redbellybite
Almost Legendary
What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between your Boobs,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole
AND works best when it is jerked?
A SEATBELT YOU DIRTY MINDED PERSON ...
some funnies....its been awhile I know ...
- Thread starter redbellybite
- Start date
-
- Tags
- aspidites ramsayi
Help Support Aussie Pythons & Snakes Forum:
- Status
redbellybite
Almost Legendary
This is for everyone who sends me those heart-warming B.S stories.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from the University of Toronto ...
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Toronto Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same f@#%ing elephant.
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from the University of Toronto ...
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife,
after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Toronto Zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and
walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs
and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same f@#%ing elephant.
GSXR_Boy
Very Well-Known Member
Two Indian doctors working in an American hospital were having an animated discussion.
"I say it's spelt W-R-R-O-O-M," said one.
"No, it is W-O-O-M-B," said the other.
A nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled W-O-M-B."
"Thanks nurse," said one, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves.
Besides, we don't think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting underwater."
"I say it's spelt W-R-R-O-O-M," said one.
"No, it is W-O-O-M-B," said the other.
A nurse passing by said, "Excuse me, you are both wrong. It is spelled W-O-M-B."
"Thanks nurse," said one, "but we prefer to settle this argument ourselves.
Besides, we don't think you are in a position to describe the sound of an elephant farting underwater."
ihavebeardy
Not so new Member
- Joined
- Nov 20, 2009
- Messages
- 27
- Reaction score
- 0
The kid with the speaking problem
this one has a lot fo swear words so i gota blank em out..ull get it
There once was a kid with a speaking problem, his mum asked him to go down to the shops and get a bucket, a bun and a cocker spaniel (dog)
So the boy walked down to the shops and walked in to the bun shop
Boy: Hi, can i please have a bum?
shop keep: do you mean a bun?
boy: yes, a bum
the boy got is bun and went to the pet shop
boy: can i please have a cock and spank it?
shop: do you mean a cocker spaniel?
boy: yes, a cock and spank it
after the boy had got his dog, he went to the bucket shop
boy: can i please have a F*%$et
shop keeper: do you mean a bucket
boy: yes, a F*%$et
so the boy had gotten all the items his mum had asked and he started walking home
on his way his cocker spaniel got loose and started to run away.
the boy went up to a police officer and said:
can you please hold my bum and F*%$et , while i go get my cock and spank it.
this one has a lot fo swear words so i gota blank em out..ull get it
There once was a kid with a speaking problem, his mum asked him to go down to the shops and get a bucket, a bun and a cocker spaniel (dog)
So the boy walked down to the shops and walked in to the bun shop
Boy: Hi, can i please have a bum?
shop keep: do you mean a bun?
boy: yes, a bum
the boy got is bun and went to the pet shop
boy: can i please have a cock and spank it?
shop: do you mean a cocker spaniel?
boy: yes, a cock and spank it
after the boy had got his dog, he went to the bucket shop
boy: can i please have a F*%$et
shop keeper: do you mean a bucket
boy: yes, a F*%$et
so the boy had gotten all the items his mum had asked and he started walking home
on his way his cocker spaniel got loose and started to run away.
the boy went up to a police officer and said:
can you please hold my bum and F*%$et , while i go get my cock and spank it.
Dipcdame
Very Well-Known Member
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into
a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up
and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor
about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The
babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.’
The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me
brother, he's a clueless idiot....’
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's
name?'
'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow,
dat's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about me brother', she
thought....'I really like Denise '
Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies 'Denephew…’
a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up
and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor
about her baby.
The doctor replies, 'Ma'am, you had twins.... a boy and a girl. The
babies are fine, however, they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately so your brother Paddy came in and named them.’
The woman thinks to herself, ' Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me
brother, he's a clueless idiot....’
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor,' Well, what's my daughter's
name?'
'Denise' says the doctor. The new mother is somewhat relieved, 'Wow,
dat's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about me brother', she
thought....'I really like Denise '
Then she asks, 'What's the boy's name?'
The doctor replies 'Denephew…’
Dipcdame
Very Well-Known Member
and before this falls into the fracas that became the Idiots of 2009 thread.............. lets get 'em all over and done with here......................... (none of this is personal against any individual............. couple 'a groups maybe heh heh, but no individuals!!)
Cool Insulting lines
1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.
21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
22. He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny, it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.
30. How would you like to feel the way you look?
31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?
33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.
39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.
44. Do u practice being this ugly?
Cool Insulting lines
1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.
21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
22. He is known as a miracle comic. If he's funny, it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.
30. How would you like to feel the way you look?
31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
32. I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where will you be in the next 10 years?
33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.
39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.
44. Do u practice being this ugly?
Dipcdame
Very Well-Known Member
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo sh.t. It means someone stole the tent. '
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '
'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?'
'You dumber than buffalo sh.t. It means someone stole the tent. '
Dipcdame
Very Well-Known Member
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib, silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
Dipcdame
Very Well-Known Member
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.
A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '
It sure was', said the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say ' *********' , the Rottweiler ate him!
A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '
It sure was', said the little girl.
'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say ' *********' , the Rottweiler ate him!
Hope you like...........
'Mick' atttended his 4WD clubs monthly metting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innaminka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping 'the under the thumb' remarks & other derisive remarks, Mick left to go back home to the missus. Later when Micks mates started arriving to set up camp at Innaminka Common the following week, who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"Geez how did ya talk your missus into letting you come here?" they asked
"I didn't have to", was Micks reply, "When I left the meeting last wek I went home dissapointed & slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said "Surprise".
"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom & tie me to the bed & you can do whatever you want."
SO HERE I AM!!
'Mick' atttended his 4WD clubs monthly metting and had just told them he couldn't make the upcoming annual Innaminka trip because his missus wouldn't let him go.
