some other way aside from stabbing him? Something more creative and using the intelligence you gave him.
 
Benny was actually on a hallucinogenic rampage after eating some toadstools he found in the forest.

Seriously though, it seems to lead up to a very anti-climatic climax. The 'elder' said Benny could beat the guy because he's smarter, while Robert is stronger. Why don't you make Benny kill him in some other way aside from stabbing him? Something more creative and using the intelligence you gave him.

ok thank you guys! i will put some of your ideas into the story
 
I think it is good :D Except I'm a total spelling and grammar nut :p You seriously have to put in some more punctuation!

Other wise it is great, well done!
 
I think it is good :D Except I'm a total spelling and grammar nut :p You seriously have to put in some more punctuation!

Other wise it is great, well done!
Yea I did do that at school in English class and change the ending abit
 
Lack of spaces between word and some spelling errors will come up in word whenever you type something. If it’s not, than you need to re-set the defaults. Short sharp sentences help to build a sense of something impending. When you talk, do non-stop for a minute or more before drawing breath? I doubt it. Every breath you take and every pause you make when speaking, represents usually a full stop (end of one sentence and being of the next) or at the very least, a comma. Because you a natural tendency to string out your sentences way to long, you need to make a positive effort to cut them up in as short a sentence segments as you can. I cut sentence below up into 13 and some of my sentences are quite long.

Each little segment of a story should be split up to make one paragraph. The first sentence of the paragraph leads into what it is about. The following sentences enlarge upon this idea, thing or happening thing. When the next new idea, thing or situation begins, you start it with a new paragraph.

You might want to connect Benny's adventures with some form of computer game he starts playing rather than just have the leg appear when he turns around. You need to create some form of connection between the real world and the other world. It does not have to be fancy - a bump on the head, an electric shock from exposed computer wires, licking a cane toad,hiding in the computer cupboard to skip class and being exposed to lightening strike or power surge or the elctromagnetic field, etc. Just use your imagination to connect the two. At the same time as getting Benny into that world, think about how he will return.

You have the imagination to come up with a good story line. However, you also need to use the tools of grammar, spelling, punctuation and continuity to craft it into an acceptable form. A builder cannot build inspired structures unles he or she uses the tools of their trade and uses them correctly. With time, care and effort you can master them. Gook luck.

Blue
 
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Have to admit I didn't read it all but don't end creative writing stories with the old "then I woke up" thing. English teachers hate it. I would know, I'm marrying one
I really want to know what you did to find this
out!

Blue
 
Thestoryisn'ttoobadbutjustlikebluesaidwithbetterpunctuationitwouldmakemoresenseanddosomethingaboutgappingyourwordsotherwisejustassaidpreviouslyitisjustabigwallofwords.....................Ron
 
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too many run-on sentences, as people have said. that comes down to plain, ol' punctuation. you should try to be more descriptive overall, and get more creative with it. not just the sights benny sees; what he smells, what things sound like, what he feels, mental and physical feelings he has, et al. try a thesaurus. "mystical valley of mystical creatures" made me laugh a bit. the actual story isn't the important part if this is for an assessment, so don't worry about the ending. it's all about how you tell it.
 
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