some funnies....its been awhile I know ...

[redbellybite]

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.
They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.


It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it.
After a while, Bob and Tom’s resistance to nature’s urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

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So they buried Debbie.

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The question is:
What Do Retired People Do All Day? Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well we are 86 and 89 years old , for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a ####-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.




Billy Connelly Statement of the Century


'If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?'


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Since, singer Susan Boyle has been on TV there's been a marked drop in suicide bombings…

​

Apparently, a lot of the terrorists didn't realise what a virgin looks like . ​

​

 

[Specks]

very very funny. but.. alot of stuff aint wokin

 

[TahneeMaree]

LOL that first one is perfectly morbid

 

[Tristan]

[FONT=&quot]INSTALLING A HUSBAND[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Dear Tech Support ,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
·[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs such as :
· POKER 3.0 and
· Computer online gaming 4.1.1 ....

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.


[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]DEAR DESPERATE[/FONT][FONT=&quot] ,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.1.0 update.
· If that application works as designed,Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 ..
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Trojan

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources..)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck! [/FONT]
Tech Support

*******************************************************************

[FONT=&quot]Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque.' [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot![/FONT]'

[FONT=&quot] 'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there [/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot] on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled[/FONT][FONT=&quot], [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'[/FONT] [FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]To which the parrot replied[/FONT][FONT=&quot]:[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]'Get him Spike!'[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]​

​

[FONT=&quot]********************************************************************

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]School Children Writing About The Sea[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A dolphin breathes through an ****hole on the top of its head. (Billy[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]age 8)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Burniston age 5)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]better off eating beans. (William age 7)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot](Amy age 6)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]


[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]willy small. (Kevin age 6)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. ( Becky[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]age 8)[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]up her fanny (Julie age 7)[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]**************************************************************************



[/FONT]​

 

[redbellybite]

AWwwww well they were working when I put em up ...the first one was about god giving men a penis and women got the brains ...(was funny for the girls )
the second was a pic of two old farts ...and the third was a pic of good ole suzie boyle ....
anyway bring on more funnies ......

 

[Fuscus]

A duck goes into a bar and says to the barkeep
"GIMME BREAD!"
Barkeep : "I'm sorry we don't have any bread"
Duck : "GIMME BREAD!"
Barkeep: "We don't have any bread"
Duck: "GIMME BREAD! GIMME BREAD!"
Barkeep: "We DON'T have any bread"
Duck: "GIMME BREAD! GIMME BREAD! GIMME BREAD!"
Barkeep(grabbing duck by neck) : "Look you stupid bird -WE DON'T HAVE BREAD AND IF YOU ASK AGAIN I'LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR"
Duck goes silent for a few minutes then says quietly " Excuse me sir, but do you have a hammer?"
Barkeep "NO"
Duck: "And do you have any nails?"
Barkeep "NO"
Duck "oh good - GIMME BREAD! GIMME BREAD! GIMME BREAD!"

 

[shellfisch]

Thanks for the laughs!

 

[Specks]

haha good start to the morning for the new jokes. keep them coming

 

[MrsDragonLady]

:lol: :lol: :lol: - I think a few of us have been waiting for you to start the thread again redbellybite...

 

[Walker]

Very good!!!

 

[MrsDragonLady]

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars AU$1.40 and coaches AU$7.

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."

"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"

"Err . . . no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain(presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at about AU$560 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over AU$7 million - or AU$280,000 every year for 25 years!

And no one even knows his name.

 

[MrsDragonLady]

Outback Hero

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the ringer offered.
“Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila.
I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the **** out of the lot of yas!”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Just a couple minutes ago…”

 

[MrsDragonLady]

A Man, Seconds Before Death

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING)

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN
WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE (FRIGHTENING!)

 

[MrsDragonLady]

RENAULT & FORD TO MERGE
Renault and Ford are working together to build a small car.
They are basing the new model on the Renault Clio & the Ford Taurus.
The zippy new little car will be called the “Clitaurus”.
The car comes with a pink interior and fur on the bumpers.
Models assembled in Brazil will not offer the fur option.
It’s recommended as a woman’s car as many men may not be able to find it, especially in the dark.

 

[MrsDragonLady]

isn't anyone else going to add any????
anyway here is another one:

Why All Men Should Stop Fishing!

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour with the wind blowing 70 k/ph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There, I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 20 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that **** weather?’
I still don’t know to this day if she was joking, but I’ve stopped fishing.

 

[Dipcdame]

:shock:Jesus knows you're here!!:shock:


A Burgler broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'

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[MrsDragonLady]

The Talking Dog
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale “.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.’
“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.”
“I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? Are you sure? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that ******.’

 

[MrsDragonLady]

I thought we may have been running out of 'funnies'

:lol::lol::lol: good one dipcdame

 

[redbellybite]

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):



Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.'

Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now..

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'

Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

AND I THOUGHT I WAS COMPUTER RETARDED..

 

[redbellybite]

A Blonde drops off her little black dress
at the local dry cleaners
On the way out the lady at the counter says
"COME AGAIN "
the Blonde replied
"No its toothpaste this time ,,,you NOSEY BITCH!!"