After copping 'the under the thumb' remarks & other derisive remarks, Mick left to go back home to the missus. Later when Micks mates started arriving to set up camp at Innaminka Common the following week, who should be there but Mick sitting up in front of the Cooper, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand and the camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of Coolabah coals.
"Geez how did ya talk your missus into letting you come here?" they asked
"I didn't have to", was Micks reply, "When I left the meeting last wek I went home dissapointed & slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Suddenly the missus snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said "Surprise".
"When I peeled her hands back there she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom & tie me to the bed & you can do whatever you want."
SO HERE I AM!!
State of the Art Watch
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then looks casually at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
"No" he replies, "I just bought this state of the art watch and I was just testing it"
The intrigued woman says, "A state of the art watch? what's so special about ti'
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me" he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked
"Well it says you're not wearing any panties" he said
the woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains "Damn thing must be an hour fast!!"
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then looks casually at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
"No" he replies, "I just bought this state of the art watch and I was just testing it"
The intrigued woman says, "A state of the art watch? what's so special about ti'
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me" he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" she asked
"Well it says you're not wearing any panties" he said
the woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
The man explains "Damn thing must be an hour fast!!"
This may be a little naughty but we'll give it a go .......... it's a goodie!!
A man sick of his wife complaing about having a headache every time he wanted to get intimate, came up with a plan. I the bathroom he dusted his privates in Aspirin and came out and said, "Well love, you can have it orally or as a suppository!"
A man sick of his wife complaing about having a headache every time he wanted to get intimate, came up with a plan. I the bathroom he dusted his privates in Aspirin and came out and said, "Well love, you can have it orally or as a suppository!"
The last one for today ...... I'll post more tomorrow........I've literally got hundreds I keep in a book. Hope you like........
'A Drop in Salary Perhaps?'
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going & she replied 'I'm going to Las Vegas.'
He questioned her as to why she was going & she told him 'I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered this then went into the house and packed his bags & returned to the porch with his wife.
She said "And where do you think you're going?'
'I'm going too!' he replied.
'Why?' she asked.
'I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year!'
'A Drop in Salary Perhaps?'
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going & she replied 'I'm going to Las Vegas.'
He questioned her as to why she was going & she told him 'I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered this then went into the house and packed his bags & returned to the porch with his wife.
She said "And where do you think you're going?'
'I'm going too!' he replied.
'Why?' she asked.
'I want to see how you're going to live on $800 a year!'
VERY IMPORTANT FACTS FROM YOUR FINANCIAL ADVISOR
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in a few years, my father will die, & I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed the woman took his business card and three days later she became his step mother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men!!!!!
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in a few years, my father will die, & I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed the woman took his business card and three days later she became his step mother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men!!!!!
C'mon guys where's some more jokes!!!! One more from me........
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise the wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
2nd Guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise the wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
3rd Guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'
4th Guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5.30am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?'
And she said 'Wear Sun block!'
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise the wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend.'
2nd Guy: 'That is nothing, I had to promise the wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'
3rd Guy: 'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'
They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?'
4th Guy: 'I just set my alarm for 5.30am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Fishing or Sex?'
And she said 'Wear Sun block!'
Dipcdame
Very Well-Known Member
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non - living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TYRES: Tyres are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying
Dipcdame
Very Well-Known Member
This bloke walks into a bar and asks the barman, “If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?”
The barman considers it then agrees.
So the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rat and puts him on the bar.
He then pulls out a very small piano from his other pocket and puts that on the bar.
The rat stretches then cracks his knuckles then starts to play the blues.
After he finishes his drink this guy says to the barman,
“If I show you another really good trick, will you give me drinks for the rest of the day?”
The barman agrees because he thinks nothing he could do would be better than his first trick.
So the guy now produces a cane toad and sits it next to the rat.
The rat starts to play and there is this most beautiful voice that sings along in perfect tune.
Another guy at the bar listens to this and is blown away, so he asks,
“Can I buy the cane toad from you for $5,000?”
The guy says, “No, he’s not for sale.”
The other guy says. “Look, I’ll give you $20,000 for the toad.”
They agree and the buyer walks away very pleased with his deal.
The barman sees this and goes off his head to the guy saying,
“I can’t believe you, why would you ever sell such a rare talented cane toad like that to a complete stranger?”
“He would be worth millions.”
“Don’t worry about it,” the guy answers, “The rat’s a ventriloquist.”
The barman considers it then agrees.
So the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rat and puts him on the bar.
He then pulls out a very small piano from his other pocket and puts that on the bar.
The rat stretches then cracks his knuckles then starts to play the blues.
After he finishes his drink this guy says to the barman,
“If I show you another really good trick, will you give me drinks for the rest of the day?”
The barman agrees because he thinks nothing he could do would be better than his first trick.
So the guy now produces a cane toad and sits it next to the rat.
The rat starts to play and there is this most beautiful voice that sings along in perfect tune.
Another guy at the bar listens to this and is blown away, so he asks,
“Can I buy the cane toad from you for $5,000?”
The guy says, “No, he’s not for sale.”
The other guy says. “Look, I’ll give you $20,000 for the toad.”
They agree and the buyer walks away very pleased with his deal.
The barman sees this and goes off his head to the guy saying,
“I can’t believe you, why would you ever sell such a rare talented cane toad like that to a complete stranger?”
“He would be worth millions.”
“Don’t worry about it,” the guy answers, “The rat’s a ventriloquist.”
blackduck
Not so new Member
The Blonde Cook's Diary.
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Bob did the important shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate Moose.
MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to me some extra bowls.
TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend for supper.
WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.
THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.
FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
SATURDAY: Bob did the important shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.
SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY: This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate Moose.
- Status
Similar threads
- Locked
